Young Writers Society

“I love you Ynna, I mean it,” That was what he said to me that night. That he loves me, that he really mean it. I believed it. I can’t believe I let myself be fooled.


He kissed me and i kissed back. That night, that same night when I thought everything was real. When I thought he really loves me.


“I love you, Jake, forever and ever,” I silently wished him to say those words to me, too. That he will love me forever. That he will take care of me. I want him to want me until the very end of our days. I want him to love me like how much I love him. I want him to promise me he will love me no matter what.


But he did not.


I looked in his eyes and found guilt on them, I thought I’m just being paranoid so I took the idea off my head.


I was convinced he really do loves me, so I walked to my way home from their house. I stopped on the playground to sit on the swing, and that’s when I heard voices behind the bushes there, just beside the basketball court.


I closed my eyes and listened hard.

“Dude, I can’t believe you’re still playing with that girl,” a manly voice said. A girl? Who?


“It sucks man, I don’t know how to perfectly break her heart,” a familiar voice said. Perfectly break her heart? After the familiar voice said the last line, they both laughed.


“You’re an expert heart breaker, so, what’s your plan?” The other voice said. I’m eavesdropping, I know. But It just felt weird because I felt like I really have to listen their convo.


“I still don’t know, but I’m almost there. After a week, I’ll have the greatest piece on my collection,” he said. “of girls,” The other voice added.


“I mean, Ynna,” He meant me.


I can’t move. I can’t run. I can’t even open my eyes. That voice.. I know that voice.. The voice who said in a week he’ll have the greatest piece on his collection.


It’s Jake’s.


“Sh*t Jake!” I shouted, they stopped laughing and looked at me.


“You mean the world to me..” I told him. I can’t help it, I can’t fight the urge to shout, to cry. “You mean the world to me..” I repeat, whisper. This time, more soft. My voice is breaking, and I can feel my tears are flowing.


I took a glance on him, he’s standing still, mouth tight. I stood straight, looked him on his face. I can’t look on his eyes, I’m afraid I’ll know the truth.


The truth that I really am just a piece on his collection.


“Was everything.. was everything a joke to you? Everything was just an act?” I didn’t let him answer my question. “Wow! You’re so..” Idiot, stupid, jerk. “..great.” I said, crying. I did everything, anything to please you. I did things I can’t even imagine I did just to make you happy. I told you I love you. I told you I will love you for ever..


“You love me.” I said, trying to hold my tears. “Ha-ha, Nice Joke,” I said, he looked at me in the eyes, I looked away.


Those eyes, they’re reason for this tears. I love him, he fooled me. He broke my heart. But I know a certain thing, and that is, I love him, and I always will.


“I love you, Jake,” I whisper. I know it’s stupid. Maybe that’s what love is, Stupid.

I enjoyed reading it, although the only problem I could find with this, other than the gazzillion spelling and grammar errors, is that this isn't really a story. It's more of just one scene, where someone has their heart broken. You could sum what happens in one sentence. The goods things were that the dialogue was great, and so was the writing inbetween. So great writing, but I wished you would have been more adventurous in the story line.
-Anna

Well hello there.

It's nice to see you've taken up writing as a hobby. When you're just starting out and think of it as a sort of hobby, it becomes easy to fall in love with it. Soon it becomes a bit more serious of a hobby, like something you absolutely need to do. You get more serious about it and grow much better at it. Basically I just wanted to say it's okay if you don't feel you're as good at it starting out. You'll pick up pretty quickly I'm sure. ;] And it's great you joined the site so that us older writers can help you out along the way. I'll start by lending you a hand here with what you've written in this piece.

One thing I want to stress is it's important to have the tense of your work organized neatly in one fashion. If it's present tense, keep things present tense, if it's past tense or future tense, be sure to write only in the way that best suits that fashion. I noticed you had a tendency to jumble up the tensing of your words quite dramatically, and it became very distracting as I went along reading. It made me wonder if English perhaps isn't your first language? Or the only language you know? I knew a girl on here whose writing was really very beautiful, but she had the same problem with sorting out the tense of her words, and English wasn't her first language. It's something you must grow properly accustomed to and familiar with if you want your writing to come out smoothly and with excellent flow. An example of what I mean here:

I was convinced he really do did loves love me, so I walked to my way home from their his house.

I crossed out the words that were off-tense, and replaced them with what should have made this a much clearer sentence. Also, you say their house. Wouldn't it be his house? Seeing as you're only speaking of the one person, this boy that this girl loves?

Something I didn't so much like about this was the apparent lack of creativity in the scene. I understand that you were indeed striving for a sort of love story here, and those types of stories do tend to ring on the more popular side in young writers, but I didn't see much life in your writing. You were simple describing an obvious thing, that this girl loved a boy who thought of her as simply another notch on his belt. There are so many different endless ways you could have gone about describing this! There was really no need to be so simple. If you have an idea, run with it in the most creative way possible.

Almost always describe scenes in the most vivid way possible. This was another big thing I wanted to shed some light on. When I read this there wasn't much motivation for feelings. It was all rather dry and spoken rather than felt. When writing feelings you must show motivation for those feelings. In this piece you just went for the obvious angle. You wanted this girl to be heart broken, so you had her overhear her boyfriend telling a friend that his intention was to break her heart. Why did he want to break her heart? Where was his motivation and logic for this to be something he wanted when this girl treated him so right? (At least from what you say.) It doesn't make sense. What makes even less sense is the fact that this character you have telling the story can still love this person. You never explain why. You never give any reason for these feeling. There should be some sort of logic coming from this story for the reader to be able to properly understand where the character is coming from. You can't always write things in plain as you have here. It just doesn't work.

You had quite a lot going on here as far as grammatical errors and punctuational mistakes. Normally I wouldn't mind pointing such things out for whomever so that they may correct these mistakes and therefore cleanup their writing prior to further editing, but there was simply too much to weed through here and I wasn't aiming to have my entire review be based off cleaning up your general errors and such. If you'd like, I can gladly help you out with this though. But for the most part, I think it might help if you attempted to run back through this with a fine-tooth comb and sift out all the little mistakes yourself first. If you have any trouble at all with this, feel free to ask for some help. I'd be quite willing to lend a hand. :]

That all said though, I definitely think this could use some work. In general, you might want to think about injecting some more personality and some originality into your work before getting too serious on keeping this whole climax as the center of your story. It shouldn't be too hard to really come up with a suitable enough structure to this idea. You seem to already have the motivation for what you want your story to be. Now just channel it, and come up with something especially intriguing! :]

I hope I didn't come off sounding too harsh. Really, my only intention ever is to help where I can. If you have any questions concerning my review, feel free to shoot a PM my way!

-Smylin'