Young Writers Society

Hey guys This is the concluding piece to the other 5 romance short stories that i have written, once again i emphasise that it should (if i've written it correctly) make sense without having to read the others. Then again, it probably won't make a lot of sense even if you have Oh and could someone help me with my first sentence, the "yourself" comes up as an error in word and it wants to correct it to "you" which doesn't really work.


There’s a big difference between telling yourself something and actually believing it. Sometimes you don’t realise the lie you made until you see the truth.

The truth is blissful, a shining ray of light that manages to illuminate all the parts of my life that were enshrouded by darkness. Those parts had taken the opportunity to hibernate and I now find myself in a dazed sense of loss of time. How did so many weeks pass? How is winter nearly over? How did I get so far behind? While I’d been stuck in the shadows of this ditch the whole world had moved on without me. Now I’m playing catch up, but the point is that I’m back in the game, and loving it!

I can walk straight past you without really caring. And that’s what I’ve done, it’s almost strange when I get past you and I don’t feel some wretched emotion, contrarily I almost feel the small sense of pride you can feel after passing over an obstacle. My emotions have slithered between anger, betrayal, fear, remorse and sadness and now I’m proud to say that your presence doesn’t stir any emotion in me at all. Every time I walk past you it’s like I’m moving that little bit further on. Where on is, who knows? But it’s a hell of a lot more exciting than the hell I’ve been trapped in.

Not to say that your presence doesn’t still linger in my mind. I dream about you in the mornings, your eyes betraying the emptiness and lack of recognition that reflects what has become of us. They stare into space, you smile, but not at me. Were you ever smiling at me? When I first wake up I close my eyes and delve back into a more conscious form of dreaming where I’m the one making decisions and not my sightly confused conscience. The decisions aren’t great they’re leading me back down the dreaded path again I’ll admit, but they are only fleeting thoughts- I shudder to think of a place where all my wildest ideas came to fruition; it would be both the most magical and devastating place. That place is now hidden in a part of my mind that’s incorrectly labelled “abyss” and I haven’t fallen in for a while. I am happy.

Just because I'm strong now doesn't mean I'm not still a little fragile...

So maybe I’m avoiding my thoughts of you, and avoiding you literally. I’m certainly avoiding your eye, I don’t want to see the emptiness-a very small voice still longs for recognition but it’s become so feeble that I can’t even hear it. Maybe I’m going back and brushing away the footprints I made away from you. Maybe I still feel regret. Maybe I appreciate the lessons I’ve learned. Maybe my only regret is that I caused YOU pain. I will be forever sorry and forever unable to make amends, but I don’t worry about things I cannot change. Instead of looking backwards down that dark path to see its destruction, I’m realising that it’s a path I never, and won’t, ever wander down again.

The only parts missing are the sorry and the goodbye. I can’t really blame you for causing the hole that has now healed over. I was the one to push all the other parts out of me and make lots of room; it’s not really your fault that by leaving you left it empty. The room echoed, the walls stared down at me, the windows frowned, and the door was locked from the inside. Now I’ve found the key I hope you know what I now do. I hope you find the keys to your greatest dreams. I hope that you know that this isn’t your fault and I hope you learnt from my mistakes. I hope you know that pain is transient and that friendship will always be waiting for you. It’s all about choices, just because I came knocking ferociously at your door didn’t mean you opened up. The small glimpse I got as you peered outside was nothing but a small chink of glass. Instead of shining as I’d previously thought, the glass simply reflected all the light that I’d let in. All the effort that I’d put in wasn’t absorbed and, you know what, that’s your fault. Sure, you saw little sparkles, but you never truly looked long enough to realise the brilliance of the light I could bring.

All the roads to sorry are blocked; we passed the goodbye sign miles back. I hope that one day you’ll know that I never meant to cause you trouble. And I hope, just hope, that goodbye isn’t really left unsaid.

Hi there!

The first sentence is correct. You can't really tell 'you' something, can you? You need tp say yourself. I hate spelling/grammer checkers because they get it wrong half of the time.

How did full so many weeks pass?

I think it sounds better if you say 'so many' here. It just sounds awkward. I've never heard someone use a saying like that before.

The room echoed, the walls stared down at me, the windows frowned, and the door was locked from the inside. Now I’ve found the key I hope you know what I now do. I hope you find the keys to your greatest dreams. I hope that you know that this isn’t your fault and I hope you learnt from my mistakes. I hope you know that pain is transient and that friendship will always be waiting for you. It’s all about choices, just because I came knocking ferociously at your door didn’t mean you opened up.

I really, really like this part. It's so powerful and has great imagery.

I enjoyed this very much. After reading all the other ones that came before this, I have to say you did a good job ending the "story". I like how you wrote this, not portraying her feelings and situation through dialouge, but in her own head. I like the way you get inside your character's head and really pull out the emotions. Great job! I didn't see and grammer or spelling errors, so that's fine. Although I do want to correct your spelling of realize, but I remember that you guys spell it differently! XD

So overall this is a great piece. Keep writing!

Okay, first I must say that I really enjoyed reading this.

Your first line:

There’s a big difference between telling yourself something and actually believing it. Sometimes you don’t realise the lie you made until you see the truth.

This is such a powerful line that many people can connect too. This is a hook that keeps people reading. Oh and ignore word. "Yourself" is correct. If you changed it to you, it would destroy the sentence all together. Then it wouldn't be so great.

Your use of imagery is amazing. I can picture everything (which I love). Her pain and confusion is tangible. Readers can connect with her.

I'm only confused about one thing.In the beginning you character say's this:

I can walk straight past you without really caring. And that’s what I’ve done, it’s almost strange when I get past you and I don’t feel some wretched emotion, contrarily I almost feel the small sense of pride you can feel after passing over an obstacle. My emotions have slithered between anger, betrayal, fear, remorse and sadness and now I’m proud to say that your presence doesn’t stir any emotion in me at all. Every time I walk past you it’s like I’m moving that little bit further on. Where on is, who knows, but it’s a hell of a lot more excited than the hell I’ve been trapped in.

(First change "excited" to "exciting.")

Okay, from this I think that he has hurt her, but now she is holding her head up high and showing him that he no longer has that power. But then in another part your character says:

So maybe I’m avoiding my thoughts of you, and avoiding you literally. I’m certainly avoiding your eye, I don’t want to see the emptiness-a very small voice still longs for recognition but it’s become so feeble that I can’t even hear it. Maybe I’m going back and brushing away the footprints I made away from you. Maybe I still feel regret. Maybe I appreciate the lessons I’ve learnt. Maybe my only regret is that I caused YOU pain. I will be forever sorry and forever unable to make amends, but I don’t worry about things I cannot change. Instead of looking backwards down that dark path to see it’s destruction, I’m realising that it’s a path I never, and won’t, ever wander down again.

From this I get the sense that she is in the wrong and avoiding him all together. A stark contrast from the previous quote. Maybe I am being dense, but I don't see how one minute she has pride and she can walk past him, not thinking about him and showing him that he has no affect on her. Then the next minute she is saying she was the one in the wrong and that she is sorry for how she hurt him and that she is avoiding him.

Maybe you wanted to showcase a persons conflicting emotions when they go through a break-up. However, in this case I don't know if he hurt her and is now moving on and showing him he no longer has that power, or if she was the wrong all along and that she can't stand to face him but wishes him all the best.

If it were the latter, I don't know why she would want to stick him by walking past him as if he never mattered.

Maybe I appreciate the lessons I’ve learnt

This through me off for a sec. Change "learnt" to "learned."

The room echoed, the walls stared down at me, the windows frowned, and the door was locked from the inside. Now I’ve found the key I hope you know what I now do. I hope you find the keys to your greatest dreams

This is such a powerful and beautiful line. Your use of words evoke great emotions in me. Don't change anything about this.

I really hope this helps
Happy Writing!

Hi there!

Sometimes you don’t realise the lie you made until you see the truth.

That doesn't sound right.

How did full weeks pass?

I agree with Noelle, this doesn't sound right. Maybe 'whole weeks' or just 'weeks'?

Where on is, who knows? But it’s a hell of a lot more excited exciting than the hell I’ve been trapped in.

Instead of looking backwards down that dark path to see it’s its destruction, I’m realising that it’s a path I never, and won’t, ever wander down again.

All the roads to sorry are blocked; we passed the goodbye sign miles back. I hope that one day you’ll know that I never meant to cause you trouble.And I hope, just hope, that goodbye isn’t really left unsaid.

That line to me sounds out of place, it sounds ordinary compared to the other beautiful poetic sentences in this paragraph.

Apart from the above, I loved it. It was beautifully written and heartfelt, as always Hope I helped!

Wow. I'm glad it came to a good end. It's amazing how your writing is able to catch my attention everytime. I loved the descriptions in it and each and every emotion was described by you. You've actually helped me since I've always found a hard time describing emotions. That's all I can say. I really loved your stories (All of them). So goodluck for future posts!