Young Writers Society

It was winter.Everything covered in snow and ice.I was laying on my bed,looking outside.I knew it was late at nite,because I could hear Kyle,my brother, snoring.It was a full moon that December night.I was thinking about one thing. Andy,the guy I have loved forever,that had left just days ago on a trip.He wouldn't say what the trip was for or about.I trusted him when he said he would be back.So now I just had to wait.On the tall,pale,black haired guy that I would go to the ends of time to stay with.

Some how, I fell asleep thinking about him.I even dreamed about him.The dream was so life like though.Us standind in a field,snow falling,us taking long,lingering kisses.Then I woke up,Kyle was standing over me asking me if I was okay.I looked up at his green eyes gazeing down at me."No",I answerd.He sat down beside me."You woke me up by saying Andy every two seconds",he said pushing my black hair out of my face.I closed my eyes,trying to rememer the way he looked.Then I remembered something strange,he had black angel wings.I couldn't understand why though.

A few days later I had the same dream,but Andy told me something."I'm coming Karrie.I'll be home tomorrow,promise.",he said over & over.So that morning I waited at my window,pressing my face against the ice,cold glass.I sat there like that for ten min. watching the small number of cars drive by.Then behind me I hear his voice."Did you miss me?",he ask smileing with his arms out wide.I stood up & nodded,running into his arms."I missed you so much.",I said with my eyes closed tight.He laughed,as he picked me up."Come on I need to tell you something",he said slideing me into his black Dogde Charger.

We pulled up to this field covered in snow.We walked out into it.He took his arms & put them around my waist,pulling me close.I put mine around his neck.We stood there kissing for a few min.We walked back to the car & sat on the hood."That thing I wanted to tell is the reason I leave on the trips',he started,"I'm not exactly mortal".I looked at him,not sure were this was going."Well I'll just come out & say it.I'm an angel,but a fallen one.I have done alittle wrong & I have to leave to these meetings about what I will choose.My options are Become mortal again so I can stay with you,or make you a fallen angel like me so we can be together."

I looked down.I always knew I would never be normal.Ever."Is this real?", I ask as he nodded.I thought for a min.,then Andy stood up."What some proof?",he ask."Sure",I said looking at him.The next thing I knew he had the black wings."I wasn't joking",he said as I nodded.I stood up & said,"I don't care.I will always love you,& always want to be by your side.Forever."He smiled at me,& ask which one I liked better."I like the idea of liveing forever with you.so Fallen Angel",I answered.So I became a Fallen Angel. (;;' ';;)

Hi!

Right, so far, everything was fine except for the spacing. After every comma, fullstop, or quotation marks, leave some space. It becomes easier to read, really. Now, when someone starts/finishes talking, start a new line! Like, take this for example:

ImmortalErica wrote:Then I woke up,Kyle was standing over me asking me if I was okay.I looked up at his green eyes gazeing down at me."No",I answerd.He sat down beside me."You woke me up by saying Andy every two seconds",he said pushing my black hair out of my face.I closed my eyes,trying to rememer the way he looked.

This is how it should be done:

TwistedMuffins wrote:Then I woke up,Kyle was standing over me asking me if I was okay.I looked up at his green eyes gazeing down at me.

"No", I answered. He sat down beside me.
"You woke me up by saying Andy every two seconds" he said stroking stroking seems more appropriate. my black hair. I closed my eyes,trying to rememer the way he looked

Yeah?

"Come on I need to tell you something",

Comma between "on" and "I"

"Did you miss me?",he ask smileing with his arms out wide

Smiling* not smileing.

liveing forever

Living*

."That thing I wanted to tell is the reason I leave on the trips',he started,"I'm not exactly mortal".I looked at him,not sure were this was going."Well I'll just come out & say it.I'm an angel,but a fallen one.I have done alittle wrong & I have to leave to these meetings about what I will choose.My options are Become mortal again so I can stay with you,or make you a fallen angel like me so we can be together."

That came out to fast. Try saying that he was hesitating, biting his lip. Also, mention that they were walking, instead of sitting on the hood of the car. So, when he does tell her he is an angel, he can stop, hold her hand and say it.

The next part: Her reaction was just like, "Okay, so?". No! It should be like she is suprised, shocked, and confused. Make her laughed at first, thinking that he was joking. Do something like that.

Also, you need some... feeling in this. It was almost like :- She loves him. He goes on trips. Does not tell her. Comes back. Tells her why he goes on trip. Reveals he is an angel. She becomes angel. End.

Seriously! Have I not told your entire story, literally every detail in 7-8 lines? I should not be able to do that. There needs to be more juice in it. More feeling.

Hope it helped. If you need anything, you know where to find me!

-TMuffs.

Heeyy Erica!

I'm wondering...is this really a short story? Or will you turn this into a novel, and have this be the first chapter? This would be a fine first chapter to something, because in the second chapter, you would probably talk about how she became a fallen angel. But since this is in the Short Story category, I think you should expand this piece's ending more. It went too fast.

How did she become a falling angel? Was there any intense ritual she had to go through to become one? What are fallen angels? They sound cool...but we don't really know what they are. Also, the MC seemed too quick to decide that she wanted to become a fallen angel, without knowing anything about them. Doesn't being a 'fallen angel' sound scary to her? Her boyfriend didn't seem afraid or nervous to tell her that he wasn't even a human, either. I would think that this whole part would have been a bigger deal for both of the characters.

Also, some parts of this story were a little bit confusing. For example, she wakes up with him standing right next to her in the beginning of the story, but he left a few days ago. O_O Wat?

Overall, this definitely needs some work, but this has potential! I think it would be great if you expanded this, and, as Muffin said, added more emotion and details to make this interesting to read.

Hope I helped, and keep on writing-

Kae