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I intended to kiss you.



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Gender: Female
Points: 1213
Reviews: 13
Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:16 am
Teresabanosg says...



That dance had been special beyond measure. I expected I'd be alone all night, and I've got to admit that he caught me by surprise when he told me he wanted to dance. Social gatherings had never been my thing. It had been kind of awkward when we first talked. But we slowly gained confidence.
I remember it all in graphic detail. We were sitting by the fire. There was nobody else out there on the hill, just the two of us talking about school. Out on the lake, the sun's colours reflected the warm summer day coming to an end.
"Haha, I know! Math is so annoying!" I exclaimed.

"I wish I could burn my math book!" He said smirking. We both smiled and looked at the warm blazing fire. Neither of us said anything. We just sat there staring into the hot coals covered by the bright flames. Such a perfect moment. His deep blue eyes gleamed with the light of the fire. He broke the silence.

"The last song is on... Do you wanna go dance?" He asked. I nodded and smiled.He took my hand and we walked up the steps. I recognized my favorite song and could't help but grin. But when we entered the softly lighten room, my expression changed. I was somehow confused. Everyone was tightly hugging and kissing. Where I lived, we didn't have this at dances or parties. Suddenly, I felt it inside of my stomach, just when he placed his hands around my hips. My stomach was filled with butterflies, or dragonflies, maybe even fruit flies. I wasn't sure. I only knew that it was filled with some sort of flies. Circling round and round as I put my hand around his neck. We started up just holding each other with, like, a foot in between us. But somehow, after a minute or so, we ended up closer than I'd expected. We were tightly hugging, just like other people in the room, closer than I'd ever thought of being. I rested my head on his chest and let the moment linger.
We swayed slowly for all of the song. A few times a long the way, he hugged tighter. These were the moments when I felt the most butterflies. This was the last thing I'd imagined for the night. But it was now happening. I could hear his heartbeat, and my head was so close to his chest. I even caught a whiff of his Cologne.
The song started fading away, and I could feel him pulling me close. The lights that before were dim shone really bright. As part of my summer camp's tradition, I got my camp t-shirt, that I'd left elsewhere, and we exchanged shirts, then he put mine on.
"Do you wanna go outside?" He said smiling. Without being able to pronounce a word, I nodded. He took my hand and we walked out of the room and approached the fire. This time, instead of staring at the fire, we looked at each other.
But as I felt us leaning closer in, I heard someone yell:

"Guys! you aren't supposed to be out here! The girls need to go now!"And that was the end of the moment. We walked towards the camp vans.

"Thanks so much for tonight. It was awesome" I said grinning. He smiled back at me. "But I need to go now, thanks"
I hugged him, and he hugged back. Real tight.
Then, I ran to the camp van. When I looked back, He had disappeared in the crowd of boys bragging about their dates. It was late already. Under the bright moonlight, I inspected his shirt. Navy blue with a white D at the top left corner. My cousin Rex, came from behind and said: "Hey! I see you actually got a shirt! Great Job, Ingrid". I pretty much ignored her. I was lost inside my mind. I wanted to keep talking to him, to know him better. The only thing I new about him was that his name was James, he was from Vermont, and he hated math. That was helpful. We sang our camp's goodbye song and I got into the van. We slowly moved away from that place. Where the unimaginable had happened to me, Ingrid, the socially awkward kid. As we drove away I fell asleep in the car.

A week later, I ran to check the mail. I found nothing from my parents, as usual, But I found a letter with my name on it, and no return address. I opened it, and started reading the messy handwriting. The note was pretty empty. All it said was:

Hey Ingrid.
Meeting you was fun. It was really cool. And your t-shirt smells pretty good.Thanks a lot for that night.
Hope you had fun too. Let's keep in touch please.
-James.
P.S. When we were by the fire at the end of the night, I intended to kiss you.
Last edited by Teresabanosg on Fri Nov 25, 2011 11:40 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Am I crazy enough?
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 1:12 pm
manisha says...



it was a cute story.
it brought the night alive.
though you could work on your flow.

I remember it all in graphic detail. We were sitting by the fire. There was nobody else out there on the hill, just the two of us talking about school.

i think the detail here should be a bit more. it creats a very vague atmosphere about the setting as you started off the story telling about the dance. its kind of a quick shift in the place.
and about the lines in bold i feel the hill should be mentioned first and then the fire.
but thats left to your comfort.

Suddenly, I felt it in my stomach, just when he placed his hands around my hips

what does she feel in the stomach? the flow doesnt work here again.

We were tightly hugging, just like other people in the room, closer than I'd ever thought of being

just like the other people

!"And that was te end of the moment.

the

Without being able of pronouncing one word

not able to get any word out, i nodded. ?

the ending was good.
not a bad effort.
working on the flow will make it all the better.
hope i was helpful.

- manisha
If Novels are a bucket of imagination, Short story is a bucket of imagination made to fit a mug.
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:34 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Wow, I like your style, especially the mail in the quote format.
Anyway, onto the critiquing!!!

Most of it was covered by Manisha but I picked out a few mini errors:
1. Cologne is a name, so it has a capital letter.
2. You used the term 'smiling' an awful lot, maybe use something like grinning, smirking etc
3.
Without being able of pronouncing one word

instead of Manisha's suggestion try: Without being able to pronounce
4.
But as I felt us leaning closer in, I heard someone yell

This should have a colon on the end.
5.
"But I need to go now, thanks" I hugged him

Try: "But I need to go now, thanks", I hugged him

That's all I could criticise. I have no experience with romance fiction WHATSOEVER. I've only ever seen 'Love Actually', but anyway I did enjoy this, I must say.
In particular:
1. As mentioned, I did like the quote style you had the letter wrote in. A bit of personal style. I like it.
2. You described sound, sight, smell, and touch. There wasn't much to taste in the end! XD But you used all the appropriate senses, which is good.
3. The bit with the flies and butterflies made me chuckle.
4. I could relate with the characters. I hate maths too!
5. It was a nice twist at the end. They didn't kiss, but it was still a happy ending.

I hope you keep on writing quality stuff like this. I would love to read more! An amazing first try at novel writing, well done!

Happy Writings! DNX ;J
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:14 pm
Teresabanosg says...



Thanks a lot for your reviews! I'll surely try to improve. This is my first time writing an actual story in English, and your revies will certainly help :) Thanks!
Am I crazy enough?
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:38 pm
purplepretzel says...



That dance had been special beyond measure. I expected I'd be alone all night, and I've got to admit that he caught me by surprise when he told me he wanted to dance. I was never good with social gatherings. It had been kind of awkward when we first talked. But we slowly gained confidence.
^ I think you overused the word "I" a bit as a sentence starter.

I remember it all in graphic detail. We were sitting by the fire. There was nobody else out there on the hill, just the two of us talking about school.

"Haha, I know! Math is so annoying!" I exclaimed.

"I wish I could burn my math book, haha" He said smiling. We both smiled and looked at the warm blazing fire. None of us said anything. We just sat there staring into the hot coals covered by the bright flames. Such a perfect moment. His deep blue eyes gleamed with the light of the fire. He broke the silence.
^ aw, this part is cute. ha. (:

"The last song is on... Do you wanna go dance?" He asked. I nodded and smiled.He took my hand and we walked up the steps. I recognized my favorite song and could't help but smile. But when we entered the softly lighten room, my expression changed. I was somehow confused. Everyone was tightly hugging and kissing. Where I lived, we didn't have this at dances. Suddenly, I felt it in my stomach, just when he placed his hands around my hips. My stomach was filled with butterflies, or dragonflies, maybe even fruit flies. < cute.I wasn't sure. I only knew that it was filled with some sort of flies. Circling round and round as I put my hand around his neck. We started up just holding each other, with like a foot in between us. But somehow, after a minute or so, we ended up closer than I'd expected. We were tightly hugging, just like other people in the room, closer than I'd ever thought of being. I rested my head on his chest and let the moment linger. GREAT job describing getting closer. I could so picture it.

We swayed slowly for all of the song. A few times a long the way, he hugged tighter. These were the moments when I felt the most butterflies. This was the last thing I'd imagined for the night. But it was now happening. I could hear his heartbeat, and my head was so close to his chest. I even caught a whiff of his cologne.

The song started fading away, and I could feel him pulling me close. The lights that before were dim shone really bright. As part of my summer camp's tradition, I got my camp t-shirt, that I'd left elsewhere, and we exchanged shirts, then he put mine on.

"Do you wanna go outside?" He said smiling. Without being able of pronouncing one word, I nodded. He took my hand and we walked out of the room and approached the fire. This time, instead of staring at the fire, we looked at each other.

But as I felt us leaning closer in, I heard someone yell

"Guys! you aren't supposed to be out here! The girls need to go now!"And that was te end of the moment. We walked towards the camp vans.

"Thanks so much for tonight. It was awesome" I said smiling. He smiled back at me. "But I need to go now, thanks"

I hugged him, and he hugged back. Real tight.

Then, I ran to the camp van. When I looked back, He had disappeared in the crowd of boys bragging about their dates.
Whoa, that went by kind of fast. Maybe you could describe her departure more?

I got into the van and we slowly moved away from that place. I fell asleep in the car.

A week later, I ran to check the mail. I found nothing from my parents, as usual, But I found a letter with my name on it, and no return address. I opened it, and started reading the messy handwriting. The note was pretty empty. All it said was:



Hey Ingrid.

Meeting you was fun. It was really cool. And your t-shirt smells pretty good.Thanks a lot for that night.

Hope you had fun too. Let's keep in touch please.

-James.

P.S. When we were by the fire at the end of the night, I intended to kiss you.


Aw, this was really cute. I love the tie-in with the title.<3 ha, I felt like you described a lot in some places, but vague in others. In the beginning, you were really descriptive [his blue eyes & the slow dancing scene], but it started to get vague as the story went on. What happened? if you go back and add more detail to the story, this piece would be amazing. When you read your sentences, try to go back and add what the narrator was feeling. Put more of her thoughts into it. There wasn't really a plot, but that's alright. It was cute, and I loved it.

Great job! Keep writing. (:
  





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Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:57 am
Teresabanosg says...



Thanks for your reply! I've corrected what everyone told me :)
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Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:21 am
free2sing says...



Girl i only have one word for you...AWWWWWWWW! That was one of the cutest short stories I've read and i was just smiling the whole time. THis is really REALLY good and i hope more people get to comment on how much they liked it (because youd be stupid not to). I love how you had the main characters name really original not like Jessica or Kate. But Ingrid. How you decribed everything around you was marvelous as well. LIke James's blue eyes and the fire. It made me very happy how they might end up or meet each other some time again. Good use of foreshadowing. Overall MAGNIFICENT work! (:
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Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:01 pm
sharitm2 says...



Hey great story (: I feel like you could have improved the first few lines though, because they didn't hook me on to the story as well as they could have.

"I wish I could burn my math book, haha" He said smirking.

Saying "haha" there makes it seem kinda like they are chatting on Facebook. Why don't you try just cutting out the "haha"?

We started up just holding each other, with like a foot in between us.

The grammar in this sentence isn't quite right. It should be, "We started up just holding each other with, like, a foot in between us."

We song our camp's goodbye song and I got into the van.

A simple spelling mistake haha. It should be "We sand our camp's goodbye song and i got into the van."

Other than a few grammar mistakes here and there, the story itself was very cute and i enjoyed reading it (: The plot was also very good.

Keep writing!
~Sharitm2
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin
  








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