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Chasing Cars



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Fri Sep 02, 2011 7:33 pm
ZannaShepherd says...



Spoiler! :
Ok, this was just a short story I sat down and wrote, because I wanted something to write. It's only lightly edited, so feel free to let loose on the shredding


Laughter. Her laughter. He could still hear it, like she was right there next to him. The place she had always been, and would never be again.

The funeral was today. He hadn’t gone. What was the point? It wasn’t like she was there. No. She had gone to a ‘better place’, at least that’s what everyone was telling him. He didn’t really believe them, he couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t gone. Not really, like she was just out of sight, just around a corner, or over the next hill, just waiting for him. And if he ran faster, moved quicker, or tried a little harder, he would find her smiling her beautiful smile and they would be together again.

Suddenly he felt claustrophobic and his room became a confinement he had to escape. Once free of the cell, he fled the prison, his mind blank he didn’t stop. The sharp sting of rain and loud blaring of car horns did nothing to stop him. His feet carried him across the asphalt and to the railroad tracks. As his mind finally registered where he was going, his heart constricted.

Just over the ridge was their place. The secret place, that only the two of them had ever gone. It was where they would go to laugh and cry, to just be together without anyone else. It had also been the last place he’d seen her before she’d left. It was silly really, just a small impression at the base of a hill. Truly nothing, but to them it was everything.
He took a deep breath. Maybe, just maybe she was still there.

Sunlight. A gentle summer’s breeze. He was late, she was already there. Her back was to him and she hadn’t noticed his arrival. Slowly walking down the golden grassed slope, he tried not to alert her. Three more steps. Two.
“Jake!” his heart soared as she realized he was there, and turned towards him. Her smile was beautiful. Her eyes were beautiful. She was beautiful.

“I wasn’t sure you were going to make it today.” she whispered, as he settled himself in the grass next to her.

“And you still came? Silly girl.” he rebuked her lightly, but she ignored him and rested her head against his shoulder.

“How did it go today?”

She straightened and looked away from him.

“Bre?”

She sighed. “Not good. Like always.” he could hear the fear and frustration, she tried so hard to hide, in her voice.

“What did they say?”

“Maybe a month, if I’m lucky.”

Fear raced through him, but he didn’t let it show. He had to be strong, like her.

“Bre,” he took her delicate chin in his hand, and forced her blue eyes to meet his. “Don’t think about what they say. They’ve been wrong before.”

She lowered her gaze, pulling away from him. He felt his heart breaking. It was like there was an invisible wall between them. She was in so much pain, and even though he was right next to her, there was nothing he could do to help her.
He laid back hard in the grass, the feeling of defeat overtaking him. He wanted so badly to make everything alright for her and yet here he was, doing nothing at all.

“It’s alright Jake. I’m ok with this.”

He scoffed. No she wasn’t. He knew she was scared, she was absolutely terrified and here she was, lying through her teeth, to try and comfort him.

“Jake.”

He looked up at her sitting next to him. She was all he had. Right there in that second, her life ticking away, he wanted more then anything to tell her how he felt but knew mere words could never convey his feelings.

“Please believe me. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, or how bad things get, know that I’ll never forget this time we have together, I never forget us, and I’ll never forget you.”

He couldn’t meet her eyes. It took every ounce of willpower he possessed not to just break down right then and there.

“I want to thank you Jake, for giving me this. These memories, and this time together. . . when I’m with you I don’t feel sick anymore. I don’t feel scared and I feel like I can do anything. Like the only thing that matters is us, and I can just forget that everything else exists, I can forget what everyone keeps telling me. Here with you, I have all the time in the world.”

She was so strong and so brave. He didn’t care anymore, he felt relief as he finally freed the tears.

“Please don’t cry Jake.” she brushed the water from his cheeks. “All we need, we have right here, in this beautiful garden.”

He laughed. The feeble wild flowers surrounding them, and the golden grass could hardly be considered a garden. He was always amazed at how gentle, sweet and kind a presence such a pained filled person could have. How was it that she could always see the cup half full, when her cup was running on empty? No person with her spirit should ever have to go through the torment she lived daily.

“Jake, you’re thinking too much. You need to just relax, and waste some time.” she laid back, and once again rested her head on his shoulder.

He met her eyes, looking long and hard until they were all he could see, and realized that all he was or ever had been, was reflected in those brimming pools of blue. Drowning, he didn’t know how, but he knew that no matter what, not even if she died, his feelings for this beautiful girl, would never change.

“Thank you Jake,” she whispered. “Goodbye.”

Rain. Drenched clothing hung to him, and his tears mixed with the water streaming down his face, dripping from his hair. He walked forward, up the slope. Three more steps. Two.

“Jake!”

Spoiler! :
Ok, this story was written based on the song 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol here are the lyrics:

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I hope you like it.
Last edited by ZannaShepherd on Sun Sep 11, 2011 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna
  





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Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:14 pm
DSF6647 says...



What was the point, it wasn’t like she was there.


I almost feel like you should make his into two sentences. Just my opinion, but I think it would flow better if you said, “What was the point? It wasn’t like she was there.” Or something like that.

Once free of the cell, he fled the prison and his mind blank he didn’t stop.


This sentence confused me. Especially the part that is in bold. Did he “blank” his mind so he didn’t have to think about her? I’m honestly just not sure what you were trying to convey with this.

The sharp sting of rain and loud blaring of car horns did nothing to stop him, as his feet carried him across the asphalt and to the railroad tracks.


I don’t think the comma is needed, it feels like an unnecessary pause. Maybe do a period and just say, “His feet carried him…” or something like that.

“Bre,” he took her delicate chin in his hand, and forced her blue eyes to meet his. “Don’t think about what they say. They’ve been wrong before.”


I liked this sentence, especially her “delicate chin”. Puts a good picture in my mind, well done.

He laid back hard in the grass, the feeling of defeat overtaking him.


Personally I don’t like the word “hard”. Sounds odd here. If you want to imply that he is frustrated and is showing it in his movements try something like, “He threw himself back into the grass…” or something to that affect.

He didn’t care anymore, he felt relief as he finally freed the tears.


I like that you said he “freed” the tears. The whole picture of him holding them captive so she wouldn’t see his weakness appeals to me. I like it

was reflected in those brimming pool of blue


Pool should be plural since she has 2 eyes.


So I liked it! Good job. Some of the things above are just my opinion so feel free to ignore or take what I said. the characters were good but not super deep in my opinion. I mean you were going off of a song, but they were kind of basic, and two dimensional in my opinion. I would have liked for you to explore how Jake was feeling a bit more. I mean he was guilty and felt helpless, but don't we all in such situations. What else was he feeling? MORE!

Hahaha that is just me thought. You have a great start here. keep it up :)
  





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Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:46 am
hoagie28 says...



Well first of all I love the song, and I think you did it justice with this piece. At first I wasn't sure it fit with what I imagined the song to be about, but I really liked your interpretation in the end. It's very beautiful. I could feel a little of that almost-crying feeling, actually. You only had a few misspellings which is great as well. Overall great job :D
just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...
  





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Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:21 am
danielle17 says...



[quote][Rain. Drenched clothing hung to him, and his tears mixed with the water streaming down his face, dripping from his hair. He walked forward, up the slope./quote]

you really feel the emotion here. its not the most detailed part so I dont know why...you just get this sense of emotion. I really liked the story and you picked a beautiful song to base it on though I can't really see how its based on the song for now. keep up the good work. You have a great talent, seriously.
Danielle
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 11:16 am
Metalmauzen says...



you just gained a fan. I remembered your mermaid-story and I'm checking some more out now. I don't know if I am going to review them all. Maybe a couple, maybe none. Just so you know, someone is checking out your stories.

;)
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