Young Writers Society

Alright. A short story this time. Samp gave me the inspiration. I told him to give me a romance/tragedy story, he gave me six words. I'm not that good in romance, and this is my first time doing a romance story, so please bear with me. XD

She would say, "Race you there." <-- extracted from < http://tosampslounge.blogspot.com/ >
Samp posts a lot of stuff there. So, yeah. It was all I could do since he gave me the inspiration. XD


The Field

I had never once thought of encountering the feeling of nothingness. Never once felt the angst of being left alone. Or perhaps I did? But that was before I had met her.

She would say to me, "Race you there."

And I had always let her win, no matter what happened. No matter how much she whined about my giving in to her victory. But it all did not matter, because I would always see that smile. The perfect smile that made me grin without realising.

Everytime she ran, her long, wavy brown hair would always bounce up and down, and lay behind her shoulders when she stopped. I always could not help but stare. But that moment of weakness during this relationship, the moment that made me vulnerable, was the one which made me lose her.

***

That very field that we used to walk by every single day after school was one that held many memories. It held joyful, rapturous memories. It reminded me of laughter, liberty and love. But most of all, it reminded me of sadness.

I still pass by that very same field every single day. The scents of the flowers blossoming in the field always seem to pass my way, giving me a part of it's beauty whenever I took a whiff. And whenever that happens, I only remember the phone call which changed me.

***

They say that scents trigger the most vivid memories... I never thought it was true.

***

"We never did see the full field before, have we?" She exclaimed, rather excitedly to me.

"I don't think we have," I replied, laughing a little at her curiousness.

"We should..." She stopped there, her pupils looking upward, as if she were thinking. "Ah! How about we go to the edge of this field, so we can have a look at how large it is?"

Before I had a chance to reply, she said to me, "Race you there!" and she turned and sprinted to the edge. I just laughed, shook my head, and jogged behind her. She would turn her head to me and smile for a moment, then look back to where she was going, all for my sake.

It was close to sunset when we reached the edge of the field. Beyond the edge lay a downward slope to a short wall. And behind it stood a lake, which blended into the silhouette of buildings, and there the setting sun laid.

She lay down, her back pressing on the soft green that spread throughout the place. I, too, lay beside her.

"I wish we could stay like this forever," she turned to look at me, her smile turning into a small grin, but her eyes shone sadness. "Only then will my dreams come true..."

I did nothing but a smile. I did not even nod, or acknowledge her words. But a silent promise was kept within me. One she would never find out.

***

I had gone overseas for studies, leaving her in our hometown. It was painful saying goodbye to her. I knew I had already broken the promise I made, for in her 'forever', six years had been taken away.

When I got back, I went to search for her, as my heart was longing to see that smile again. Six years I had been kept away from her. When I got her number and called her, I could feel my heart melting when I heard her voice.

"Hey, it's me..." I said, my words choking up.

"Lief!" She practically screamed into her phone, making me laugh.

"Yes. Six years it has been. I was just wondering if... you would like to meet up again?"

"Sure!"

"Alright, we'll meet at the field immediately."

"Yes, I'm sure that will be fine! I'll race you there."

I couldn't help but smile at those last words. The exact ones she said to me before. I wanted to continue, but the call had ended. She was already getting ready to meet me.

When I got to the field, I stood at the edge of it, waiting anxiously for her to arrive. I looked around, to the small wall that still stood there, to the buildings and the sunset. It was just as before. Just as when I made that silent promise.

But I just stood there waiting, the time passing by slowly. An hour passed, then another. I never left the place.

***

It has been so many years already. I had found the reason to her sudden disappearance that day. I now stand again, at the edge of the field. She is beside me this time, lying down on the exact same spot, at the exact same sunset. I look at the urn that I had laid beside me.

"I kept that silent promise. The one I gave to you," I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. "Forever, in this exact spot. It has already been so many years after I waited in the field for you..."

I stay here, in the field, waiting for my life to pass by. But only sadness fills me, for even while writing this, I am unable to remember her name.

Why hello there, Folius Guess I'll give ya a review! Cos' I'm in the mood >_> (And also partially because you gave me a mention - muhuhuhuhhhahahahaha)

I enjoy the storyline much, it's a rather emotional read, however there were some parts which did kill the mood a fair bit.

Right, I'll start from the beginning.

The first paragraph,

Or perhaps I did? But that was before I had met her.

That sounded really awkward for me when I went over it. I had to read it out aloud (and it still sounded sort of awkward.)
I'm guessing the only way you'd be fixing that is to rephrase it. Maybe try something along the lines of "Maybe I did. Then again, that was before we met."

I quote

And I had always let her win

The 'and' there seems inappropriate. In fact, it isn't really needed at all.

Following,

about my giving in to her victory

Hmm... Giving in to her victory...? Giving in to her, you mean?

The description of her was well weaved in with the story, but I still think it is lacking abit. About the hair 'bouncing', perhaps there'd be a better word for it, too

But that moment of weakness during this relationship, the moment that made me vulnerable, was the one which made me lose her.

Here, I honestly lost track of what you were talking about- It seems like a random fragment out of nowhere.

Further down the story...

And behind it stood a lake, which blended into the silhouette of buildings, and there the setting sun laid.

Once again, awkward description. 'Stood' a lake seems inappropriate, and it 'blending' into the silhouette of buildings... Well, I didn't understand much about this part. Might be the way you phrased it.

Annnnd, even further down

I went to search for her

Here. Well, there wasn't really a search. It was just a call, which disappointed me slightly. Just saying =P

Mm, that's about it, I guess. The last bit, however, you didn't really mention her not turning up until there was a... Well, 'transition'. I would suggest you do that =P Made the story a little confusing for me.

Overall, not bad. I enjoyed the read- although it being a fair bit vague at certain points. Nice work there.

Have a nice day!
-Samp

Hello,
Here I am to review. Mostly I will comment on grammatical errors.

I had never once thought of encountering the feeling of nothingness. Never once felt the angst of being left alone.

The second sentence isn't a sentence at all. It is a fragment because there is no subject, so replace the period after nothingness with a comma and lower case the n in never.

Or perhaps I did? But that was before I had met her.

The first sentence is not a complete sentence because there is no verb. Replace the question mark with a comma and lower case the b in but. Also, add a comma after or because you are starting a sentence with a conjunction and conjunction trigger fragments because they follow commas to combine complete sentences. Full list of conjunctions: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So.

And I had always let her win, no matter what happened.

You should really never start a sentence with conjunction, and in this situation it is not needed. Just take away the word and.

No matter how much she whined about my giving in to her victory. But it all did not matter, because I would always see that smile.

The first isn't a full sentence it is a fragment; try rewording it so that it will be a complete sentence. Also, because we don't start sentences with conjunction, replace the period after victory with a comma and lower case the bu in but.

The perfect smile that made me grin without realising.

Realizing is spelled with a z, and this too is a fragment and not a complete sentence. Stylistically, fragments may sound better than a complete sentence, but it doesn't show how good of a writer you are. You seem to use alot of fragments, intentional or not, try to reword them so that they are complete sentences and still give off the same meaning as before.

But that moment of weakness during this relationship, the moment that made me vulnerable, was the one which made me lose her.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Just take away the word but, and capitalize the t in that.

It reminded me of laughter, liberty and love. But most of all, it reminded me of sadness.

Because we never start sentences with conjunction you should replace the period after love with a comma and lower case the b in but.

And whenever that happens, I only remember the phone call which changed me.

Take away the word and, and capitalize the w in whenever.

***

They say that scents trigger the most vivid memories... I never thought it was true.

***

I don't think you need the *** around this sentence, and the ... should be a semi-colon (;) because you are combining two complete sentences without a conjunction.

And behind it stood a lake, which blended into the silhouette of buildings, and there the setting sun laid.

take away the word and, and capitalize the b in behind.

I did nothing but a smile.

The word a isn't needed in this sentence; take it out.

I did not even nod, or acknowledge her words. But a silent promise was kept within me. One she would never find out.

Replace the period after words with a comma and lower case the b in but. One she would never find out is not a complete sentence, so replace the period after me with a comma and lower case the o in one.

But I just stood there waiting, the time passing by slowly.

Take away the word but.

An hour passed, then another. I never left the place.

The first sentence is a fragment, so replace the period after another with a comma.

But only sadness fills me, for even while writing this, I am unable to remember her name.

Take away the word but and capitalize the o in only. Also, he was allowed to keep her ashes, but he doesn't know her name? They would have had to been pretty close for her relatives, like parents and such, to let him keep her ashes and not them.

I can't believe she died, what a plot twist! I am really curious as to how she died; I am sure it was implied in the story, but i couldn't really figure it out. I hope I wasn't too harsh. if you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask. Keep writing, this was beautiful.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hi there,
I liked this. 'Twas very well written, very nice. Any nitpicks have already been pointed out ^^. Keep writing

Hello!

All of the grammatical errors were taken care of, so I really cannot give any advice there.

Spelling errors have also been taken care of. Again, I cannot help there, except I always find it helpful to keep a dictionary for revision after my work.

Now for the story itself. It was one of the most touching stories ive ever read. At the end, I almost broke into tears. I still feel sad for the character. It was an amazing read. The words flowed very well together. It kept my attention throughout the story, which most stories can't do. Very good job on that.

Finally, some parting statements. This story has potential. If you wanted to, you might even want to base a novel off of it. You could, I don't know, write about him getting over his tragic loss. It also works well as a short story if you don't want to expand.

Well, good luck with further writing!

- Wayne

I would recommend you read this out loud. Some sentences seem very jumbled and un-organized. It has a really beautiful concept to it though. Keep up the writing!

I cried when I read this. Very emotional, very powerful. It's such a sad ending, too.
But, just separating it into paragraph, no divided sections would be better and easier to read. Or maybe thats just me...