Young Writers Society

"Yay math!" said Melody with excitement. When she saw Ava she hugged her in a friendly manner, trying to avoid getting in other people's way.

"Yay!" Ava Said in a sarcastic voice. "I have ELA," she said mockingly.

Olivia cut in cheerily. "Hey Girlies!"

"Meh!" Ava and Melody huffed, followed by a sigh from Olivia.

"Wow.... OK, guess who I'm dating!" said Olivia out of the blue.

"I don't know.... I gotta go to math.... bye girlies!" said Melody.

"Lemme guess... the football players you haven't slept with yet... so there is 50 or so of them so.... Tony?" said Ava.

" No! I slept with him already." Said Liv.

"Oh... then I don't know... " SLUT thought Ava

"Sam!"

"Oh, Sam our Second Grade crush?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, OK! I gotta go to ela bye! "

"Bye!"

"Sam? Sam!" Liv said excitedly.

"Hey Babe." Sam says, while he kisses her. He loved kissing her, when he still could....

" Lets go! " Liv said.

" Wait... I have a important question for you." Said Sam.

"What? Ask away unless its an 'I wanna break up' ques......" He put his finger to her mouth to shush her.

"Shh..... Babe, do you wanna go to a haunted house with me?"

" I don't know.... will there be clowns?" I'm terrified of those things, thought Liv.

" Babe, I'll be with you." Forever, thought Sam.

"OK. I'll tell Mel and Ava to find dates."

"OK."


* Chapter 1:

*



At lunch Melody, Liv, Ava, And Sam sat together.

"OK, so Melody... What's your boyfriend's name again... I forgot..." Liv asked,

" His name is Mason.... Melody and Mason? Easy to remember...." Said Melody. Yet again you probably don't understand... outta all those boys you screwed you cant comprehend anymore names thought Melody

" Oh yea... So would you and him like to come to a haunted house with me and Sam?'

" Sure." Said Melody.

" And you Ava, " said Liv suspiciously, " Who's your new beau?"

"I don't have one.... " Said Ava.

" What about that Cute Aaron you keep talkin' to?"

" Oh him? He's just a friend..."

" Thats what I said about Sam"

" Well, I'm not you and he's not Sam."

"Well, ask him to come and maybe you can just go as buddies." Ava rolled her eyes.

"OK, sure." Said Ava.

"Good." Said Liv.

"Now a time and date?" Said Sam.

"Um..." Said Liv, " hows bout Halloween at 8pm so we can go to, like, a restaurant afterward."

"Perfect!" Said Melody, Ava, and Sam.

"Ok, now I'm gonna go.... so I can ask Mason" said Melody.

"Yea, I'll go ask Aaron..." Said Ava.

"Then bye Girlies! " Said Liv.

CHAPTER 2:

Melody walked up to Mason and kissed him. The teacher saw. She just smiled and walked away.

"Hey bumblebee." Said Mason.

"Hey bee of the bumble." Said Melody.

"Ha, you're cute." Said Mason.

"Thanks. Now I was wondering if you could like.... hmm....."

"What is it Bumblebee?"

" Well, would you wanna go to this haunted house on Saturday?"

" Well it's Thursday, so can I have the weekend to think?....Just kiddin babe! yes, of course!! What time?"

"At 8pm sharp." Melody said.

"OK babe, I'll be there for sure.

"Good."

" Now Tomorrow night?"

" Huh?"

"Our 6th monthaversary... " Said Mason.

" I know, I just wanted to make sure you knew." said Melody.

"Ha?"

"Yeah, sure." Said Melody.

"OK, well I gotta run to Earth Science." Said Mason while he kissed Melody goodbye.

" Babe?" Said Melody.

"Yeah Bumblebee?"

" I ... love... you..." said Melody.

" I love you too, Bumblebee." said Mason.

Chapter 3:

"Hey Aaron." said Ava.

"Hey Ava." said Aaron a flirty voice.

" I was wondering..." said Ava.

" What?" said Aaron.

" If you wanted to go to a haunted house with... me?" Asked Ava.

"Yes... wait... when and where? " Asked Aaron.

" Um.... Halloween at 8pm, at a haunted house. I don't know where.... but we're all driving together."

"Sounds fun" Said Aaron.

" Good I'll see you there" Said Ava

"Good, I love your glasses." Said Aaron complimenting Ava.

" Really? I don't."

"Yeah, they look good."

" Thanks, I love your hair! Is it emo or Beiber fever?"

" I dunno... but I have to admit it's awesome." Aaron said to Ava. Ava laughed.

" Hah." said Ava, smiling. " I cant wait to see you, then."

" It's a date....." said Aaron quietly and flirty.

" Huh? Did you say something?" asked Ava.

" Nothing," said Aaron. "Nothing at all..."

"OK, then, I'll see you then. Bye!" said Ava waving bye.

" Bye Beautiful...." Said Aaron.

" Huh?"

"Bye. "

" Oh, OK. Bye Aaron." Said Ava while walking to her bus.

"She's beautiful." Thought Aaron while he walked to his bus.

" Dude.... What the..." Said Sam.

" What?" asked Aaron.

"Are you watching... Ava walk away?" Asked Sam.

" What me? No!" Said Aaron.

"Oooooooooooooh." said Sam " You like her! " Sam said in a teasing voice.

" Pfft."

" Just ask her out."

" I can't."

"Why?" asked Sam.

" What if she says no!" said Aaron. " It would ruin our friendship..."

" Dude... she looks at you like you look at her! She likes you also..." Said Sam in an encouraging voice to get Aaron to ask out Ava.

" Realy? " asked Aaron in a surprised voice.

"yeah dude... your names even go together."

" Aaron, Ava, Aaron,Ava... your right!"

"Yeah dude... just go for it... ask her out."

"OK, I will! I'll ask her out.... tomorrow morning."

" OK. " said Sam.

"Now I gotta get to Biology... so ... bye!" said Aaron.

" Bye, dude. And thanks." Said Aaron.


CHAPTER 4:

After Aaron got home the same night, he walked past his brother Liam right to his bedroom.

"Aaron? No 'hi'?" said Liam.

"Sweetie, come back" Said Liam's fiance Sharron.

Sharron was standing in the bedroom doorway with a sad look on her face. She was wearing sweatpants, a huge sweater, and crying. Why was she crying? thought Aaron. He had no time for small talk. He had to practice asking out Ava.

" One moment, Babe"

" Babe I think I need you now! More than that high school virgin!" Said Shannon angrily.

"OK! " Said Liam in a pissed off kinda voice.

Shannon, by now, was rushing Liam back into the bedroom. OMIGOD!!! What are they doing?! thought Aaron.

"Shut up!" Screamed Aaron out of anger. "You two be quiet"

Shannon had broken down by now. She was weeping. Very loudly. So loudly that Aaron could hear it in his room. His room was across the house.

"I don't know what my parents will say." Shannon said sadly to Liam.

"Sweetie, It'll be OK." Reassured Liam. " If we get sleep we can think about what to say to your parents in the morning."

" OK. " Said Shannon in a more calm voice.

Good, they're quiet thought Aaron.

This wasn't half bad. I was kind of expecting something mushy and just blech, but it was a pleasant surprise. I had a bit of trouble trying to find a flow with the sentence, they all seem rather choppy. Also, I'm terrible at this as well, but try to show don't tell. You seem to do a lot of that when you could expand some points and make the story even better. Maybe try to expand on some interactions instead of the heavy dialogue? That might make this fantastic. I hope you keep writing, and I look forward to seeing what you do with this and other works

Heya,
I was slightly disappointed with this, sorry, but it was only speaking! Where's the description? Where's the feeling? to me it's just a whole batch of conversations! I'm sorry but you really need to do something with this but conversations... where's the description of the characters? I couldn't imagine anything... Sorry but this is how I feel, work on it and I'll read it, hopefully it shall be slightly better.
Love,
Evenslily x

Sorry it took me so long to comment.

I'm going to do a full, harsh review instead of passively fixing grammar mistakes this time, so don't be mad at me after reading this. I warned you.

Remember to avoid using "Said *character*," it just looks wrong if you put the action before the character. After all, the point of speech tags is to let the reader know who said it- putting said before the character puts more stress on the fact that it was said.

Thoughts should be put in italics if third person.

Again, more description. Dialogue is important, but not as important as the surroundings and what's happening.
Remember to edit things a few times yourself before asking for reviews, it's more professionalish.

"OK, well I gotta run to Earth Science." Said Mason while he kissed Melody goodbye.

Just a thought, but would somebody actually say earth science? I'd think they'd say science. Like how instead of saying social studies, we say social. And I tell you I'm going to math, not Algebra 1 or Mathematics.

With Aaron + Ava and Melody + Mason- it gets a little confusing when two characters have names that start with the same letter, especially when you associate them with each other so heavily. Especially when you point it out in both cases.

Good, they're quiet thought Aaron.

That sentence just looks wrong. Maybe there should be another comma or period or something? Not sure, but something's definitely wrong here...

Uh... see you tomorrow? The story can go well. As long as I get to fix the grammar before you post it. xD