Young Writers Society

I sat on a hard wooden chair gazing dismally out of my bedroom window. I had gray bags under my eyes, streaked with a hint of purple. My eyelids hung covering half of my dark empty eyes. My hair stuck to my forehead and was greasy because I hadn't moved from this spot for the past three days. My heart felt like it had been torn out of my chest and stamped on then someone had stuck it back into me lazily and not tried to repair the broken halves or the frayed edges.

Suddenly the door creaked open slowly, the hinges squeaking and breaking the silence, the loud screeching of the door turning would almost be funny if I felt like I could laugh. The maid , Mary, tip toed into the room and layed some white cotton sheets on the end of my bed.

“Do you want any water?” Mary asked in a concerned but nervous voice, she sounded scared, like one wrong word and I would kill her. I turned slightly my eye catching the ragged corner of the tea towel she was holding, “No...” I replied quietly but firmly and turned my head away and resumed staring out the window. 'Do you want any food or a bath or a fire to be lit?” she listed things that I knew I needed but didn't want. I shook my head again unable to speak.

Mary drew a breath about to add something but she stopped mid breath and turned and walked out the room quietly shutting the door quietly behind her the creaking beginning again, her exit almost identical to how she entered the room. A silence and lack of life set over the room again, shielding the dim light that Mary had cast over me with just asking a few questions and showing the slightest bit of concern.

I shut my eyes and flashbacks of his bloodstained cheeks and painful glances etched my brain, shaking me like a ragged doll leaving me shivering in the darkness and tears running down my cheeks, for what seemed like the one hundredth time that day. I keep asking myself “why? How and why did it happen, why?” the only person that ever knew me, dying in my arms on the side of the road.

"I love you, with all of my heart." you said in a coarse, throaty voice. Before your body went limp and your hand turned cold. That single night in the hospital etched into my mind my heart aching for you to have heard me whisper it back in a coarse, throaty voice, aching for you to hear me say it one last time before it was too late.

He and I didn't have to doddle hearts on every torn scrap of paper that we could find. Or every single card that we exchanged with each other. We knew that love existed without having to see it written down. We didn't have to scribble sickening love letters to make each other begging for forgiveness. We could just say it face to face nothing was to hard or scary, we would always try our best to understand. I am left asking myself again “why?”

He always what I was feeling, it was never a guessing game, he knew straight away without me having to describe every detail. He would always be there to have my back when I fought and wipe the tears of my eyes when I couldn't take anymore, he always stood by me. Even when he knew I was wrong he would try and understand my perspective, he would always try when deep in his heart he was certain of something.

I wish people were happy and thoughtful and knew there would always be a pair of arms waiting to hold you at the end of a treacherous journey. I wish everyone was born with something that told them that, a personal visit from god just to let them know or a post it note on every corner that they walked around, just a friendly reminder.

But I begin to wounder, why his life and not mine? He was always the better person. The stronger more honest, forgiving and kind one. He made an effort with everything and I was at times rather lazy and ignorant. He was thoughtful and showed that he loved me and I would take it all for granted, not realizing how special he was and how easily I could lose him.

I realize now. I understand why he told me that he loved me so many times. He knew how much I meant to him and he loved me all the time, even when I was a vile and disgusting beast, he would still smile and say “I love you!” I never did that... So why?

Hey
First of all, your too young to be thinking about love! Haha i'm only kidding.The whole thing looks like you wrote it in a little bit of a rush, I think going back to edit would be very helpful, because its not just a couple of spelling errors, its stuff like :

Suddenly in barged my sister Mary stormed in happily with a slight skip in her step

where you've pretty much said the same thing twice with "barged" and "stormed".If you want I can help you out with where you've made this minor errors (just PM me) but I think you should be able to see them yourself. Some of your sentences are a bit long, for example :

He always managed to calm me down when I was furious and red in the face with rage and cheer me up when I was at my most darkest, depressed moods after being with him I would always come around and realize things that I was blind to before, he was just like that, he just always knew.

I kind of get that the character is listing off all the things she loves about him and that in her excitement she is perhaps rambling a bit (which is good writing if this was deliberate) but I think that sentence is still just a little sloppy. Spelling mistake: I believe you meant "doodle" not "doddle". I like this paragraph because it is so true! :

He and I didn't have to doddle hearts on every torn scrap of paper that we could find. Or every single card that we exchanged with each other. We knew that love existed without having to see it written down. We didn't have to scribble sickening love letters to make each other begging for forgiveness. We could just say it face to face nothing was to hard or scary, we would always try our best to understand.

I also liked this part :

I wish people were happy and thoughtful and knew there would always be a pair of arms waiting to hold you at the end of a treacherous journey. I wish everyone was born with something that told them that, a personal visit from god just to let them know or a post it note on every corner that they walked around, just a friendly reminder.

*Sigh i wish I had that. But no the meaning behind it definitely rings true!

Ok so overall, I think it's a little bit cliche, I mean with the storyline- its been done before. Then again, every romance is a little cliche because they are all based on the same feeling- love.The cliche will rub off more and more the more you write, so keep practicing. Basically as writers we copy and change other's writing who we find influential and inspirational to us and than after a while we find our own footing and our own originality so you'll get there! I think you got your point across very well, its a sweet story. Yet I think you could elaborate a bit more on the cold, empty, sad feeling that she has. Oh and try to "show not tell" a bit more. A lot of the time your kind of stating stuff. And also try to add some metaphors/symbols/similes to add some depth to your writing- from experience I reckon they work pretty good in romances. Anyway good job! You got across the emotion well. Keep writing- practice makes perfect!!! -Rachel

The first paragraph, you could try making it clearer yet simple. Good one though. See ya!

Hey there!

Great basic plot of the story. It's sad, depressing and just plain sweet. Kinda like Shakespeare and his tragedies :p Even though they're sweet, they're still sad.

I'd like to point out a few things though:

The first paragraph is a great opener, but I suggest you read it over. Something about the last sentence order makes you pause to read it over and make sure you read it correctly. Switch around a few words and see where that gets you maybe?

DreamingForever wrote:Suddenly in barged my sister Mary stormed in happily with a slight skip in her step, shaking me from my sleep and a setting a sadness over my mood. I jumped up alertly and glanced around the room catching sight of Mary.

Okayyyy....well this first sentence in this paragraph is worded weird. It's almost as if it's a run-on. I also suggest you take out "stormed" because it sort've contradicts with the last part after that. "Barged" is fine though. There should also be a comma in between "suddenly" and "in". Also find a way to say that she made you sad in a different way. It sounds too....idk. Like this maybe?
"Suddenly, in barged my sister Mary with a slight skip in her step, shaking me from my sleeping and causing me to become sad all over again."

That's all I'm going to point out, because the rest of your story has errors like this just in different forms. Your sentence structure could use a little work. You should also spell check your work before you post it up. And to figure out what you need to change for errors, read it out loud to yourself slowly.

Great idea and draft so far
I liked the read.
-Brie