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3km love story



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26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 877
Reviews: 26
Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:54 am
dhanshucool says...



“Arjun, our deadline has come. In 1 week we need to deliver the project to the client. So, what’s the status?” my manager asked me raising his eyebrows.
“Ya it’s almost over. Today I’ll check for defects and let you know by tomorrow Shiva,” I replied.
“That’s cool,” he said smiling at me. That was really a cunning smile!

I was working in HCL as a software engineer.
I was a bit workaholic. I stopped spending time with my friends, no movies, games, nothing I did. All I needed was to earn money. So my friends started calling me as 'CHITTI' (the robot).

My phone started ringing. It was my mom. I picked up my phone.
“Hello, Arjun, glad news for you!” she said.
“Yes what ma?” I replied in a hurry.
“I have seen a girl for you. She is from our area only. She went to abroad and all for higher studies. Her horoscope matches yours perfectly. She is looking good. Me and your dad went to their house and spoke too. We gave your number her. She will call you in sometime,” She told without giving a pause.
“Amma, am already busy, why did you give my number to her!” I shouted.
“You are telling the same thing for years. You have to speak to her, that’s it,” she ordered.
“Ok I will take care, bye”, I replied.
“Speak to her nicely dear, bye”, she told softly and hung the call.

As soon as I hung the call, my phone rang once again. It was from an unknown number.
“Hello”, I said attending the call.
“Is this Arjun?” one girl spoke.
I was pretty sure that it was a well known voice but I couldn’t get it immediately. “Yes, may I know who is on the other side?” I asked politely.
“Hi, it’s Preethi. Your mom and dad came to our house today. I think they told u about this”, she replied.
‘Oh my Gosh, it’s Preethi. What should I do now?’ I thought.
I became blank for a minute.
“Hello, are you there?” She asked.
“Ya… Sorry, I will call you back in sometime,” I said and hung the call immediately.
“Is it a dream or what? It’s Preethi. What should I do now?” I started speaking to myself. My heart beat faster.
I calmed down myself, picked up the phone and dialed her number again. She picked up the call.
“Sorry, I was little busy in office. Did my mom and dad showed my photo to you? You stay in Anna nagar only right?” I asked her to confirm that it was my Preethi.
“Yes we stay there only. I didn’t see your photo yet”, She replied.
“Ok, shall we meet today?” I asked.
“Ya sure”
“Ok, then we will meet in CCD, Anna nagar, sharp at 7.30pm”
“What color dress you wear?” she asked.
“Black shirt and blue jean”, I replied.
“Ok, see you then, bye”, she said and hung the call.

“What the hell is going on?” I screamed. I was very much excited. It was three years, since we met. I felt some butterflies flying in my stomach. The time was 5.30pm. Only two more hours were left to meet her.


3 years back…..
(Past)
I was in hospital. The doctor took my blood half an hour before, for testing it. I was waiting for my blood test result.
First time I gave my blood for test, so I was a bit nervous. I started praying god that nothing bad should happen. Doctor came out with a sheet in hand.
“I am sorry to say….” he paused for a few seconds and removed his specs.
Oh f**k, I have seen this scene in many Tamil movies. Even doctors do the same in reality? If they removed the specs, it means the patient have some serious kind of disease.
“Please, don’t say anything like that”, I prayed.
“You have blood cancer”, doctor said.
“What???” I screamed in shock.
“Please control yourself. Now only you should be very cautious Mr.Hari”, doctor said.
“Hari? I am Arjun, not Hari!” I said loudly.
Doctor got confused. Brainless doctor! He misplaced my report with some other report. He brought my original report.
“I am sorry. Here is your report. You have high cholesterol.
“Thank God!” I said taking a deep breath, because cholesterol is far better comparing to cancer.
“Take these tablets regularly. Don’t take it very light. It’s highly dangerous. So try to avoid junk food items and also you should run 3km a day compulsorily,” he advised.
'I am already lean then how come I got this cholesterol? Shit happens!' I thought.
“Ok doctor I will follow it. Thank you.” I said and left.
That night I kept alarm at 5.30am and slept.

Next day morning 5.30…. The alarm made me deaf. It was that much noisy.
I woke up, wore shoes, took a bottle of water and started running. After sometime I realized that I ran more than 3 km and the worst thing is I had to run 3 more kilo meter back to return home. My water bottle was empty. I needed some water to continue my running. I found one small pump. I went there and started filling water in bottle. A gentle breeze blew on my face. I raised my head. A girl wearing bag passed me jogging. I didn’t see her face properly. I found her bag zip was opened and something was about to fall from it.

“Hello, Excuse me! Your zip is open,” I shouted at her.
She turned back. Wow she was goddamn pretty. To my surprise she scolded me, “Idiot, @%$#&*@#.”
She told something in Hindi. I couldn’t understand anything except the word ‘idiot’. “I was trying to help her but she scolded me,” I looked puzzled. I rewind the thing what I have told her and...
“Shit... I missed the word ‘bag’ and it changed the whole meaning. You need this and as she said you are number one idiot”, I scolded myself and returned home.

Next day again I went for jogging the same time like the previous day. She was coming back of me and I didn’t realize it first.
“Hey hello!” she shouted at me.
I turned and looked around to confirm whether she was calling me or some one else.
“I am calling you only, wait,” she told coming near me.
“Sorry for yesterday’s thing. Actually after reaching home only I realized that you meant my bag zip”, she told politely.
“Yeah that’s ok. It’s my mistake only,” I said.
“Hmmm... So daily you come at this time for jogging?” She questioned me.
“Ya for the past 2 days am doing it,” I said. I tried to look only into her eyes and speak but I couldn’t. She was really cute.
“Ok, I am Preethi and you?” she gave me hands.
Again Preethi uhh…. My inner voice echoed.
I wiped my hands and gave it to her saying,”Arjun”. Her hand was too soft. Don’t have heart to leave her hand.
“My house is nearby only so I am leaving. We’ll meet near that pump tomorrow same time. Done?” she asked me.
“Ya sure, done”, I replied with a smile.

(Present)
The time was 6.30pm. I decided to start from office, so that I can reach CCD on time. I took my bike and started from office.
I was smiling without my knowledge. “Should I buy something for her?” I asked myself.
I decided to buy a small bouquet. I went to shop and bought it. I reached CCD by 7.05. I took one couple seat and started waiting for Preethi.

(Past)
“So, what are you doing?”She asked me.
“I just completed my degree and searching for job. What about you?”I asked her.
“Great! Even I am. Actually I wanted to do my MBA abroad but my dad is not allowing me”, She told worrying.
“Did you ask the reason to them?”I asked.
“Ya, they are worrying about my security there,” she replied.
“Hmmm”, I wanted to ask whether she has boy friend.
“Do you have girl friend?” She asked. Girls are really faster than guys I thought.
“No I don’t have but in my college days I had,” I said.
“What’s her name???”She asked.
“She has your name only. Preethi,” I said.
“Wow great. Then she must be a pretty and smart girl”, She told and winked.
“Yes she is,” I said.
“Ok what happened? You broke up now?” she asked me.
“Ya she is married now”, I replied and hung my head.
“I am sorry,” she paused and asked, “Are you really happy now?”
“She is happy,” I said and smiled. We maintained silent for few seconds.
“Ok do you love anyone?” I asked curiously.
“Ya I love Bharath,” She told immediately.
'Oh shit! I shouldn’t have asked this question to her,' I scolded myself. All my dreams shattered in a second.
“What you are not giving any reaction? You won’t ask who bharath is?” she asked me.
“Ya ok who is he?” I asked her for namesake.
“You don’t know bharath? Actor Bharath, I love him a lot. I’ll see all his movies on first day itself you know”, She replied.
In bracket it’s a joke. It must be the worst joke in my lifetime. Anyway I came to know that she is single. I liked it and I felt happy for it.

After I left to home I switched on my laptop and went to facebook. I searched her profile to know more about preethi.
At last I found her profile. I couldn’t collect much information but still I got her birth date. It’s approaching next month.
Daily morning we met and we became very good friends shortly. I followed her in facebook. She doesn’t know that. I decided to give her a surprise on her birthday.

I wanted her phone number. I felt bad to go and ask her first. So I took my phone and simply kept in my ears and spoke to show that I have a mobile.
“Hey! Nice mobile, how much is this?” she asked me.
“It’s ten thousand”, I said.
She took my mobile and dialed some number and kept in her ear. Her mobile rang.
“This is my number save it”, she said and smiled.
Yes my idea worked out and I jumped in joy after she left me.

(Present)
Time was 7.25.
I took my phone. I have got a missed call from Preethi. I called her back.
“Hello, this is Arjun. I am in CCD. Where are you?” I asked eagerly.
“Sorry a small delay. I ll be there in another 15mins”, she said.
“Ok”, I said and hung the call.

(Past)
Only 2 days left for her birthday. Still I didn’t decide what present I should give. I went to shop and searched for gifts but nothing looked special.
“Yes I have got an idea,” I rushed to laptop and opened facebook.
I have seen many pictures of her in her profile. I took the best one and I drew it in a chart. Then I framed and packed it.
I am not a big artist but still I can manage to draw someone if I have their photo. This time it came out well too.
I hide my gift inside my jerkin and waited for her. She came and said, “Hi good morning.”
“Ya good morning,” I said.
She gave me sweets and said, “Today is my birthday.”
“Is it??? Why don’t you tell me this before”, I asked as if I don’t know anything.
“Should I go and tell everyone that today is my birthday? You have to ask me”, She said.
“Ok cool. Happy Birthday,” I said and shook hands.
After sometime…
“I need to go little early today. Have to go for temple”, she said and turned to leave.
“Preethi,” I called her back.
“What?” she came and asked me.
I took the gift outside and gave it to her.
“This is for you,” I said.
“Thank you. Thank you very much. But how do you know that today it’s my birthday?” She asked in surprise.
“I know it through facebook,” I said and winked.
She opened the gift and she was very much excited.
“I really love this. Thank you, Arjun. You drew it?” she asked suspiciously.
“Ya I only did,” I replied.
“It’s really a special gift for me in this birthday. Hey then one more thing. I won’t come for one week as am going to my relative house. We will speak in phone. Bye. Take care.” she said.
“Bye. Have a great day”, I said.


In that one week I was thinking about her from morning till night. She didn’t call me. I decided to propose her when she comes. I took my phone and called her.
“Hi arjun, sorry I was busy here so couldn’t call you,” she said.
“When you will be coming?” I enquired.
“Tomorrow I will come for sure,” she said.
“Ok I want to tell you something when you come back,” I said.
“Ya even I want to tell you one thing. I have a surprise for you,” she said.
“Ok now you carry on with your work. We will meet tomorrow morning bye.”I said and hung the call.
Now my brain started thinking too much.
She has a surprise? May be she also felt the same feeling what I felt or may be her marriage got fixed.
“No no… Confidence… confidence,” I told myself.
I started looking at the time. Time is 7.00. 11 hours left to see her.
I kept alarm but didn’t get sleep. At last I slept at 12.00 and woke up before alarm wakes me.
I dressed up and waited in the same place where we meet daily. She came with a big smile on face.
“Hi, was sup man?” she asked me.
“You have to tell. You said you want to tell something to me”, I said.
“Ya, you close your eyes," she said.
“Why?” I asked her. “Do it fast; I’ll tell you,” She said.
I closed my eyes. In few seconds she asked me to open my eyes. She was having one paper in her hand.
“What’s that?”I asked.
“I am going to UK tonight. It’s my flight ticket. Last week on my birthday my dad gifted me some form. Guess what? It’s the admission form for me in Oxford University”, she told me with excitement and continued,”All the formalities are done last week itself. I am so much excited to go abroad.”
Till last week we were in same level. Now she is going abroad and I don’t have job too. She doesn’t love me; I understood it from her way. May be she didn’t feel my love. My eyes filled with tears. I controlled myself and said,”All the best.”

“Ok da I need to pack my luggage. After settling there, I’ll give you my number. Bye,” she said and left.
She didn’t even remember the thing that I too wanted to tell her something. May be she would have thought me like a Passing cloud.
“You are a big loser arjun”, I shouted and cried. I roamed like a mad in the road. My love started in 3km and ended in 3km.
I waited for her call for one month but she didn’t. To forget her, I deleted my facebook account too. Each time I go for interview I feel scared that I ll not get that job. Because of that reason only I didn’t get job. But after love failure I got immune power to face failure. I attended the interview and got job. Days passed, I worked really hard. I got promotions too but something was missing in my life. I know it’s her.

(Present)
Now again she came into my life. Is it our destiny or true love? Yes, True love never fails.
Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned my head to see; some girl smiled and asked,” You are Arjun, right?”
“Yeah, sorry I don’t know who you are,” I said.
“Hi, am preethi”, she said.
My heart stopped for a second. I felt lump in my throat because she is not the one I loved. I stared at her for a minute without answering anything.
I almost cried before her. “Sorry am not interested in marriage now”, I said and came out immediately.

I reached my home and switched on the TV to divert myself.
“Preethi ku naan guarantee…..” ad was going on.
“Shit”, I shouted and switched off the TV.
I took my laptop and created a facebook account. I searched for preethi. I found her profile after a half an hour search. Her profile picture is like she was carrying a baby. I saw her relationship status as married and current city as Newyork. I burst into tears.
“It’s all because of this fucking cholesterol”, I blamed it without reason.
After that incident I couldn’t concentrate on work. I needed a break. So, I started learning guitar.

After 4 years……

I quit my job and concentrated in music completely. Now I have a rock band troop on my own. Slowly I came out from my failures.
I agree that true love never fails but conditions apply. My age is 28. Still I am single.
My mobile started ringing……
It’s an unknown number. “Hello, Arjun here. There?”I said.
“Actually I have seen your ad in Hindu paper stating that you need a female singer. So to apply for that I called you”, She said.
“So, what type of singing you know?” I enquired.
“Western, Folk and Classical. I have many certifications on those”, She said.
“Ok come to office directly and meet me by tomorrow”, I said.
“Ok thank you”, she said.
“One second, your name please?”I asked.
“PREETHI”, she said.
-Dan
  





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38 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 257
Reviews: 38
Fri Sep 02, 2011 10:14 am
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LindsayG says...



Hey, first off, I'd just like to say that I liked your beginning...straight in the middle of the story, that always a great way to begin. So here are a few things you might want to take a look at and perhaps make the necessary changes.
First off, when you mention where you work you should probably add it to the preceeding line, because its basically still about the same thing.
Secondly,this paragraph
" I was a bit workaholic. I stopped spending time with my friends, no movies, games, nothing I did. All I needed was to earn money. So my friends started calling me as 'CHITTI' (the robot)."
Probably needs a review, check the grammar, a few things missing here and there.

Noticed the same thing in the conversation with Arjun's mom. Check that out as well...You should probably run it through spell check first before you add next time.
I also noticed that you seem to base a lot of the story on dialogue...maybe you should consider turning it into a script, it'll definitely make it easier for you.

Besides what I just said, I'd say keep writing, you've got something.
And if you need my help, you know where to find me...
I write because there's nothing left to say...
  





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Points: 936
Reviews: 12
Fri Sep 02, 2011 10:24 am
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Rahul says...



Your story is good, i really like the idea of jogging love i just want to add if your character is workaholic.. then show his nature, how he left his friends etc etc.. Other than good

Happy writing and keep it up!!..
Enjoy
  





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763 Reviews

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Gender: Female
Points: 3888
Reviews: 763
Fri Sep 02, 2011 4:47 pm
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Lava says...



Hey there!

A quick comment on your story.

It's good that you started smack in the middle. But you need to make sure it holds the reader's attention.
“Arjun, our deadline has come. In 1 week we need to deliver the project to the client. So, what’s the status?” my manager asked me raising his eyebrows.
“Ya it’s almost over. Today I’ll check for defects and let you know by tomorrow Shiva,” I replied. << This line is too informal. He shouldn't be talking to a boss like this. He should at least address him as 'Sir'.
“That’s cool,” he said smiling at me. That was really a cunning smile!

I don't get why the readers are getting so much info on his background and boss, when later in the story there is no mention of him? Try cutting your story so that the main plot points show and then, develop around it.
So my friends started calling me as 'CHITTI' (the robot).
Well, unless someone is familiar with Tamil cinema, they wouldn't understand this Rajni reference. I do like that you put in this line.

The main quip about your story is
A) Grammar:
There quite a few place where your grammar was wonky. I won't be pointing them out to you, but if you need a line-by-line help on that, shoot me a PM. I know YWS has lots of great tutorial in the Knowledge Base forum. Why not head over there and understand the nuances of grammar? Of course, only if you keep writing and editing will it turn good.

B) Description:
Simply put, there wasn't much description in this. It's description that helps ties the story together and helps a reader understand it better. So, work on that. And description should fascinate readers, not bore them.

C) Plot:
Okay, It's a good idea. But you could make it so much more haunting and striking if you edit it. Also; the frequent shift of past/present annoys the average reader. What you should do is, even if you want non-linear chronology, put it in such a way that it is easy for the reader to understand yet shouldn't get frustrated.

Cheers!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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133 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 13890
Reviews: 133
Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:21 am
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Starlight9 says...



Ya it’s almost over. Today I’ll check for defects and let you know by tomorrow Shiva,” I replied.
“That’s cool,” he said smiling at me. That was really a cunning smile!

>I agree with Lava, this conversation is pretty informal. Like you've used the words "Ya" and "Cool" and letting the client say the boss's name without Mr.
> Now instead of saying 'smiling at me' and repeating it 'a cunning smile', you could link the two words together such as;
He said with a cunning smile.

I stopped spending time with my friends; no movies or games, nothing I did (for fun?).


“Hello (comma omitted) Arjun, glad news for you!” she said.


She went (has been/travelled - a better verb) to abroad and all for higher studies.

She islooking good.
thought you mean good-looking?

We gave your number her.

> We have given/gave her your number.

“You are telling the same thing for years.
> have been saying

I think they've told you about this”, she replied.


I haven't seen your photo yet”, She replied.


It was the first time that I gave my blood for test,


“Did you ask them the reason ?”I asked.


Okay, I have forgotten about reviewing and spotting errors because the story was so interesting. I loved the end and couldn't stop laughing and at the same time feeling sympathy for Arjun.

The introduction was good yet quite informal as I have mentioned before. Then I have noticed in the middle of your story the overflowing of dialogues. Personally, I like dialogues more than descriptive writing in any story or a novel I would read, but, it seems that you have too much dialogues to the extend that it has made your story flat and not letting the reader imagine the scene itself. It is like the reader is picturing the guy and girl talking in an empty room. You mention the place, but you don't give much information about it.

Another thing I'd like to point out is the use of slang or text-language. I've noticed 'u', 'mins' and that sort of abbreviated words. Be careful of this, it will make your story poorly written. So, try to avoid abbreviated words even in dialogues.

One thing I disliked about your story, is how you mix between the present and the past in a direct way. It may confuse the reader. You can put all the past events in a flash-back mode or the hero 'Arjun' was recalling the past memories.

After all, it was a great story, loved it! You have those 'cool' ideas for a story but seems that the grammar and punctuation mistakes don't serve you and that's why we here to review :D Keep writing!(Sh!t, that's a long review)
★L9
  





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456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:50 pm
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks, for requesting a review, and allowing me a little time to get to it. my review will be based on grammatical errors and such. Hope it helps with your story:

In 1 week we need to deliver the project to the client.

The number one should be spelled out. All numbers should be spelled out. Also, there needs to be a comma after week because In one week is a dependent clause to this sentence.

my manager asked me raising his eyebrows.

There's a natural pause after me, so there should be a comma after me.

“Ya it’s almost over. Today I’ll check for defects and let you know by tomorrow Shiva,” I replied

there should be a comma after ya because it's an introductory word. There's a natural pause after it. There should be a comma after tomorrow because Shiva is someone's name and you are addressing them by it.

“That’s cool,” he said smiling at me. That was really a cunning smile!

There should be a comma aftersaid because smiling at me is a phrase. Also, personally I think you should put the word a before really instead of after, but that's just my opinion.

I was working in HCL as a software engineer.

What is HCL? If it's anacronym then you need to spell it out first then you can use it through out your story, so your readers are familiar with it.

I was a bit workaholic.

The word bit doesn't need to be in this sentence. Also, you are telling your readers information about your character when you need to be showing them. Facts like: having no friends, or no free time, no hobbies would be a good indicator that this person spends alot of time at work, or if he brings stacks of work to do at home that would also be a good indicator that this person works alot.

I stopped spending time with my friends, no movies, games, nothing I did.

The comma after games should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences, and that last part should say I did nothing.

All I needed was to earn money. So my friends started calling me as 'CHITTI' (the robot).

The period after money should be a comma and the s in so should be lower cased because so is a conjunctionthat combines two complete sentences. Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

My phone started ringing. It was my mom. I picked up my phone.

These kind of short sentences, all broken up and stuff disrupts the flow of the story. you should combine them to make it all one fluid sentence.

“Hello, Arjun, glad news for you!” she said.

Are your characters suppose to speak broken english? Are they from a different country? If they are you should mention that in the beginning somewhere, so that it doesn't look like you just don't know how to write. If they are suppose to be speaking english than let's fix it. glad should be good.

“Yes what ma?” I replied in a hurry.

Add a comma after yes, and a comma after replied.

This was a really cute story, but you need to work on your english and grammar alot. It was reall frustrating going through every word and sentence of this, so I stoped but if you want me to continue just ask. If you need another review or havequestions feel free to ask, as well.

have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  








If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind