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Corrine [Competition Entry]



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Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:50 am
number32 says...



[Bear in mind; I never, ever write romance and any attempts I make often fail. However, I chose Corrine and the only genre that came to mind was romance, critiques accepted gladly!

Corrine

Corrine, with her sandy blonde hair always worn loose but pinned back from her face with a simple hair slide. Her eyes resemble blueberries nestled in the leaves of their shrub whilst being electrified with gold. Her lips, I notice, are always a different shade of red or pink. Corrine, oh my lovely Corrine...

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When the bell of the elevator rang and the door lazily opened, I was focusing on my work completely. I was just doing the paper work on a case my colleagues were working on and wanted to get to lunch quickly. However, when I heard Chief Superintendent Kelly's voice, I look up abruptly to see a pretty girl alongside him. She was around my age and was extremely beautiful. Medium height, wearing a floral dress and elegant brogues. She looked confident as she shook my colleagues hands politely and I was about to stand up and talk to her when somebody taps my shoulder. It was my supervisor.
"Chester, I need to speak to you in my office. It won't be long, no need to look so disappointed."

As my supervisor droned on and on about various things I had to do, I glanced out of the glass walls of the office at the girl. She had such a sweet smile, her blue eyes turned electric every time and her whole face turned on like a light bulb. When she's talking she always nodded slowly, cocking her head to one side slightly...
"Chester? Did you get all of that?"
"Hm?" I mumbled, snapping out of the trance. "Yeah, yeah, got all of it."
He looked at me curiously. “Well, that's all."
I nod and leave the office then walk towards the pretty girl, getting closer and closer. Then suddenly she's turning around and being led by my superintendent to the lift again. They called the lift but it's already there, she stepped inside and the doors closed. She's gone, never to be seen again. I licked my lips nervously and head back to my desk. I sit on my chair for a few minutes before leaning back and tapping Eric, my colleague, on his shoulder.
He turns around. "Yeah?"
"You know that girl, the one with Kelly?"
He grins. "Ah...! She's his daughter. Now, now, Chester, you don't want to mess with her. You might just end up getting sacked!"
"I was just curious, that's all...What's her name again? “I reply.
He winks at me and returns to his work. I can't, though. All I can think about is Kelly's daughter.



It was a fortnight before Chief Superintendent Kelly's daughter came back. Since she came the first time, whenever he entered our floor and I heard his voice, my head would snap up, expecting to see a sandy-blonde haired girl in a floral dress with him. Each time I was disappointed. Until today.
Her lips were a bright red and she was wearing a cute dress which I did not know the name of. I won't allow myself to miss her this time. I stand up and manoeuvre through the various desks and photocopy machines before I can put my arm out and touch her. I don't though, instead I take a deep breath and say:
'Hi! What's your name?' Suddenly, the whole office is silent. I didn't think my voice would come out that loudly. I feel uncomfortable and hot. Someone coughs in the distance and a few papers ruffle. She smiles at me sadly, no, not sadly, wearily.
"Erm...Hi, I'm Corrine.
My heart thumps in my neck. The office slowly trudges back to life. What should I say now? What do I say?
"I-I er, I'm Chester,"
She smiled and held her hand out. "Nice you meet you, Chester."
I shook her hand gently, afraid I might hurt her. “Er, do you w-want a coffee? There's a nice place around here and I-I'm on my coffee break."
She smiled softly, her red lips curving slightly and nodded.

The cafe was busy but it was lunch time so that was expected. When we stepped inside; a little bell tinkled, we were greeted by the soft chatter of customers and the clinking of spoons against coffee cups. The air was an explosion of coffee and cakes and the walls were a sherbet pink and yellow. Our shoes were heard. Most of the people in here were eating out so there was a selection of seats to choose from inside.
"Let's sit by the bar, you know, the one in front of the window," Corrine suggested.
"S-sure," I replied and we sat. "What would you like? On me, of course."
"Oh, no, no! I couldn't let you do that." She objected, smoothing down her dress.
I shook my head. "Now, what would you like?"
"It's very, very kind of you, Chester..."
I raised my eyebrows and she sighed. “Some tea would be lovely, thank you."

There were a selection of different confectionaries on display in the counter. Chocolaty slices, delicate cupcakes in polka-dotted cases, puffy pastries and decorated biscuits. Whilst I was waiting for the two tea's that I ordered, I looked down at a muffin.
"Ur, excuse me, sorry. Can I have two muffins?"
The waitress nodded and handed me my order.

As I made my way back to the bar, I admired Corrine from a distance. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and was observing things out of the window. I sat down beside her.
"I brought you a muffin,"
She smiled. "Thanks."
We spoke and ate for a while. She told me she had just finished her history Master's in Oxford University and was doing part-time jobs mainly. We spoke some more about general things, she liked watching television but didn't like movies much and she was allergic to cats. When an hour and a half had past and my lunch break was over, we walked back to the office. The lift ride was quiet and awkward, our heads were bowed but I was able to see her sangria red lips. I suddenly straightened up and looked her, she did the same. I turned to face her and looked into her eyes, an electric blue explosion framed with brown lashes.

Suddenly everything around me was a blur, the only thing I was concentrating on was the angelic girl in front of me. Pushing any restrains to the back of my mind I leant it and kissed her, just as the doors of the lift opened. The kiss felt like I was seeping in the warm colour from her lips but it was cut short when a familiar voice boomed:
"Get off my daughter!"
I felt Corrine squirm slightly, then she push back and I opened my eyes abruptly. Her eyes were wide.
"You! Get away from my daughter, you pervert!" Kelly shouts.
I turned to face him, his features distorted with anger. I didn't back off, I know I should have, but I was so startled I couldn't move. I looked back at Corrine who was pressed into the corner of the lift, shielding her face.
"That's it, someone, grab him. I'm not having my daughter being abused."
I widened my eyes. "I-" But I wasn’t given a chance to say anything when two men grabbed me by the shoulders and hauled me out of the lift.

The next few hours were a blur to me. I was taken into a police station, stripped of my belongings (apart from my clothes) and thrown into a holding cell.
Even though I worked in the offices of a police station I had never once looked at a holding cell. I thought that it'd have a decent bed at least but it didn't. The mattress and pillow were hard and thin, with no sheets to cover you. There was a metal toilet, with a basin combined, in the corner of the cell. I observed my surroundings with a frown and then, after a few moments, sat on the bed.

I didn't understand why I was here, I had done nothing wrong. I didn't hurt Corrine, did I? I hope not...but she didn't pull away when I kissed her, did she? I wonder how I long I'll stay in here, surely not for very long. Once everything's been cleared up I'm positive I'll be out. I tapped on the wall for a bit. How long will this take? Meanwhile, I'll think of Corrine and that kiss we had...

When my eyes peeled open and my limbs stretched out from their curled position, I found myself looking up at an officer. The light was shining through the small window above me so I was squinting.
"Come on, Sunny, get up," She said. “Time to get you out of here."
I sat up, rubbed my eyes, ran my fingers through my hair and followed the officer out of the cells.
Once everything was cleared up and all my possessions returned to me, I walked out of the police station and headed down to a near-by Starbucks.
It wasn't busy, so I ordered a coffee and sat down. As I looked out of the glass shop front, I saw a girl outside the police station. Curious, I observed her as she turned her head from left to right as she walked. I was unable to see her face as it was concealed by the hood of her hoodie. Suddenly she stopped, just as my coffee arrived. I raised the beverage to my lips and took sips whilst observing the mysterious girl. She looked up, her face still in an area of darkness which meant I was unable to tell what she was looking at. A thought suddenly dawned on me; what if she was Corrine? Looking for me? This made me smile and just as I was about to get up and talk to her someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around to find a sandy-haired girl, her eyes were a blueberry-blue, encrusted with golden speckles. The corners of her maroon lips turned up slightly. She stood in her dainty dress, with a muffin in her hand.
"I bought this for you," she said sweetly, placing it beside my drink.
I ran my fingers through her hair and she planted her palms on my cheeks as we kissed.


The kiss was a dream, she never was here and I never did feel her smooth hair run through my fingers. I woke up in Starbucks, a waitress tapping my shoulder and asking me whether I was finished with my drink. The coffee in front of me was stone-cold. I asked the waitress how long I had been asleep for and she answered; around an hour or so. I looked around, hoping to see Corrine waiting to tap me on the shoulder but only a couple sitting around the table beside me were to be seen. I looked out of the window, too. Wishing that the girl in the hoodie was going to pull down her hood and reveal her sandy-hair, but she was not outside. I asked the waitress whether a girl which matched Corrine's description was in the shop whilst I was asleep but she failed to answer in the affirmative.

As I stand in the elevator today, the exact elevator Corrine and I had made a connection in, my heart aches. I ask continuously about her to Chief Inspector Kelly, but he doesn't think I'm good enough and refuses to answer my inquiries. Every time he comes up to the office and I hear his voice, I can't help but look up; hoping to see an angel in a floral dress, with a random shade of red on her grinning lips, her sandy-blond hair falling over her shoulders, electric-blue eyes wide open and in her hand a muffin bought for me...
Last edited by number32 on Mon Aug 15, 2011 8:54 am, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:06 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

You did a fine job with this piece. Your main character was very relatable and his situation was understandable. The romantic part of the piece was good as well. For not writing romance often, you did a good job. It's always good to challenge yourself, write about a topic you don't normally touch.

Here are some suggestions I have. My corrections are in bold:
She was around my age and she was extremely beautiful.

You don't have to reapeat 'she' here.

She had such a sweet smile, her blue eyes turned electric every time and her whole face turns turned on like a light bulb.

Watch your tenses. You used present and past tense in the same sentence.

Her lips were a red shade this time, I noticed and she was wearing a cute dress.

The phrase I underlined seems awkward. Maybe you should switch up the order of the words? Or write it a different way?

She smiled softly, her red lips [s]curved[/u] curving slightly, and nodded.


She told me she had just finished her Master's in university and was doing part-time jobs mainly.

What's her master's in? Which university did she attend?

The end is a little confusing to me. Chester is cleared of his 'crimes' and then goes to a Starbucks. Some time after that he wakes up from a dream and returns to work. What was the dream? When did he fall asleep? I think you should make that clearer.

Good job with this piece. PM me if you have any questions at all. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Wed Aug 17, 2011 11:20 am
Priceless says...



Hi there ^.^

She was around my age and was extremely beautiful


Maybe instead of saying she was extremely beautiful, you can show it. By like having him drop something, or his eyes widen, or something. Eliminate 'ly' words as much as possible. ;)

Also, the narrator mentions that she was around his age so why when they were caught did her father scream "Pervert!" Maybe you should make it a bit more clear the ages of the two.

Otherwise, I didn't catch anything wrong with it. It was cute. :) Keep writing!
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  





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Sat Aug 20, 2011 12:19 am
Doxie00 says...



Okay so i really appreciated this poem! I liked the fact that it had an unexpected twist to it, and the way you described their conversation when he first approached her was very real. You know, the awkwardness and stuff. :)

I liked the fact that it was interesting and kept me reading till the end!
Nice job,
Keep up the good work! :)
  








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