Young Writers Society

Hello YWS, another story I wrote in a time of emotional turmoil. I hope you guys enjoy the read! (If you like the story, please press like at the top! Thanks! )

Autumn Leaves

I watched as leaves fell around me, circling in a small storm. My hand reached up and clutched at my chest, as tears fell down my face, upon the leaves, upon the Earth, upon your grave...

I dropped to my knees and put my head at the foot of your headstone, sobbing convulsively as I remembered what had happened...

3 Days Earlier...

We walked down the trail that we walked everyday together. I smiled as you held my hand and started messing with your hair as you always did when you get nervous. Looking at you, I pulled you towards me and embraced you in my arms, not caring if anybody passed by us.

You looked up at me and smiled, the only thing that really brightened my day. I put your hand on my cheek, feeling the warmth that spread throughout your body.

“Are you nervous?” I asked her. Without looking away from me, she shook her head and buried her head in my chest. Laughing, I put my hand on the back of her head and hugged her. She felt so fragile in my arms, like a small child.

She broke the embrace and looked at me, her blue eyes sparkling with happiness. I had never seen her this happy before. I looked her in the eyes and asked the question that would forever change my life.

“Will you marry me?” I asked as I held her hands. Her face turned into surprise, and then overwhelming joy as she nodded her head up and down. I gave her a wide grin and gently kissed her, her lips as soft and tender as clouds.

Stepping back, I started walking with her hand in mine. We went around a bend in the trail, and a man was standing there by himself.

We stayed to the right and were gonna go around him, but he stuck his arm out and stepped in front of us. There was a gleam as the sunlight reflected off of something that he was holding.

“Give me your money,” the man said. I couldn’t see his face since he was wearing a hockey mask under his hood. I stepped in front of my love and put my hands up. Slowly I reached into my pocket and started searching for my money.

Before I found the money, I held down #1 on my phone which speed-dialed 911. I grabbed the money and stuck it out in front of me, handing it to over to the man. In a flash, the man quickly snatched the money out of my hand.

When I thought his guard was down, I lunged for the gun. The man fought back and soon the fight over the gun was deadly. A shot fired off of the gun, and it seemed like time had slowed down.

I let go of the man and looked at her. She clutched at her chest as she slowly fell forward, her mouth open but making no sound. I heard screams and sirens surround me as I rushed towards her.

She landed on the ground motionless. I shook her and put her head in my lap while tears streamed down my face. I turned to look back at the man only to see nobody there, just the police and paramedics rushing down the trail towards us.

I looked back to your face and saw your eyes looking at me, but there was no life in them anymore. There was only unshed tears. Gently, I placed my hand upon you cheek and sobbed until the paramedics took you from my arms...

A raindrop landed on my shoulder as I stared at your grave. Lightning and thunder clashed among the sky as I put the gun to my head. Leaves whirled around me like an uncontrollable tornado.

I pulled on the trigger and I watched as the world slowly faded away. Lightning and thunder clashed once more among the autumn leaves...

We walked down the trail that we walked everyday together. I smiled as you held my hand and started messing with your hair as you always did when you get nervous. Looking at you, I pulled you towards me and embraced you in my arms, not caring if anybody passed by us.

You looked up at me and smiled, the only thing that really brightened my day. I put your hand on my cheek, feeling the warmth that spread throughout your body.

“Are you nervous?” I asked her. Without looking away from me, she shook her head and buried her head in my chest. Laughing, I put my hand on the back of her head and hugged her. She felt so fragile in my arms, like a small child.

In the blue part, you refer to the girl as "you" then you changed it to "she/her" etc. in the red portion. Stay consistent. Decide if the girl is "you" or "she".

She landed on the ground motionless. I shook her and put her head in my lap while tears streamed down my face. I turned to look back at the man only to see nobody there, just the police and paramedics rushing down the trail towards us.

I looked back to your face and saw your eyes looking at me, but there was no life in them anymore. There was only unshed tears. Gently, I placed my hand upon you cheek and sobbed until the paramedics took you from my arms...

A raindrop landed on my shoulder as I stared at your grave. Lightning and thunder clashed among the sky as I put the gun to my head. Leaves whirled around me like an uncontrollable tornado.

I pulled on the trigger and I watched as the world slowly faded away. Lightning and thunder clashed once more among the autumn leaves...

How did you get from past to present? You didn't pull the gun to your head when the girl just died. You pulled it to your head three days later while mourning before her gravestone. Also, doesn't it usually take longer than three days before a funeral happens?

I like the concepts you presented in your prose, but some parts were confusing. Specifically the "you" and "her" switcheroos. Edit that, and it'll be a great story. Happy writing!

Hi, Jalmoc!
I really liked your story. It is full of emotion and the imagery is great! My favourite line were

Jalmoc wrote:I watched as leaves fell around me, circling in a small storm. My hand reached up and clutched at my chest, as tears fell down my face, upon the leaves, upon the Earth, upon your grave...

It is really good!
Well, the fact that you treat the caracter as he/you is a little bit confusing... I guess it was intentional but it would be even better if you just treat her by "you". It makes the thing more real in my opinion...

Jalmoc wrote:“Will you marry me?” I asked as I held her hands. Her face turned into surprise, and then overwhelming joy as she nodded her head up and down. I gave her a wide grin and gently kissed her, her lips as soft and tender as clouds.

Stepping back, I started walking with her hand in mine. We went around a bend in the trail, and a man was standing there by himself.

Maybe you should talk more about his feelings. Try to make us emphatize with the girl so we can feel her death too... Show us why he felt in love with her.

Jalmoc wrote:I looked back to your face and saw your eyes looking at me, but there was no life in them anymore. There was only unshed tears. Gently, I placed my hand upon you cheek and sobbed until the paramedics took you from my arms...

It is so full of emotion! Congratulations

Jalmoc wrote:A raindrop landed on my shoulder as I stared at your grave. Lightning and thunder clashed among the sky as I put the gun to my head. Leaves whirled around me like an uncontrollable tornado.

I pulled on the trigger and I watched as the world slowly faded away. Lightning and thunder clashed once more among the autumn leaves...

I got confused here... Is it the same gun that took her life? You should write about it, if he took the gun, knowing he would kill himself...

Anyway, I really liked your story! Congratulations and let us hear from you again soon!

Hey Jalmoc!
That was really good!
You should definitely write more love stories! I loved that one and could definitely feel the love between the characters.
The only thing that did confuse me a little was that you switched with the way of narrating me/you... but other than that, I found it quite great, hah, I wish I was that good at expressing love through letters!
I sincerely loved it and hope you write more of these!
Keep on writing!
Teresa
We should talk sometime!

Well hi there. :]

So I had a couple things I feel as if I should maybe bring to light here with this piece. First of all you start this off with this moment where the main character is asking the girl he loves to marry him. A somewhat plain old happy scene I see. Then you have them walk down the way a bit only to run into this man who's going to rob them. The atmosphere changes too abruptly and I can almost see right clearly through what is going to happen to this couple. Tragedy will strike, most obviously. I sense this from the atmospheric change in your story. One thing you want to try and do is not be so easily guessed upon. Predictability doesn't always make for a great story.

I heard screams and sirens surround me as I rushed towards her.

Right here I wanted to bring up one small point. You have this couple walking down a trail, and the come across this man who's quite threatening. The male character dials 911 and as he hands the man the money, he lunges for the gun. The girlfriend (fiance) is shot, and then magically there's already sirens in the air and help is arriving. In truth, things don't happen this perfectly, this quickly. It would have taken some time for anyone to show up even in a hurry. The male character never stated his emergency to 911 and somehow they've magically appeared? This didn't come off very honestly to me. You would have been much better off with the man with the gun running off and leaving the guy to his fiance in a moment of great grievance, you know?

Another thing I wanted to point out was the way you have your male character pulling this completely homicidal move. I mean, the only thing the mugger wanted was there money, and he hadn't even begun to take it from them forcefully, he asked for it. Had the character just listened and attempted to get away from the situation rationally rather than impulsively and rather dangerously as he had, he might've surely had a better chance of getting away. It only makes sense.

Without looking away from me, she shook her head and buried her head in my chest.

You say the word head twice too repetitively in this sentence. Switch it up a little bit. Try changing the second word to face. Just a nitpick.

I pulled on the trigger and I watched as the world slowly faded away.

If he was shooting himself in the head, the world doesn't fade away slowly. In fact, he should not be able to recollect at all how the world ends to him. He can guess and assume, but it would surely end quickly rather than not. You also end this story in general very quickly I see. There's no fluff to it that I can honestly enjoy. It comes and goes with the snap of a finger. I wish you might have gone about it a bit differently.

Overall, I think this could make a decent first draft to a short story. You may do good in thinking about lengthening it up a bit. Could be very interesting should you decide to. It doesn't have to be tremendously long for it to be a good story, just to put that out there, but it should flow smoothly through in one non-disruptive and continuous flow of natural events.

-Smylin'

so sad...

Beautifully written, but, as others have said before, you not only change tense but change from 'her' to 'you'. This is confusing because you don't have any transitions, but I get what you were trying to do.

Good short story! it was so sad=(

Hey Hey!
So I really liked this story as a first draft. I felt the emotion is some places but in others it was noticable absent. Like here:

“Will you marry me?” I asked as I held her hands. Her face turned into surprise, and then overwhelming joy as she nodded her head up and down. I gave her a wide grin and gently kissed her, her lips as soft and tender as clouds.

If he really loved her he would be jumping for joy, he would be so happy he wouldn't even know what to do with himself, just something to consider. Also in this line you go from you to her, it’s a little confusing.
Love this line Great hook!

I watched as leaves fell around me, circling in a small storm. My hand reached up and clutched at my chest, as tears fell down my face, upon the leaves, upon the Earth, upon your grave...

Hm, think about this for a second. If you had just gotten engaged would you want to something to put your life in jeopardy? I know I wouldn't. Seems a little suicidal, you know?

When I thought his guard was down, I lunged for the gun. The man fought back and soon the fight over the gun was deadly. A shot fired off of the gun, and it seemed like time had slowed down.

She landed on the ground motionless. I shook her and put her head in my lap while tears streamed down my face. I turned to look back at the man only to see nobody there, just the police and paramedics rushing down the trail towards us.

I looked back to your face and saw your eyes looking at me, but there was no life in them anymore. There was only unshed tears. Gently, I placed my hand upon you cheek and sobbed until the paramedics took you from my arms...

Try were instead of was. “There were only unshed tears.”
Describe this scene a little more. Descibe the agony of seeing her fall to the ground. Don't tell us how you felt, show us. Show us the pain of losing the person you love. Show us the emotional wreck you are and the denial. You can't believe what just happened, you refuse to believe it. You're love was just taken from you when you had just seen her alive and well and held her in your arms and kissed her lips. You can't accept this loss. It's too much for you hence the suicide.
I do feel the story ended a little abruptly so try lengthening it, otherwise it was a really good first draft. Keep writing!
~Starleene~