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Envy



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Mon Apr 03, 2006 11:50 pm
Elizabeth says...



Her arms were crossed and the red satin gown she was in wrinkled. Her nose also wrinkled as she stared at Nicky, who stood in the middle of the stage, spotlight focused on her. The red gown, similar to Evelyn’s, glittered, and flowed down every curve of her body. There only difference between the two girls was that Nicky had a golden crown atop her head, and Evelyn just had it tied up.

Evelyn growled in a low tone as Nicky recited all her lines perfectly, bringing the audience into the performance, giving them their money’s worth for the play. Evelyn’s eyes wandered around, eying any possible way to bring Nicky down. She thought of the possibility of pulling one of the various ropes that hung above, perhaps knocking a few crimson drapes on her. Evelyn grinned with clenched teeth at her thoughts and giggled a bit under her breath.

“You’re up in a few seconds Eve,” whispered Peter into her ear. His breath smelt of Big Red gum and she could feel the air shift the back of her dress as he walked past. He was her boyfriend, and it was as simple as that. She loved everything about him, and although they have had an extremely challenging relationship, in the end it all worked out. However, at the same time Evelyn worried about Nicky, she was one of Peter’s best friends since before he knew Evelyn. Evelyn obeyed Peter, out of fear, and it was as simple as that. No mistakes, no mishaps, nothing bad was going to happen.

Nicky walked off the stage and over to Peter and gave him a hi-five. Evelyn scowled but quickly recovered from her disgust and smiled as she walked onto the stage. The rolls of the characters that exited and entered the stage covered up the truth of the people. Evelyn was well aware of the possibilities that could have happened, and feared the heartbreak. She feared for all she had, as she lied to the audience that all was well with her character’s line.

Did Peter know she loved him more than anything she could say?

Evelyn exited the stage as her dress dragged along behind her, her hair bobbed as her eyes stared at the ground. Her eyes were what weighed her head down, and she couldn’t stand to look at the two together. All she had left of the night was to live through it and not take one last look at Nicky. They were friends as well, so why couldn’t she trust Nicky? Something was wrong, Evelyn concluded, something was wrong with her.

The audience began to roar with applause. Evelyn snapped awake from her thoughts and walked onto the stage to take a bow with the rest of the cast. She began to trot to the stage, with a wide smile on her face. Her heels, along with a chorus of heels, clacked. Her dress flowed behind her, and a sudden feeling of joy came over her. She finished the play, alive and calm. The crowd cheered, the cast bowed and Evelyn looked at Peter, only to have her heart shot down.

Hand in hand, were Peter and Nicky. However, the lead wasn’t Peter, Evelyn thought. Before the rest of the cast members walked off stage, Evelyn ripped the ponytail out of her hair and stomped off the stage.

And she never looked back.


(I feel weird talking about my emotions in a story, yes Evelyn is me...
I know this won't happen though... Not in a million years.)
  





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Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:06 am
Snoink says...



Grammar check for the first paragraph!

Her arms were crossed and the red satin gown she was in wrinkled.


I would prefer: "Her arms were crossed and her red satin gown was wrinkled." It sounds less awkward.

There only difference between the two girls was that Nicky had a golden crown atop her head, and Evelyn just had it tied up.


This sentence is, again, very awkward. I would prefer: "The only difference between them was that Nicky had a gold crown atop her head, and Evelyn didn't."

To let the readers in on the fact that she is wearing a ponytail, you might want to mention somewhere that her ponytail snaked around her shoulders, or something like that. It depends.

But the main thing: this story begs to be in present tense.

Quick check up! If you have a convential story that isn't quite poetic, and you want a normal tone, use past. If you want something to be descriptive and pretty and poetic, use present. Because this is the latter, it deserves (yes, deserves) to be put in the past tense. Period.

What makes me so sure is when you say, "He was her boyfriend." Was? Is that in the past or the present? See? By putting it in the present, it makes it poetically descriptive and makes the story flow better. It is easier to sympathize with the character anyway when you're going through the conflicts with that character.

Anyway, good job (as always). Just work on that first paragraph a bit. ^___^
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








The mind of man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness