Young Writers Society

"Where were you last night?"

His voice was low, his tone threatening in every way. I watched him carefully, studying every inch of him in that moment of complete silence. His grip on the steering wheel tightened, draining the remaining blood from his already pale knuckles. The thick, bulging vein in his forehead pulsed almost rhythmically as he clenched his teeth and stared out at the slick, gloomy road ahead of us.

"I already told you, baby. I was at my parent's house for dinner," I replied as calmly as I could.

His anger spiked noticeably as he withdrew a hand from the steering wheel and smacked the dashboard with a considerable amount of force. I flinched, the noise reverberating in my sensitive ears. I tore my gaze away from him, pressing my forehead against the cold glass of the window with a sigh.

"Don't you lie to me, bitch!" he snarled, roughly grabbing my forearm.

I could feel his dull fingernails digging into my bare flesh, but I didn't dare push his hand away. He kept his grip on me, increasing the amount of pressure he dealt for each moment of my silence. I wondered just how far he would go this time. Would he snap my bone with a sickening ease? Or would he simply draw blood and pull away? I had endured it all before. The broken bones, the bruises, the cuts.

"I'm not lying."

I spoke slowly and refrained from raising my voice. Even the slightest hint of defiance would only infuriate him further. I could feel his heated gaze boring holes into the back of my head; it was obvious that he didn't believe a word that fell from my lips. His hand relaxed its hold on me and pulled away. I exhaled sluggishly and quietly, relief flooding through me. I was a fool to think he was done with me.

In an instant, his fingers were tangled in my hair, yanking my entire skull awkwardly to the side. I let out a pained gasp, shock eminent on my face. I was sure that the force of the pull had extracted at least a small chunk of my hair. My suspicion was confirmed when he removed his hand with a fistful of my auburn locks. Anger flared from deep within me, a reaction that was not common for me in these situations. It took me but a single moment to make the biggest decision of my life.

"Pull over here. I am done with this shit you call a relationship," I spat the command, my hand already grabbing the door handle firmly.

"You aren't going anywhere," he growled in response, sounding far more vicious than I could have ever imagined. What had I gotten myself into? I felt tears welling up in my eyes, threatening to spill over onto my unblemished cheeks.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't let you keep doing this to me. I deserve better.." I sobbed, my body shaking with each sharp intake of breath. I glanced over at him, expecting to see him prepared for another assault on me. But that wasn't what I saw. He looked calm, at ease. There was a certain unfamiliar contentment to him.

"We are going to be together forever. Forever, my love."

He flashed me a smile before letting go of the steering wheel. The car swerved. The headlights of an oncoming vehicle blinded me as I screamed, my hands reaching out to grab hold of the wheel. My efforts were futile. In that moment, everything went black.

Hi there!
So I know you said in your spoiler that you wanted this story to be torn apart, but I need to say that I really, really enjoyed this. The beginning drew me in flawlessly; I think dialogue is one of the best ways to open a story- it can really set the mood, and you did just that.
Throughout you used excellent imagery and everything was described well- nothing seemed hazy or out of place.
I think this story is well written and I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors, so good on you!
Keep writing ,
-Briggsy

Hi there.

So I just finished reading your story, and there were a couple things I wanted to make a point to mentioning to you. I read your spoiler at the beginning, so I'm a little glad I at least had an idea what to watch out for. You've gone and made my job so much easier by being open to honest critique, and so honest critique is precisely what I've come to give.

First off I suppose, I took strong notice to the content of your story. Domestic abuse and all that can be a pretty sticky subject to write about due to the severity of the content. You can do so much with it obviously, but it's also easy to flounder in the realism of your scenes. I have one thing to point out here:

My suspicion was confirmed when he removed his hand with a fistful of my auburn locks. Anger flared from deep within me, a reaction that was not common for me in these situations.

This is a bit sad. It shows that she's indeed very use to the way her boyfriend treats her. The fact that she's all of a sudden through with how he's treating her in this exact moment though didn't quite do it for me. It seemed a bit too abrupt as your character orders the guy to pull over. How she's through with the way he treats her so suddenly. What you have to remember is that this is only a short excerpt of some larger scene, some larger story that which you've painted into the compact size of a short story. We aren't aware as readers the history of these two characters, therefore it means less to us what happens to them and how they're affected by the situations of what is going on. You want to strive to be realistic in this case, not too over-dramatic.

I think the way in which you ended this showed the very controlling psychological side to the male character. Though, it could probably use a little smoothing out around the edges. I also have a few nit-picky things I wanted to go ahead and point out to you really quickly.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, threatening to spill over onto my unblemished cheeks.

It sounds a bit awkward when you say 'unblemished cheeks'. Perhaps you could switch this out with something a little less awkward.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't let you keep doing this to me. I deserve better(,)" I sobbed,

"We are going to be together forever. Forever, my love."

This piece of dialogue here sounds a bit stiff. I'd definitely like to see it altered into something I can easily imagine being said through an actual person in real life. But that's about it for the little things I think.

Overall, you have a nice concept and a good scene going on here. The ending was very dramatic and I have no doubt that it'll catch other reader's attention. It could probably use a little smoothing around the edges here and there, but it's a wonderful first draft and definitely holds its own in a way. Hope anything I might have mentioned through the length of my review might be of some help to you. :]

-Smylin'

You despise it? Why? You must have a reason.

his tone threatening in every way

Delete this. "His voice was low" is enough to draw me in - don't fill it in with implicit detail.

in that moment of complete silence

Same with this. I won't go through it all in this way, but what you should be doing is getting rid of every bit of writing that doesn't contribute to the story. Think of it as flab - you don't want it and you don't need it! That way, the story will be crisper and tidier with that gradual suspense.

I'm mentioning this because I feel that there's room for some wonderful character development and tension in this very short piece, because it begins well - but a combination of unnecessary phrases and slow-paced rhetorical questions really undermines the rhythm of the story. A great (or rather terrible) example would be this:

Would he snap my bone with a sickening ease? Or would he simply draw blood and pull away? I had endured it all before. The broken bones, the bruises, the cuts.

Why not just leave it as "...how far he would do this time."? There's so much weighted on that sentence. Don't ruin it! By not explaining that it had happened before, the character is shows herself to be apathetic and fearless without the need to explain it.

The same with the ending - I really liked it! But it could be better. This story could be told in perhaps a two thirds of the words you use here, and the character development would be even stronger. Your dialogue is great, but the speech tags are unnecessary: for example "he growled in response, sounding far more vicious than I could have ever imagined. What had I gotten myself into?" adds nothing to the story. It takes away all the power from what he says.

Power, there's an interesting word. The ending could be far more powerful. Right now, it feels sudden, which is good, but not sudden enough. So shock us. Show her being beaten, the gradual surfacing of her emotional distress. And then they crash. Then we'll feel that the story was written for a reason and that we can sympathise with the main character. Of course, you could choose to ignore this.

So, in short: good, but not great! Strengthen the story by keeping the story sharp.

I hope that made sense! Let me know if you rewrite this.
-Mark

Wow! So much emotion, I loved it. Your language and speechi s perfect, not using to much is really good. Il ove how we have no idea of the out come untill the end. Your characters are really strong. Remeber to allways follow what you've done here and you'll be onto a winner!