Young Writers Society

I haunt her, I know I shouldn't. Being dead is boring. It's not like I chose death. Death just happened.

I was a normal seventeen year old guy, ready to start collge. Then, I saved her life. She means everything to me.
I love everything about her. Her hair, her smile, her lips, her body, her laugh, her snort, her mad face, her happy face, her flirty face, her attitude.

I love her.

That's why I pushed her out of the way when the murderer shot the gun. That's why I saved her life.

Now, I haunt her. I watch her every minute of everyday, as a ghost.
But, only a ghost. I can't touch her or talk to her. I've tried my hand only goes through her 'flesh' body.

Many times I've ached to talk to her and hold her in my arms. Especially when she cries herself to sleep.

She tries to act brave during the day but at night I watch her cry and whisper my name.

It breaks my ghost heart. People say ghost don't have feelings but they do. Oh, they do.

I now am watching her sleep in her huge bedroom that I remember we slept once.

Her breathing was coming softly. That cute way she always had of breathing through her nose when she slept.
I sat my ghostly body down on the bed and just looked at her.

Her curly brown was in tangles from tossing and turning. Her black, long eyelashes sometimes fluttered as if she was in a dream.
And her lips, oh her lips were as red as ever. Even more kissable and sweet.

Her eyes shot open as if she sensed another being with her. Her eyes scanned the room then rested on me. She hesitated as if seeing me a little bit.

"Madison," I whispered and laid down beside her.

She looked around, "Whose there?"
I, at first, was shocked. Normally she could not hear me. But, now it seemed she could.

"It's me Zach," I whispered placing my hand on her arm.
She shivered, "Go away. Please leave me alone. It isn't Zach. It will never be Zach."
Tears filled up her eyes and she shuddered.

"It is me. But, I'm a ghost," I said.
"Prove it," she answered. Ah, thats the Madison I knew and loved. She was always suspicious and non beliving.

"The first time we kissed I ended up biting your lip," I told her laughing a little.

Her eyes widened, "Where are you?"

"I'm a ghost. I'm right beside you," I answered smiling at her confused and utterly cute face.

I ran my hand over her head and she shivered, her skin got the goosebumps.

"Oh, Zach," she whispered turning her head, not realizing my face was now inches away.

"I love you. I'll love you forever," I told her. she started crying.

"I love you. And I always will. Remember we promised to love each other forever and always?" she whispered. She started hiccuping. I chuckled at her beautiful face.

"I'll watch over you, Maddie. I'll be your guardian angel. I'll never leave your side," I said.
"Zach, I hate my life. I want to be with you," she sobbed.
"You will, someday. Someday, you'll die then we can both go to heaven, together," I reassured her.

"Someday..." she repeated dreamily. I planted a kiss on her lips that were wet with tears. I tried to wrap my arms around her but they only went through her soft skin.

"Go to sleep. I'll be with you. I know I won't be able to talk to you all the time but know I will always be with you," I whispered in her ear.

She closed her eyes, "I love you, Zach."
"I love you too."

~*~*~*~*~*~ 60 years later

I did watch over her. We did talk some. My beautiful Madison grew up and became a public school teacher.
I watched her with delight and at nights we would talk. Even though she couldn't feel me I always held her.

Madison died one fall day, from a stroke. I carried her off to heaven.

We now are ghosts, together. She looks young again and beautiful, but she always was beautiful.

I remember the days I used to watch over her, she never married...

Hello!

I was a normal seventeen year old guy, ready to start collge. Then, I saved her life.

Typo here.

You don’t need that comma.

I love everything about her. Her hair, her smile, her lips, her body, her laugh, her snort, her mad face, her happy face, her flirty face, her attitude.

While I like this list, it’s a list without much behind it. The dead guy loves all this about her, so I’d expect some more detail—like the colour of her hair, the way she smiles, all that kind of thing. People smile in so many different ways. And saying “her body” is so generic. All of this is generic, there’s no personalisation to make it real.

That's why I saved her life.

Now, I haunt her.

I don’t think the juxtaposition works her, because “haunt” has very negative connotations, and it jars with the life-saving and love and all.

But, only a ghost. I can't touch her or talk to her. I've tried my hand only goes through her 'flesh' body.

You don’t need that first comma.

The second bolded part doesn’t make a lot of sense because you have no punctuation. Do you mean, I’ve tried—my hand only goes through her flesh body? If so, I think you should put “but” in-between “tried” and “my”.

People say ghost don't have feelings but they do.

Who says this? Most of the ghost-thingies I watch, it’s about ghostly emotions and passions and all.

She looked around, "Whose there?"

That comma should be a full stop, and “whose” should be “who’s” which is short for “who is”.

"Prove it," she answered. Ah, thats the Madison I knew and loved. She was always suspicious and non beliving.

Thats should be that’s.

Non beliving should be non believing, but that doesn’t sound right, so I think you should just leave it at suspicious.
I’m not very sure exactly why she wants to prove that he’s a ghost. I mean, she knows that he’s dead, and if someone you know is dead pops up in your bedroom one night, you’re not going to say, “Prove to me that you’re dead”, you’re going to say, “But what is this I don’t even aren’t you dead wait you’re a ghost call Bill Murray call Sam and Dean eek!”

She started hiccuping. I chuckled at her beautiful face.

Saying he chuckled right after she’s hiccupping makes him sound really patronising.

I remember the days I used to watch over her, she never married...

Dude, abrupt ending. Why tell us that she never married and then suddenly end it? After her saying that she’ll love Zach forever, I would have guessed that she would have stayed single. The ellipsis makes it seem as though you’re going to be continuing this with a kind of “she never married... or did she?” ending.

---

Hi!

I’m not a fan of romance, so bear with me. I didn’t really like this, because while in theory it’s a sweet idea—dead boyfriend staying with girlfriend for ever’n ever’n ever—in practice, it’s kind of creepy. I mean, is he going to be watching while she’s on the toilet? Getting dressed? Throwing up? Farting in bed?

I know that’s not romantic, but romance is a part of life, and romantic stories often gloss over that. Life includes things like farting and pooping and throwing up. Beside that, having someone come into my bedroom at night and watch me is just freaky. Like Twilight. It’s not cute, it’s stalkerish and a complete invasion of privacy.

Sorry if this seemed harsh, but it’s only my opinion, and it’s genuinely meant to help. PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

I love the title but the beginning of the story didn't drag me in so I was really dissapointed to tell the truth. In the tyoe of story that you were telling I thought it would start off by talking about when he started to haunt her what was so compelling about this one girl that in the form of ghost he couldn't help but want to be around her. Did she remind him of someone he knew when he was alive? These are the things I wanted to read instead you started off just jumping right in not giving us a visual at all. Readers need a visual or how are they to see what you see when you are writing?

despite the few grammar mistakes (which we all make, don't worry) this is amazing, I nearly cried. can I give you a good hint, well read this story over and whilst doing this listen to my skin by natalie merchant. You'll cry, it has a really good effect to your amazing story.

Hi,Narnialover4ever1

Starting with
'I haunt her, I know I shouldn't. Being dead is boring.'
makes me think that he is obsessive or something like that.

You used a lot of 'her' word which makes it kind of repetitive.

'She started hiccuping. I chuckled at her beautiful face.'
How can he chuckle at the sight of his beloved who is totally devastated.

The ending of the story was not well written.

I liked the basic concept of your story but the way you depicted is not so impressive. The way you showed the emotions made me think that you can do better.
bye