Young Writers Society

This is my entry for the "If it were a story" contest where the song I turned into a short story is called "Circle" and is preformed by Flyleaf. Enjoy, and feel free to comment



Circle

I’d been sitting in the dark crying, determined not to fall asleep. Maybe I would’ve managed today too if it weren’t for the fact that I’d done the same for the past three days and this time my exhaustion finally won. I fell down against my pillows and slipped back in time, straight down in to my reappearing nightmare.

“You have to believe me. It’s not what they say, it’s not what it seems.” He looked at me with pleading eyes… his stupid, pleading, doe-like eyes. He stood in front of me with his hands grasping around the bars and his ankles fetched with chains tied to the ground. He would be sentenced in only an hour, this was the last time I’d see him before then. When I stood here in front of him all I wanted was to set him free and hug and kiss and love him but I couldn’t let myself fall for his innocent façade again. It was exactly as they said. He was a thief and a traitor and he deserved what was coming for him.
“I came to say goodbye, no matter what happens in an hour I don’t want to see you ever again! I don’t trust you; I don’t believe you and I definitely don’t love you anymore.” I tried to sound confident but all I felt was pain. A striking pain that shot through my body like lightening and that finally ended up ripping my chest open… not literally, but that’s what it felt like. I dared to give him a last look and to both my relief and horror the same thing seemed to be happening to him. He had fallen down on his knees and was now panting as he looked at me with watery eyes filled with pain. It’s a lie, I tried to tell myself. All he does is lie, you can’t trust him, you can’t believe him and you definitely can’t let yourself love him anymore.
“Goodbye,” I sobbed and then I ran away from the dungeon, up the stairs and out in the sun. Once the sunlight shone in my face some of the darkness inside of me seemed to disappear, or at least hide, but most of it remained and made it hard to breathe, to see, to think.

When the trial began a circle formed around my traitor. When I reached it I couldn’t help but want to save him again. I had the same impulse every time I saw hib, even though I hated him for what he’d done I couldn’t help myself for I had loved him so very much once.
“The sentence for thievery is to have ones hand severed from the arm and the sentence for betrayal is to burn in the fires of hell. Therefore you will lose your hand right at this moment and when death meets you, you will burn!” The judge’s voice announced and I felt my non-existent heart shrink inside my chest and felt fear fill my lungs. “This is for stealing the heart of a young maiden!” the judge growled but I screamed, the thief screamed and every other person in the circle that surrounded him was screaming when the axe fell over the thiefs arm. I couldn’t stop what happened the next second, my feet just ran towards him and my mind didn’t stand a chance. I wrapped my arms around his trembling body. His hand lay dead on the ground in front of us, but it felt as if it was my heart.
“I hate you… I hate you so much.” I whispered in to his tangled, brown curls but I didn’t let go. We sat there in the circle for a very long time, he was bleeding and crying and I was weeping and screaming.
“I love you… I love you so much.” He finally whispered and broke himself loose from my grip. He crawled away from me… a few feet, before he turned around again and faced me.
“I love you this much.” He said and his innocent, unscathed arm crossed itself over his chest. His remaining hands resting where his heart was situated, I cried at the pain my own heart had suffered because of him. My heart was no longer mine, for he had stolen it, that’s why he’s in pain, because he deserves it, I assured myself. But then my nightmare took a twist as his nails cut through his chest and ripped his heart out. He through it on the ground in front of us and suddenly my words didn’t seem reassuring at all.
“Take it, take it and it’ll beat for you… leave it and it’ll beat for nobody.” He said and now both of his arms were bloody but he stretched them out towards me anyways, pleading me to embrace him, pleading me to accept his still beating heart.
“I don’t believe you.” I sobbed while tears ran down my cheeks and then his heart stopped beating and he fell dead down on the ground. I let out a heartbreaking moan and through myself at his lifeless body.
“Forgive me, relieve me and please come back to life!” I whispered before I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his cold ones. “What if I believe you now?”

I woke up trembling, just as always lately.
“I believe… what if I believe you now?” I cried in to the darkness that still surrounded me. It might have been a nightmare, but it was true. Maybe it hadn’t played out the way it did in my nightmare but the fact was that I hadn’t believed him, and now he was dead. No man shows greater love, then when a man lays down his love for his beloved. I’d been his beloved, but I hadn’t believed him… and now he was dead and he couldn’t forgive me, relieve me or come back to life.
“I trust you; I believe you and I love you still.” I whispered into the darkness one last time.

Maybe I would’ve managed todayb[],[/b] too, if it weren’t for the fact that I’d done the same for the past three days and this time my exhaustion finally won.

Added commas around "too," for clarity of the sentence.

“Fly, you have to believe me… it’s not what they say, it’s not what it seems.” He looked at me with pleading eyes… his stupid, pleading, doe-like eyes.

Your ellipses here are distracting. They aren't really necessary, as periods would work just as well.

I tried to sound confident but all I felt was pain. A striking pain that shot through my body like lightening lightning and that finally ended up ripping my chest open… not literally, but that’s what it felt like.

Obviously, the pain she's feeling isn't literal. This was beautiful imagery, but then it was cheapened by flat-out saying, "Well, not really, it's just a metaphor." Also, it would read a little clearer as, "A striking pain that shot through my body like lightning and ripped my chest open." It's more vivid, and isn't as cluttered with "and then finally ended up".

“Goodbye,” I cried...

There's always a comma after a statement whenever it's followed by "he said" or "she said."

Once the sunlight shone in my face some of the darkness inside of me seemed to disappear, or at least hide, but most of it remained and made it hard to breathe, to see, to think.

This doesn't read as smoothly as everything else you've written, and I'm not sure what to tell you other than to re-write it a little clearer.

“The sentence for thievery is to have ones hand severed from the arm and the sentence for betrayal is to burn in the fires of hell. Therefore you will lose your hand right at this moment and when death meets you, you will burn!” The judge’s voice announced and I felt my non-existent heart shrink inside my chest and felt fear fill my lungs. “This is for stealing Fly Leafs heart” the judge growled but I screamed, the thief screamed and every other person in the circle that surrounded him was screaming. I couldn’t stop what happened the next second, my feet just ran towards him and my mind didn’t stand a chance.

1) I don't think "thievery" is the proper term for the offense of theft, unless this isn't set in the modern era, which it very well could be.
2) "... is to have one's hand..."
3) The sentence in italics starts off awkward, and rambles along to a finish. Maybe that could be rewritten as, "The judge's voice boomed through the crowd. I felt my non-existent heart shrivel inside my chest as fear filled my lungs."
4) "'... stealing Fly Leaf's heart,' the judge..."
5) What's with all the screaming? It's awkward, probably because it's a run-on sentence. Rewrite that.

His hand lay dead on the ground in front of us, but it felt as if it was my heart.

Beautiful. I really love this line.

“I hate you… I hate you so much.” I whispered in to his tangled, brown curls but I didn’t let go. We sat there in the circle for a very long time, he was bleeding and crying and I was weeping and screaming.

“I love you… I love you so much.” He finally whispered and broke himself loose from my grip. He crawled away from me… a few feet, before he turned around again and faced me.

I love the foil here. I love how Fly feels one way and expresses that, and the criminal feels the opposite and expresses that. However, the ellipses, again, are distracting. Periods are just fine for each time the ellipses occur in this segment. Also, "into" is one word.

“I love you this much.” He said and his innocent, unscathed arm crossed itself over his chest. His remaining hands resting where his heart was situated, I cried at the pain my own heart had suffered because of him. My heart was no longer mine, for he had stolen it, that’s why he’s in pain Fly, because he deserves it, I assured myself. But when his nails cut through his chest and he ripped his heart out and rolled it out on the ground in front of us my words didn’t seem reassuring at all.

I'm confused at this part. The first part of it is a lot of run-on sentences and rambling. Then he literally tears his own heart out? And threw it on the ground? It doesn't make a lot of sense. I'd change that and make it a little clearer.

“Take it, take it and it’ll beat for you… leave it and it’ll beat for nobody.” He said and now both of his arms were cut off and bloody but he stretched the out towards me anyways, pleading me to embrace him, pleading me to accept his still beating heart.

Even more confusing: when did his arms get cut off? At this point, I looked ahead a little and remembered that this was a dream, but it's still a little out there, unless all of this strange stuff is some sort of metaphor that I'm missing.

“I trust you; I believe you and I love you still.” I whispered into the darkness one last time.

Great ending, but could be better with different punctuation, like: "I trust you. I believe you. And I love you, still," I whispered into the darkness, one last time.


Overall, excellent. Very well written, though you might need to review dialogue punctuation. And there are far too many ellipses ( ... ) in the piece, which distracts me a lot. None of them are really needed in here, so if you got rid of them all, that would improve the piece so much.

Great job, keep up the good work.
kf

I really enjoyed this. I thought it had a good storyline and characters.
Even though they weren't named or anything, I felt like the were there.

I think all your teeny tiny little errors have been picked up on, so I don't really have anything else to write. Anyway, I enjoyed this, keep writing!

Hi, Demoness(: I'm Sarah and I just want to start off by saying I love this song by Flyleaf. Here goes:

Maybe I would’ve managed today too if it weren’t for the fact that I’d done the same for the past three days and this time my exhaustion finally won.

This sentence sounds a little off and the way it's worded takes away from the initial impact of the first line. I read the first line and immediately wanted to know what was wrong with this girl. But you didn't hint at why she was crying you just said that she couldn't sleep, which isn't what the reader really wants to know.

I fell down against my pillows and slipped straight down in to my reappearing nightmare.

I imagine your MC being dropped out of the sky onto her bed. That's the picture that is in my head by the way you worded the first half of this sentence, maybe back would be a better word. That way I think she has been sitting in her bed and is lying down. Also, the word "down" is used twice in this sentence; both times it could be changed or eliminated. The second time you use it, you don't need it. The sentence would read better without it.

He looked at me with pleading eyes… his stupid, pleading, doe-like eyes.

Ellipsis are great things but they are to be used when a thought is trailing off, like in dialogue. Here and em dash would work.

his ankles fetched with chains tied to the ground.

I might be wrong (and ignore this if I am) but the word fetched means to go a retrieve something right? I don't think this sentence is using that word correctly.

“I came to say goodbye, no matter what happens in an hour I don’t want to see you ever again!

This should be two sentences; I would use a period after goodbye since you use a semi-colon in the next sentence.

He had fallen down on his knees and was now panting as he looked at me with watery eyes filled with pain.

"filled with pain" sounds sorta silly, don't you think? It's implied that this man is in pain emotionally because you already said that the same thing was happening to him that was happening to the MC.

All he does is lie, you can’t trust him, you can’t believe him and you definitely can’t let yourself love him anymore.

Are you telling this to the reader, or is your MC thinking it? If it's a thought it needs to be in italics and if not you might want to introduce the idea of an intrusive narrator earlier on (a narrator that addresses the reader). Also, this needs to punctuated correctly with periods and semi-colons. They are comma splices right now.

“Goodbye” I cried and then I ran away from the dungeon,

She yelled at him? That's what cried means here. Like she shouted at him. I think you meant that she was crying but I'm not sure. If that's what you meant you should say that a tear escaped her eyes or something.

47 minutes later the trial began and a circle formed around my traitor.

Here fourty-seven should be written out. And my traitor sounds odd; maybe just the traitor? Wait...a circle formed around the guy? What? I'm confused. Is this some sort of fantastical trail that doesn't follow rules like a regular trial? Because right now I'm unclear on the time period and the setting.

The sentence for thievery is to have ones hand severed from the arm and the sentence for betrayal is to burn in the fires of hell. Therefore you will lose your hand right at this moment and when death meets you, you will burn!”

I'm utterly confused. I thought these were normal people but apparently they have the ability to make people burn in Hell. So I don't know what's going on and think this really needs to be explained more.

“This is for stealing Fly Leafs heart”

Um..okay this is definitely not set in a realistic place. This is a strange way to tie in the band name, which you don't need. This is about the song, not the band. Putting this in here was out of the blue and I'm still confused. And there should be an apostrophe "s" (Leaf's).

I screamed, the thief screamed and every other person in the circle that surrounded him was screaming.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH, screaming or I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that screaming? Make this clear because I am once again picturing something outrageous like a bunch of people simultaneously letting out blood-curdling screams.


Okay the guy just ripped out his heart. I don't really think that was what the song was about...I picture it as some one sacrificing their life for the one they love, taking a bullet, something like that. I think that if you are going to go a literal route with this that you need to make it clear that the time period is in the past or future and that it is in some other world. Because this isn't believable, as something that I'm assuming you meant to happen in the present. There aren't enough details to support his charge or his reasoning, or anyone's reasoning. You need to go back and give us concrete details about this world and the people in it. Sympathy, I think, is something that you were trying to get out of this but I didn't feel anything for your characters. We didn't even know your MC's name until halfway through and it was "Fly Leaf" so I don't know enough to want to believe this happened. I would listen to the song again and think more about these people and their motivations before you create this world. Because we, as readers, need to know every thing. If we don't we won't believe it. And I'm sorry but I didn't.

I hope this helps you. PM me if you have any questions.

~peanut~

Dude. I love this song. XD My notes going through:

"Maybe I would’ve managed today too if it weren’t for the fact that I’d done the same for the past three days and this time my exhaustion finally won" Is there a smoother, less confusing way to say this?

"and his ankles fetched with chains tied to the ground" Fetched? :/ Are you looking for a different word to use here?

A few typos. Be sure to proofread.

Dialogue is a little stiff in places.

"A striking pain that shot through my body like lightening and that finally ended up ripping my chest open… not literally, but that’s what it felt like" Lightening should be lightning. 'that finally ripped my chest open' would be more gripping than the 'ended up' and... I actually really liked this line, up until you had to clarify that it wasn't literal. That one little inturruption breaks the mood you were building up.

"47 minutes later" Do we need to know the exact number of minutes? It doesn't really need to be that specific. I would use a scene break ( *** on a line of its own, then start the next scene, or something like that)

"I felt my non-existent heart shrink inside my chest" If her heart's nonexistant, she shouldn't be feeling anything to do with it. Also, saying 'I felt this, I felt that' is less gripping than if you were to simply say, 'My heart shrank inside my chest.' Try to use a more active voice.

The ending seemed a little chaotic... Turning Flyleaf into Fly Leaf might be considered clever by some, but a bit awkward to others, and people unfamiliar with the band might not get what you're trying to do there... Also, you kind of slipped into direct quotes of the lyrics, and while that's fine when used sparingly, it felt a little awkward in places.

Him ripping his heart out was, first of all, a little disturbing, but also kind of unbelievable. I mean, using your fingernails, could you rip your heart out of your own chest?

I didn't really care much for Fly. She loves him but she hates him, she loves him again, she wants to save him, she never wants to see him again. She flip flops a lot. I have no sense of what kind of character she is. I don't know exactly how he stole her heart (literal or figurative?) and I'm just a little confused by some of her behavior...

That said, I love the song. XD And this was an interesting take on it. I just think it needs some smoothing out, and refining. Good luck in the contest!

Hey, I'm going to review your piece.

Firstly I'm going to say that this is one of my favorite Flyleaf songs.

I liked what you did here. It was interesting, but I don't think it truly captured the intent of the song. As you know (or maybe you don't) Flyleaf is a Christian band and Lacey sings about her struggles and faith in most of her songs. In this particular song, she is singing about Jesus dying for her, as she has acknowledged.

I'm going to explain some of the lyrics:

"His innocent arm moves to save me and I am spared." She is talking about how Jesus was innocent, and how He saved her.

"His beautiful arm is bloody and cut off. His heart ripped out to show me he loved me." It shows how far He went to show the fallen people that He loved them. He would die for them to prove His love.

"But I would not believe him. He did all that he could. I still would not believe him." Here, Lacey is singing about her own struggle with faith before she was a Christian.

"I left his arms empty and tied, outstretched for me until he died." She is talking about even after all He did, how He was branded a prisoner and a blasphemer and begged to be loved, she did not return her affection.

"No man shows greater love than when a man lays down his life for his beloved." This part is SCREAMING of Jesus' sacrifice.

"Here I’m alive and I don’t have the right." Here she is talking about how she is a sinner and deserves death, yet she is alive.

"He gave me the right, costing him his life." She is saying that He died to give her the right to live. He died for her sin.

I like your story. It gets confusing and a little choppy in some places, but I like it. I enjoyed it.

I hope I helped!

--H.

Wow. This is intense. Like, good intense, but still...intense! There were spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, but since you've probably already noticed those and everyone else has probably already pointed them out, I won't waste your time. I've never heard the song, but I don't have to. I adore this.

Wow this was so touching! Beautiful story. Really sad. I liked the fact that you really managed to make your readers feel the narrator's pain.
however, there was something i didnt get. Why would the guy's arm be amputed just cause he stole her heart! And also when the guy kind of plucks his heart out, like that was soo fictional! -__-

Or is it how the song goes? If so then never mind.
Aweome work; keep it up!