Young Writers Society

I stare down the word friends and underline it in furry. I know were only supposed to be friends but i have more feelings for him than he knows. I hate how much my heart wants him, even though i act like I don't. His face plays over and over again in my head. His crystal blue eyes that sparkle a little more when he smiles, his golden brown hair that flips over his eyes in a mysterious way, his cute button nose that crinkles as he laughs, his rosie red cheeks that turn bright red when I laugh at his lame jokes, his light pink lips that are always turned into a smile, his laugh that makes me laugh even harder, this kid makes me high every minute im with him. Tears run down my cheeks like razor blades while I look at the picture of her in his arms. It tears me apart knowing that he has feelings for her and not me. I feel as if shes better than me in every way. I walk to my dresser with tears running down my face onto the floor and pull open the top drawer. I get out the pocket knife i found in his locker a while ago and set it on my pillow. I sit down on my bed, pull out a pen and paper and write a note:
"Hayden, Yeah were friends but one thing you dont know is that i love you more than anything in the world. I wish i was in your arms and not her. I wish i could be the one to be on the other end of the text messages you send. I wish i could hear you say my name with love in your voice. But i know that will never happen because were just friends and nothing more. So now i guess we dont even have to see each other anymore because i cant take the heart break! Im sorry for ever bothering you."
Then i pull my sleeve back and cut the words "nothing more" with his knife. I lay on my bed thinking about his voice. Then all of a sudden my cell phone goes off, its his ring tone. I hesitate but answer it any ways. He tells me that he knows theres something between us stronger than friendship and that he doesnt want to be just friends... but much more. I start to cry and he asks whats wrong. Then everything goes black and now i wish i would have never taken my life.
A few hours later Hayden shows up at this young girls house. He rings the door bell a few times with no answer. So he goes around the back and the doors unlocked. He walks in and runs up to her room. He opens her door and comes to see the girl he loves on the floor in a puddle of blood with a note next to her. He falls to the ground next to her and cries. While he was crying he found the note, and he read it! He stared at the girl on the floor and wrapped his arms around her, said her name with love in his voice, texted her that he loved her, and kissed her on the cheek. He now looked at her arm and noticed that she wrote "nothing more"! He thought to himself and grabbed the knife in her hand and started to cut his own wrist. He placed her on his chest and laied with her un till he died. When the girls parents got home they went up stairs to kiss their daughter goodnight. But instead found their daughter and her best friend laying dead in a pool of blood on her floor. They both cried, read the note, and read both of their arms. Her arm saying "nothing more" his arm saying "always love".

Hello,
Welcome to YWS; I encourage you to go and start reviewin others work Let me start by reviewing yours:

I know were only supposed to be friends but i have more feelings for him than he knows.

The I should be capitalized in this sentence, and there needs to be a comma after friends because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I hate how much my heart wants him, even though i act like I don't.

The word I always needs to be capitalized.

this kid makes me high every minute im with him.

I'm should be punctuated like this: I'm.

Tears run down my cheeks like razor blades while I look at the picture of her in his arms.

There needs to be a comma after blades because there is a natural pause there.

It tears me apart knowing that he has feelings for her and not me.

A part isn't one word. That's what microsoft word says.

I get out the pocket knife i found in his locker a while ago and set it on my pillow.

The I needs to be capitalized in this sentence. How did she find it in his locker? Was she stalking him? What is the point of putting the knife on the pillow then sitting down and writing him a note?

I sit down on my bed, pull out a pen and paper and write a note:

"Hayden, Yeah were friends but one thing you dont know is that i love you more than anything in the world.

The y in yeah needs to be lowercase. There needs to be an apostrophe in We're. There needs to be a comma after friends because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but. Don't needs an apostrophe in it. The word I is always capitalized.

I wish i was in your arms and not her.

I needs to be capitalized.

I wish i could be the one to be on the other end of the text messages you send.

The I needs to be capitalized.

I wish i could hear you say my name with love in your voice. But i know that will never happen because were just friends and nothing more.

Capitalize the word I. Replace the period after voice with a comma andlower case the b in but. Never start a sentence with a conjunction (for, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So)

So now i guess we dont even have to see each other anymore because i cant take the heart break!

Take away the word so from the beginning of this sentence. Capitalize the word I! There needs to be an apostrophe in can't.

Im sorry for ever bothering you."

There needs to be an apostrophe in the word I'm

Then i pull my sleeve back and cut the words "nothing more" with his knife.

This is a little extreme, and a bit cliche. Nothing in the plot makes me feel sorry for your main character. right now I just think she's over exaggerating and being really whiney.
Capitalize the word I.

Then all of a sudden my cell phone goes off, its his ring tone.

Replace the comma with a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences. It's need an apostrophe in it. Then all of a sudden is the worst phrase you could put in a story; try to rearrange this sentence so that you don't have to do that.

He tells me that he knows theres something between us stronger than friendship and that he doesnt want to be just friends... but much more.

Why would he suddenly come to this conclusion at such a convinent time? And, if he had something important to say I feel like he would have told her in person adn not over the phone. Also, doesn't he have a girlfriend anyway?
There needs to be a comma after friendship because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and. There is no need for ... after friends take it out.

I start to cry and he asks whats wrong.

There needs to be a comma after cry because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Then everything goes black and now i wish i would have never taken my life.

Cutting into your arm won't kill you, and if it does it would take alot longer then the time it takes to write a letter and have a conversation on the phone.

He rings the door bell a few times with no answer. So he goes around the back and the doors unlocked.

Who leaves their doors unlocked? Door's needs an apostrophe. replace the period after answer with a comma and lower case the s in so.

texted her that he loved her,

Why would he text her if she was dead?

Personally, I think the whole ending needs to be redone because none of it makes a bit of sense. If you saw the girl you love in a puddle of blood you would call for an ambulance for her parents you wouldnt just stand there and cry. I mean he can be emotional but his reaction isnt very realistic. He saw her dead so he killed himself too? Plus, cutting into your arm will not kill you. Maybe think about this a little more and rewrite it. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Thanxx but no thanxx! and yes i dont capitalize my i's hahahahahah in yo face

Hello. I shall be your reviewer this fine day.

MsJassyD wrote:I stare down the word friends and underline it in furry. I know were only supposed to be friends but i have more feelings for him than he knows. I hate how much my heart wants him, even though i act like I don't. His face plays over and over again in my head. His crystal blue eyes that sparkle a little more when he smiles, his golden brown hair that flips over his eyes in a mysterious way, his cute button nose that crinkles as he laughs, his rosie red cheeks that turn bright red when I laugh at his lame jokes, his light pink lips that are always turned into a smile, his laugh that makes me laugh even harder, this kid makes me high every minute im with him. Tears run down my cheeks like razor blades while I look at the picture of her in his arms. It tears me apart knowing that he has feelings for her and not me. I feel as if shes better than me in every way. I walk to my dresser with tears running down my face onto the floor and pull open the top drawer. I get out the pocket knife i found in his locker a while ago and set it on my pillow. I sit down on my bed, pull out a pen and paper and write a note:
"Hayden, Yeah were friends but one thing you dont know is that i love you more than anything in the world. I wish i was in your arms and not her. I wish i could be the one to be on the other end of the text messages you send. I wish i could hear you say my name with love in your voice. But i know that will never happen because were just friends and nothing more. So now i guess we dont even have to see each other anymore because i cant take the heart break! Im sorry for ever bothering you."
Then i pull my sleeve back and cut the words "nothing more" with his knife. I lay on my bed thinking about his voice. Then all of a sudden my cell phone goes off, its his ring tone. I hesitate but answer it any ways. He tells me that he knows theres something between us stronger than friendship and that he doesnt want to be just friends... but much more. I start to cry and he asks whats wrong. Then everything goes black and now i wish i would have never taken my life.
A few hours later Hayden shows up at this young girls house. He rings the door bell a few times with no answer. So he goes around the back and the doors unlocked. He walks in and runs up to her room. He opens her door and comes to see the girl he loves on the floor in a puddle of blood with a note next to her. He falls to the ground next to her and cries. While he was crying he found the note, and he read it! He stared at the girl on the floor and wrapped his arms around her, said her name with love in his voice, texted her that he loved her, and kissed her on the cheek. He now looked at her arm and noticed that she wrote "nothing more"! He thought to himself and grabbed the knife in her hand and started to cut his own wrist. He placed her on his chest and laied with her un till he died. When the girls parents got home they went up stairs to kiss their daughter goodnight. But instead found their daughter and her best friend laying dead in a pool of blood on her floor. They both cried, read the note, and read both of their arms. Her arm saying "nothing more" his arm saying "always love".

Seeing as Rascalover already pointed out most of your grammar and what not I'll just review my points on the story and such.

Firstly I feel for the main character, but I do think you could of explained her just a little more(her looks and such for example). I also agree that it didn't seem very realistic. Try and but more feeling into it. Because just now it seems a little bland.

Hope this helps.

Oh one more thing

MsJassyD wrote:Thanxx but no thanxx! and yes i dont capitalize my i's hahahahahah in yo face

An attitude like this wouldn't get you very far. Try and become more open to what people are saying. It'll help you so much!