Young Writers Society

Only three hours were left for 12:00 AM. It was my ex-girl friend Priya’s birthday. She is married now. I just wanted to wish her. Lots of confusions were there in my mind. My inner voice questioned me and I answered for it.

'First of all why do you want to wish her?'
'Simple, I want her to be happy.'

'Do you think she loves you still?'
May be or may not be. But, that’s not important for me. I love her still.

'What kind of relationship you have with her? Is she a friend of you?'
No, she is not my friend. I can’t look her in that way and I don’t know why.

‘You know she is not yours, but still, why do you care about her?’
I already told you idiot, I still love her.

‘Okay fine. But, how will you wish her? Do you have any contact of her?’
I did not have answer for that question at that moment, because I deleted all her contact numbers, when I broke up with her. Immediately I rushed to my rack and started searching for my old sim cards, in which I have stored her number. I tried my table draws too, but nothing I found. I thought for awhile what to do.

I called my friends to get her contact number. Later I came to know that she is in US. Nobody knew her contact number.
‘Everything is against me,’ I thought.

Suddenly I have got an idea. I switched on my Internet. I logged into my gmail account and searched for her Email id.
And... “Yes, I found it! “
The time was 11:30PM.
I clicked on compose mail. The real problem started.
‘What should I type now?’
‘Okay let’s type like this’
“I always love you and care for you. I missed you so badly after you left me. I have come across many sleepless nights, because I always think about you. When I sleep, I dreamt of you. No one can replace you in my life. I hope you are happy somewhere. Wishing you happy birthday”

‘Wait wait wait.. She is married now. Don't you have sense?’
I deleted everything whatever I typed. Just two minutes were left for 12:00AM.
'Okay how about this?'
I may be far from you. But every time I close my eyes, I see you standing right beside me.'

'What if her husband sees this message?'
I deleted it again.
'Sorry for everything what I have done for you,' I typed.

'Come on man, it's her birthday. It's not the time to apologize.'
Finally, I typed just two words.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’

I clicked the send button and logged out immediately. I felt happy for wishing her.
‘At least she would know that I still remember her,’ I thought.
I slept peacefully that night, after many days. The next day I woke up late. I did not get time to check the mails. I went to office. The whole day I was busy in work and I came late night. I was very much eager to see her reply. I switched on my computer and logged into my gmail account. I have received a new mail. I went to my inbox and opened the mail.

It showed the message, “Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently,” followed by her Email address.

What a shocking ending! :O One thing I'd wish that it was mentioned in your story is what reason(s) that made them separate? Your story ending shows that Priya had deleted/blocked his account meaning that she didn't want to be contact with him anymore. Also, why the protagonist still loves his ex despite of the separation and deleting all her numbers before, why he wants to her to remember him? That makes your story quite mysterious and kinda saddens a curious reader (like me) who wishes to get all those questions answered through out the story.

Your story is written in a uniquely great style. The conversation between the protagonist and his inner voice is simple and shows the contradiction of thoughts of the man who wants to wish his ex a happy birthday and at the same time not wanting to ruin her marriage life.

I am surprised how your English and grammar is getting better and better. So well done with that!

One small thing:

It showed the message, “Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently,” followed by her e-mail address.

Great story, really enjoyed reading it.

Hey there Dhanshucool -- I saw you'd only got one review so far, and I thought I'd come along.

Story

Leaving technicalities aside for a moment, this is actually a really good story. I actually lol'd at the ending -- you had built up the suspense for that moment so well, I didn't expect it and so it was genuinely funny! As far as plot and action goes, this is a really effective piece. It'd be nice to see more on YWS with progressive conflict and a final resolution even in such a short work.

Flow

Unfortunately, as you probably realise, your weakness is in sentence structure and coherency. I don't know whether English is your first language (many apologies if it is!) but your written word is going to need a bit more work to bring it up to the level of your ideas. Being a writer is partly about plot and characters, but also about the technical act of writing itself. It's that latter part that you need to improve.

Unfortunately it's also the hardest thing to teach. The best thing I can suggest is to read a lot and read with your writer's glasses on. Take anything -- books, leaflets, magazines, or even other works on YWS! -- and read them to see how other writers string sentences together. Writing naturally is difficult, but it's a skill that you can pick up like any other.

I just wanted to wish her. Lots of confusions were there in my mind.

So just using this as an example. Usually we would write "I wanted to wish her a 'Happy Birthday'" or "I wanted to send her my wishes". With the next sentence we would usually write "I was confused" or "confusion filled my mind" or something like that.

I'm not telling you to copy other writers. But, when you read, try to see and hear the natural way to say things -- that's really the best way to go. I'm not going to flag up every moment of awkward sentence structure. If you go through and read this aloud yourself then I think you should manage to find a lot yourself.

Overall

As I said earlier, this is a great story! The ideas and the plot are brilliant. If you can bring your standard of writing in English up to your ability in the other two aspects then you'll be up and away! As I said before: read and write -- practice makes perfect.


Charlie

Hello there.

I'll quote the whole thing so it's easier for me to correct, and for you to see as a whole. the corrections will be in red, and the comments, in blue.

dhanshucool wrote:Only three hours were left for 12:00 AM. It was my ex-girl friend comma, Priya’s birthday. She was married now. I just wanted to wish her happy birthday. I was very confused as my inner voice questioned me and I answered for it.

First of all why do you want to send her your wishes? the voice said.

Simple, I want her to be happy, I replied.

Do you think she loves you still?

Maybe or maybe not. But, that’s not important for me. I love her still.

'What kind of relationship you have with her? Is she a friend of you?' If it's his conscious talking to him, I don't think such a question would be necessary since he would already know that. Maybe make him think about them being friends instead of asking the direct question.

No, she is not my friend. I can’t look her in that way and I don’t know why. Same thing here, make him realize he can't see her that way instead of just talking directly about the subject.

‘You know she is not yours, but still, why do you care about her?’

I already told you idiot, I still love her, I argued.

‘Okay fine. But, how will you wish her happy birthday? Do you have any way to contact of her?’

I did not have answer for that question at that moment, because I deleted all her contact numbers, when she ended our relationship. Technically, he didn't break up with her, but rather the other way around, right? Immediately I rushed to my rack and started searching for my old sim cards, in which I have stored her number. I tried my table drawers too, but I didn't find anything of the use. I thought for awhile on what to do.

I called my friends to get her contact number. Later I came to know that she was in US. Nobody knew her contact number.

‘Everything is against me,’ I thought. It's a direct thought, so it should be in italics.

Suddenly I had an idea. I switched on my Internet. I logged into my gmail account and searched for her Email ID.
And... “Yes, I found it!"
The time was 11:30PM.
I clicked on compose mail. The real problem started.
‘What should I type now?’
‘Okay let’s type like this’

I always love you and care for you. I missed you so badly after you left me. I have come across many sleepless nights, because I always think about you. When I sleep, I dreamt of you. No one can replace you in my life. I hope you are happy somewhere. Wishing you happy birthday I changed the font to make it more obvious that it was a text, and not someone talking.

Wait wait wait.. She is married now. Don't you have sense? The voice was making me second guess what I had written.

I deleted everything whatever I typed. Just two minutes were left before 12:00AM.

Okay how about this?

I may be far from you. But every time I close my eyes, I see you standing right beside me.

What if her husband sees this message?
I deleted it again.
Sorry for everything what I have done for you, I typed.

Come on man, it's her birthday. It's not the time to apologize.

Finally, I typed just two words.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I clicked the send button and logged out immediately. I felt happy for sending her my wishes.

At least she would know that I still remember her, I thought.

I slept peacefully that night, after many days. The next day I woke up late. I did not get time to check the mails. I went to my office. The whole day I was busy in work and I came back late at night. I was very much eager to see her reply. I switched on my computer and logged into my gmail account. I have received a new mail. I went to my inbox and opened it.

It showed the message, Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently, followed by her Email address.

Overall it's a great story, but I feel like you can still work on it. I agree with Charlie. Try and re-write this. It has a lot of potential, but I think the way you've written it is not the best.

I liked the internal conflict that was illustrated by the voice inside. It was great.

Keep writing!

-Other One