Young Writers Society

Did you ever realise that someone was watching you? From eight grade right til you graduated from high school. That person was me.
I wanted to tell you all that time, that I loved you but I could never find enough courage to confront you. Yes, I tried to write an anonymous letter, but did you know that at the same time you allowed your friends to read the letter to the whole class, you also broke my heart?
Do you ever wonder why I bother going to self-study class in the afternoons when I could go home and rest? Because I never actually pay attention to what is in front of me, I look out the window and I see you laughing amongst your friends, fooling around, playing basketball.
And that is enough to make me go to that self-study class every single day.
You would look at me like I was nothing, like I wasn’t important to you, like I was just someone who sat in the corner of your classroom. I knew that look, it was pity.
I heard stories of you breaking other people’s hearts, I heard all about you. I knew you could never like me, but when I first saw you, I knew that something bad was going to happen.
I was going to fall in love with you.
Did you know that the high school you went to was a two hour journey from my home? Did you know that you were the reason why I refused to change schools after I moved homes?
No, you didn’t. You didn’t know anything about me.
My whole high school life was about you,
But your life did not want to have anything to do with mine’s.
And as time passed on, I gradually accepted that and buried this secret within my heart, I hated you for making me fall in love with you and I want you to know that.
I longed for you to look at me, my eyes screaming out to you, but you chose to ignore me every single time.
I want you to know that although I have no idea where you are right now, or who you are with, my heart is open to you, as it has for the past five years.
I love you.

The format works fine, don't worry about that.
What you could improve is the pacing. Keeping the vocabulary simple is good, it fits the tone of the piece. However, if you perhaps integrate some effective dramatic repetition (Rule of Three!), perhaps beginning, having in the middle and then ending with "I love you" would give it some rounding and a bit of punch.
Actually, not only is the format fine, it is great. It really brings to mind the way that a person thinks to themselves when they are really thinking. Broken, yet connected sentences slowly engulfing the topic works well, as well as providing an emotional link between narrator and reader as this emphasizes in a way the strength of emotion involved.
Good work, just a little tidying and narration, rearranging a few sentences.

"But your life did not want to have anything to do with mine’s." How does a life want anything? Be specific about him. Not only that, mention it is a he, channeling some femininity into your message and putting in the basketball is enough to know, but is not really definite.

"And as time passed on, I gradually accepted that and buried this secret within my heart, I hated you for making me fall in love with you and I want you to know that." Break this up a little bit. Fill in some gaps in between the commas, add a full stop.

Stuff like that can easily be tinkered with, as to the rest: good work. Keep it up.

Well hi there!

First off, Sweethearts, I just want to say that I think that although this was very simply written and there wasn't much to the depth to the writing, it was indeed very kind and full of heart. This didn't so much feel like the story of a fictional character for some reason. There was something that was very genuine and honest about it that rang true in many ways. I could understand the speaker. And I think that when writing anything, this is a goal you strive to achieve always.

There were of course some things I didn't quite like when I read through this. I enjoy the simple approach, because you're yet a young writer and so it's always nice to see you play your fields where they're strongest, but I feel like maybe you could have been a little tighter with your words. Still keeping it simple but dressing up your language a bit. It's simple, and that's okay, but there's also some room for improvement and fluffing this up a little bit so that it reads off more interestingly.

Another thing I wanted to mention was proofreading! Yes, always proofread your work before posting. You may think it's okay and that whatever meager mistakes you've made can be picked up from your reviewers, but the fact of it is that when there are little grammatical and punctuational mistakes scattered about the work, it becomes distracting and the reader often begins to pinpoint where you went wrong in errors rather than the actual content of what you have written. So yes, please go back though this with a fine tooth comb and weed out all those pesky little errors. xD

Overall, like I said, I think this was very sweet and genuine. You had meaning to your writing and the point was clear the entire way through. I can hardly knock you very hard for being so sincere with this piece, but my biggest suggestion would be to fluff it up a little bit. Get smoother with your words and don't be afraid to elaborate a tad bit more here and there when you get around to the parts that seem to stick the speaker with the most emotion.

I wish you well with your writing!

-Smylin

Hello there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.

I wanted to tell you all that time, that I loved you but I could never find enough courage to confront you.

You don't need the comma here, since it just interrupts the flow of your sentence.

Did you ever wonder why I bothered going to self-study class in the afternoons when I could go home and rest? Because I never actually payed attention to what is in front of me, I looked out the window and I saw you laughing amongst your friends, fooling around, playing basketball.
And that was enough to make me go to that self-study class every single day.

The rest of your story is in past, so it'd be better if you kept that part in past tense as well.

Did you know that you were the reason why I refused to change schools after I moved homes?

I don't think the 'homes' here is necessary.

I like this story. The format is very personal, and I think it is what makes the story so good. Apart from the few mistakes I spotted, it was great.

Keep writing!

-Other One

I think the way you've written the story was a good choice. I love how your story carries all those emotions despite of the simplicity of the writing. So well done with that.

Some parts in your short-story that I'd like to comment on:
Tenses: Since most of the tenses you've used are past tenses so you have to keep on using them through out the story, unless there is something happening at the moment, you can use present tenses.

From eight grade right til you graduated from high school.

> You can either say, from the eighth grade/grade eight

Spelling Mistakes: I have spotted a few spelling mistakes. I would suggest to write the whole story on a Microsoft Word program so that they would be corrected automatically.

Overall, I've really enjoyed reading your story. Well done and keep writing = )

hi.. Well as you must have read reviewers before me have already pointed most of the errors I noticed.. So I'll go on with the positive.. It was short, sweet, and filled with emotions.. And the emotions you have expressed were lovely!! I enjoyed reading it so much!! I don't know about the other readers but as I read it, I could hear 'clicks' inside my head that related your story to what happened to me.. All in all, I just loved it!!
Harshita:)

All I can say is... Wow. I loved that you wrote the story from a personal standpoint and it's very interesting to see what is really going through the main character's mind. It really helps me to connect to the character, that's why I also write my stories in that same point of view. Good job, keep it up!

**Question: Are you British? Your writing is very sophisticated for your age

hey..
love the bold expression of emotions.great job in getting across the character.
could really connect with her. except the few mistakes it was a very sweet work.
considering your age it was certainly a job well done.
keep writing!

I really enjoyed reading this. Since most of the people before have already commented on the bad, I'll just leave a positive note
It was short, sweet and to the point. There wasn't any fluff and that helped us, as the audience, to feel the genuine feelings. I didn’t feel as this was some character from a story, I felt like this could actually be a person who has actually felt this way. Good job in conveying that.
Keep writing!
~Starleene~

This is really great! I think that you should base a story off of something similar to this - it would be spectacular! I loved your phrasing and the way you said everything without actually saying much. I had an experience like this and it really spoke to me. Keep writing!

-Katie