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Another Chance



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Thu Aug 11, 2011 3:06 am
Noelle says...



Spoiler! :
I wrote this story after listening to Love The Way You Lie by Eminem. (Yes, it's about an abusive relationship.) The song has a very powerful message and I wanted to challenge myself to write something like it. It's a totally original idea and I didn't copy it from the music video.
There isn't any real violence scenes, but the narrator is thinking back on it, so I rated it 16+. I was going to put this in general short stories, but it's about a relationship, so here it is. Hope you like it! You know, as much as one could like a story about an abusive relationship.


I woke up wrapped tight in warm blankets. It had been a cold winter night. I had cried myself to sleep...

I remembered.

It was after the fight. After the screaming, the yelling, the pain, the tears, the blood.

He had promised never to do it again. I believed him

He had told me he loved me. I believed him.

Sitting up, I cried; cried for my sorrows, my pain, my life, my love. Why had I chosen him? What made me say yes? I knew he was a monster, I knew his anger would eventually get out of hand. So why had I stayed?

I quietly got out of bed in case he was still home. I snuck through the house, my heart pounding, expecting to see him at every turn, in every room. Was I really supposed to be this cautious in my own house? When I didn't see him, I finally decided he had gone to work. I went back to our room and packed my things.

Ten minutes later, I lugged my suitcases out into the hall. I paused for a second and looked around. This had been my home for the past three year, the most agonizing years of my life.

My gaze landed upon the mirror above the hall table. I saw a woman, but I had never seen her before. How was it that I wasn't able to recognize myself anymore? Had it really gotten this bad?

Yes.

My face was black and blue, shades of purple mixed in. I counted them all, every bruise. There were five. My fingers lifted to my face and I watched them in the mirror. My reflection was there, but was I really there? Sure my body was still existant, but my soul, where was it? Where was my life, my happiness?

I pulled my eyes away from my reflection and caught a glimpse of something sitting on the table. It was a perfectly folded piece of computer paper with my name written on the front. It was from my husband. Computer paper, how fancy. My hands shook as I began to read:

Dear Lilly,
I love you. I always have. You're so beautiful. When I look into your deep blue eyes, run my hand through your blonde hair, feel your touch; I just can't think. You're my whole life. Don't leave because of some stupid mistake. I can take care of everything. No more. There will be no more pain, no more suffering. I love you and that's all you need to know. Love can get us through this. I promise I won't do it again. This time it's for real. Please believe me. Don't leave.
Love always,
Jesse


I held the note close to my heart, my head spinning. I didn't know what to think. This was how it started the first time. He had acted loving and then, nothing. Two weeks after our wedding, he was already all over me. Our new life wasn't going the way he had planned, so he took out his anger on me.

I thought back to the night before. I saw his face; the fury inside of him. He acted as if he hated me. It was as if he didn't care. I felt the pain; his hand striking me, his tight grip on me, keeping me still. Tears had flowed from my eyes, staining the wounds, trying their hardest to was it all away.

And then he had suddenly let go. His breathing became labored and he looked at me, a look of pure horror on his face. He had realized what he had done to me, and he was sorry. He had cradled me in his arms, wiped away my tears, all while wisphering his apologies. That's when I felt it: the security I had felt when we were first dating.

I shook the memories from my head and focused on the problem at hand. I looked from the suitcase to the letter and back as a war broke out in my mind. I had to decide what was more powerful; what he told me or my choice.

A sweet aroma reached my nostrils just as I was picking up my suitcase. I found a single lily on the floor just below the hall table. Smelling it, I smiled. I could give him another chance, right?

Just one more...
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

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Thu Aug 11, 2011 3:21 am
Shadowlight says...



Wow..... just wow.

It was certainly disturbing and heart wrenching.

Alright, I like how you really seemed to get into the head of an abused woman, her waffling between her need to leave him and how he overpowers her mind, making her want to stay with him.

There were a few places where I personally would have done different punctuation to give it a different feel and I thought there was one or two sentences that were a little awkwardly phrased. But as I have dyslexia I don't critique the mechanics of others writing. :D

I loved/felt horrible about the ending where she was really considering giving him a second chance after hurting her so badly. it is actually really true of abusive relationships.(I hope dearly you don't know from personal experience!)

you did an excellent job on the psyche of your main character and tackling a hard subject!
This is a great short work!
~Shadow
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:07 am
VuzzyCat says...



No! Don't trust him again!

Really good story! I felt the emotions of Lilly very strongly, which I think is hard to do for a character. The only spelling mistake I found was:

all while wisphering his apologies


It's just a typo, but it should be whispering. Other then that, I thought it was amazing! Loved it!
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3

I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story.
<3 VuzzyCat
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 9:20 am
ilovemyboys says...



This was powerful, creepy and brilliant.
Ten minutes later, I lugged my suitcases out into the hall. I paused for a second and looked around. This had been my home for the past three years, the most agonizing years of my life.
this is all i picked out, you missed out the 's'
This actually kinda scared me, though. But it seems like Jesse really does love Lilly. And I love "Love The Way You Lie" I can sing along to the Eminem bits 8D
Keep writing!
Georgie
x
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:01 am
PurpleShade says...



Hallo...
My first review ever! I'm nervous.
First of all, I liked this piece. At first I thought it was a little over-indulgent, just a lot of "love loss pain augh my life sucks" but as it progressed, it became more poetic... and I was able to relate to the suffering.

Nitpick:
He had promised never to do it again. I believed him
You forgot the period there. "I believed him."

My favourite part was the note you included. I feel that if you had excluded the note from the husband, the entire story would have been lost. The reader couldn't relate to what she's going through because through our eyes, it just seems horrible and we cannot possibly have a chance of understanding why she has put up with this bastard for so long. But the note changes everything. I'm sure every girl has had a moment like that, when a guy does something so wrong, but apologizes so beautifully, you can't resist. Even though not everyone goes through a relationship that extreme, you've made it so that we can still relate to what she's going through. That's what made the story worth reading for me.

All in all, I liked it! I said that already. Anyhow, nicely done.
Au revoir,
~PurpleShade~
~I have a signature, my little lemon-drops! And here it is.~
  





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Thu Aug 18, 2011 4:03 am
Doxie00 says...



Wow! Awesome story! I got hooked on it from the first line! :) I really loved it! Sadly, i have no reproaches to make u_u
Keep up the good work!! :))
  








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