Young Writers Society

Probably should be under scripts, but I'm more interested of the "romantic" aspect. Besides, I *might* novelize it anyway, so whatever. Here we go!


Scene:

An empty hallway, save for a leafy green plant on a pedestal, one side of the plant already wilting. The rest of the hallway is bare. There are several doors along the hallway, but the door of interest is at the end of the hallway. This doorknob is different. Instead of being brass, it is made out of crystal.

A man is there, hovering outside of this door. He grimaces, about to enter, but then he hesitates and cocks his head, listening to the shuffling from the inside. In a minute, a beautiful woman steps out, still teasing her hair with a comb.

WOMAN: Oh! She stops suddenly.

MAN: Good morning.

WOMAN: I didn’t know you were still here.

MAN: I took the day off. He pauses. Are you doing anything special?

WOMAN: Me? Oh no. She combs her hair a little bit more. Nothing special at least. Oh! He comes up to her close and wraps his arms her. Then he strokes her cheek so she is looking up at her. They kiss. They stand like that for a moment, just kissing, until finally he stops, nuzzling his face into her hair which has since come undone.

WOMAN: Murmurs contentedly. Oh, why aren’t you like this more often?

MAN: Looks back down to her. Come with me.

WOMAN: Giggles nervously. Where are we going?

MAN: Somewhere. Anywhere. I have a bottle of the best champagne. We can dance and get drunk, and then who knows what will happen?

WOMAN: Suddenly moves away. But I can’t!

MAN: Tries to hold her back. Why not?

WOMAN: Because I have something else I have to do.

MAN: But you said –

WOMAN: Forget it! There’s another party and – oh, don’t look at me that way. If I don’t go, then everyone’s going to get suspicious. And what will they say then?

MAN: It doesn’t matter. You’ll be here with me. Nothing can happen to us here.

WOMAN: Oh, don’t be ridiculous.

MAN: Carolina…

WOMAN: Squirms out of his grasp. I’m leaving. I really have to go now if I don’t want to be late.

MAN: But Carolina!

WOMAN: Goodbye. She walks quickly away from him, her shoes clicking on the smooth floors. He just stares at her. Then, when she disappears from his view, he curses and kicks the pedestal, the plant crashing onto the floor. He goes into the room and slams the door hard.

MAN: Somewhere. Anywhere. I have a bottle of the best champagne. We can dance and get drunk, and then who knows what will happen?

Really awkward line. The "... and get drunk" bit didn't seem like anybody would ever say that in real life. I think you should try and rephrase that last bit.

Otherwise, I loved this for what it was. it made me really interested in the characters and what made the woman so important and why their relationship wouldn't be accepted. The way it was presented was perfect. I wouldn't novelise it. It's almost transcended the normal script format to something better - the lovely way you present the action is awesome. I 'd actually like to see more added in this format, unless this is it in its entirety.

I second Jack on that one line.. way too formally phrased for dialogue. The only thing that bothered me was that in genearl, this seemed a little too formal. Repetative much? Yeah.. I am. But that's all I can really say about this. I like it (but I'm beginning to think I like all of your work).

Don't novelise it. please! I love it how it is. I might love it more if you add (maybe not, you don't really need more, I just like it).

*twitches*

Oh, come on! I mean... I either have to novelize this or abandon it. And I prefer the former. It's part of a larger story called "FREAK."

*runs away and hides*

Carolina.. I should get this.. Sadie's mother? Snoinky... *shakes head* when does this start? before or after chapter 6? She certianly acts like it's before... I'll just PM you about this or something. But, suddenly, things are becoming clear..

Well, then... allow me to say "PLEASE NOVELIZE THIS!"

I felt bad about coming in here and complaining after people said they liked it so much, but it feels a bit empty to me right now. However, I think I would just about love it as part of FREAK.

I do have to say though, I'm left with an awful lot of questions after reading this. So I'm hoping that either you have things before it that clarify things more or that your intention was to leave the reader with questions.

This is in Chapter 13. So you get to meet Carolina before. And it's not the same day as Chapter 6... gah. That was a bad day for all the characters. This happens several months after, I think.

It should feel empty, lol. This is only a little part of the chapter. I was just trying to write a romantic-ish scene without making it soppy, and I wanted to solidify the dialogue.

Hmm. Doesn't do much as a character sketch, since we don't see anything really unique about these characters. Pretty stereotypical of dramatic personages. Horny guys. Hard-to-get women, struggling from things that barely exist. But anyway, it just didn't seem very substantial, like I walked into a room and the tel;evision was turned to a soap opera, and then I walked out a minute later. I didn't catch a plot, I didn't catch characters, nothing profound or even intersting was said. Post the whole thing so we can figure it out.

timjim77 wrote:Hmm. Doesn't do much as a character sketch, since we don't see anything really unique about these characters. Pretty stereotypical of dramatic personages. Horny guys. Hard-to-get women, struggling from things that barely exist. But anyway, it just didn't seem very substantial, like I walked into a room and the tel;evision was turned to a soap opera, and then I walked out a minute later. I didn't catch a plot, I didn't catch characters, nothing profound or even intersting was said. Post the whole thing so we can figure it out.

True...

Okay! The story is located here for all of you who would like to figure out it out.