Young Writers Society

This is possibly the shortest short story I've ever written, but this is also the first abstract short story I've ever written. This is just my second post, so critique as harsh as you want! Any advice from making the imagery better to explaining the situation better without making it into a REAL novel or several pages longer is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading. :3

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The sky was black as night when he was waiting for her. The thunder rolled above him and throughout the town as lightning revealed the gray clouds that hid the stars. He hoped that their meeting would shed a faint light of hope in his darkest hours.
As the rain poured down, he soon realized that she would not be coming. He cursed her name in vain, the storm inside him flooding his eyes. Betrayed, he started to walk out of the shelter of the oak tree that had lines of age carved into the trunk. With the knife, he carved a misshapen heart in the tree. "Forever." He whispered as he finished carving her name inside the heart. No matter what she did to him, it would always end with him loving her, wanting her, longing for her. But this time it was clear she didn't want him.
He had to leave now; they would come looking for him. His head screamed, "Run!" but his heart whispered, "Stay." They had promised to run together, fugitives running from the law and away in love. "It's no use." The knife slowly moved up to his throat. He could not live without her, and he didn't want to watch her marry someone else from behind cold, heartless iron bars. The blade was warm despite the storm. As he pressed it harder against his skin, he only thought of her.
It finally broke the skin. His arm was tense, ready to leave this world, when he heard the sound of footsteps. It didn't register that he could have ended it there, killed himself and it be gone and done. Instincts controlled his limbs and caused a frantic panic in his brain. Rain blinded him and his legs strained as they tried to get a head start against the guards. Someone caught his arm and he thought it was the end of him. He was spun around so that he crashed into his chaser. It wasn't an awful one though. His lips met something soft and he was held. He knew immediately, but he had to make sure. He jerked back and smiled.
She came, and she was smiling back.

I don't see any grammar mistakes (but I think my mind may have went numb after editing for a friend) or punctuatio/capitalization so I think we can skip the nitpicking.

I love the story! The beginning seemed a bit rough, kind of like the sentences don't really flow, but that may have been the way I read it. I like how short it is; I wish I could write something so short without it looking rushed and cut off.

I really like how you didn't describe the past a lot, not that doing it is a bad thing, but sometimes it's nice to, instead of filling in the blank spots, coming up with everything but the present.

Good work.

Hey there!

For starters, your opening 5 words: "The sky was black as night...." To me this puzzled me and I had to stop immediately and begin writing...What I'm writing now...I don't think it fits in my opinion. It made me think. "The sky is as black as night...Because it's night..Duh."

But anyway. The bit where he carves her name into the wood I instantly think of Pinocchio and my mind turns that instead of the story at hand. But I like this story, it shows just how much the person truly loved this unnamed individual. So I reckon I read over this and make a few changes if you see fit and also elaborate a bit more.

I hope you keep writing, and never be afraid to try new ideas. Doesn't matter how crazy they may be, just go for it!

~ T.K

Hey there!
Your story is great, and very emotional, which is what you were aiming at, so good job on that part!
Unfortunately, I feel like I was missing some background and it confused me.
I feel like I can explain myself better if I quote your story directly. Let me just break this down for you here:

The sky was black as night when he was waiting for her. The thunder rolled above him and throughout the town as lightning revealed the gray clouds that hid the stars. He hoped that their meeting would shed a faint light of hope in his darkest hours.

Okay. From reading this I know that it is storming outside, and MC is awaiting the arrival of HER. The problem is, I'm not sure at all how HIM and HER are related. Obviously he has feelings for her, but what is their story? I want to have at least some hint to this right off. Subtlety would work, just sort of hinting at what their past is together, but not saying it outright.

As the rain poured down, he soon realized that she would not be coming. He cursed her name in vain, the storm inside him flooding his eyes. Betrayed, he started to walk out of the shelter of the oak tree that had lines of age carved into the trunk. With the knife, he carved a misshapen heart in the tree. "Forever." He whispered as he finished carving her name inside the heart. No matter what she did to him, it would always end with him loving her, wanting her, longing for her. But this time it was clear she didn't want him.

This is really good! I like how you experience the emotions MC's feeling right then. And this continues on:

He had to leave now; they would come looking for him. His head screamed, "Run!" but his heart whispered, "Stay." They had promised to run together, fugitives running from the law and away in love. "It's no use." The knife slowly moved up to his throat. He could not live without her, and he didn't want to watch her marry someone else from behind cold, heartless iron bars. The blade was warm despite the storm. As he pressed it harder against his skin, he only thought of her.

This is really the most tense moment of the story. It's a wonderful turning point that leaves the reader wanting to find out what happens next. Is he going to go through with it? At this point, you're emotionally attached to MC, which is good!

It finally broke the skin. His arm was tense, ready to leave this world, when he heard the sound of footsteps.

This is really great. You make the reader think that he's going to end it, but wait--what's that? Something stops him, and the reader breathes a sigh of relief. Way to hold the tension and suspense until the very last second. Wonderfully done.

It didn't register that he could have ended it there, killed himself and it be gone and done. Instincts controlled his limbs and caused a frantic panic in his brain. Rain blinded him and his legs strained as they tried to get a head start against the guards. Someone caught his arm and he thought it was the end of him. He was spun around so that he crashed into his chaser. It wasn't an awful one though. His lips met something soft and he was held. He knew immediately, but he had to make sure. He jerked back and smiled.
She came, and she was smiling back.

And the ending is just as great. Happy endings are good, especially when the MC has sunk about as low as he can get.
Wonderfully written! Just those few suggestions and it'll be that much better!
Keep writing!
~Devan

The sky was black as night when he was waiting for her.

Black as night is cliche, it is also a poor image considering you are talking about night time, are you not? Change it.

The thunder rolled above him and throughout the town as lightning revealed the gray clouds that hid the stars. He hoped that their meeting would shed a faint light of hope in his darkest hours.

Try not to repeat yourself. One thing that is emerging already is the repetition of darkness. Not just the word but the setting, we know it is dark, we have a sense of eerie, somethings-about-to-happen, tension. Stop harping on.

No matter what she did to him, it would always end with him loving her, wanting her, longing for her. But this time it was clear she didn't want him.

This is better, a touch of foreshadowing, and backstory. Nice. Now we are getting somewhere!

He had to leave now; they would come looking for him. His head screamed, "Run!" but his heart whispered, "Stay." They had promised to run together, fugitives running from the law and away in love. "It's no use." The knife slowly moved up to his throat. He could not live without her, and he didn't want to watch her marry someone else from behind cold, heartless iron bars.

Count how many times you use the pronoun 'He' (or a derivitive of said pronoun, him, his etc.) Now remember what I said about repetition. You need to change this because it makes for tough monotonous reading. When writing you need to find a way to keep the story ticking along without these little distractions causing the reader to pause, and lose focus.

Someone caught his arm and he thought it was the end of him. He was spun around so that he crashed into his chaser. It wasn't an awful one though. His lips met something soft and he was held. He knew immediately, but he had to make sure. He jerked back and smiled.
She came, and she was smiling back.

Okay I'm going to be harsh. What exactly did you want to say with this? Did you want to convey an idea, or did you just have a poetic, unrealistic, teen-angst scene you wanted to write? Don't get me wrong, you have a knack for describing an ominous dark scene, but you need to drive home a point, a theme as they say. You need to have something that resounds and stays with the reader. It isn't bad, but it can be much better, it's a scene, not a story, not yet.

Hope that helps, any questions PM me.

JP