Young Writers Society

I once loved a girl ever so deeply that I forgot about everything else in life. I stopped playing the piano and deserted my 360. I loved her ever so much, there was just one problem. She doesn’t know. There first time I saw her was just over six months ago. It was a school lock-in just for the music department. It had been going on for a few hours when I saw her. She was wearing jeans and a white shirt, holding a pillow and standing next to her mom. They were talking to the band teacher. When she turned her head towards me eye contact only lasted for a second, but that single second lasted an eternity.

I’ll never be able to forget her eyes. Dark blue on the rim and a lighter blue mixed with grey filled the rest of the iris. The color just draws you in like some sort of trance. They are the perfect eyes. They fit right in with her flawless smooth skin and shoulder length red hair. Stuck in the trance all I could manage to babble was ‘Are you staying for the lock in?’ She replied with a simple nod. We spent the night hanging out together and it was by far one of the happiest days of my life.

But now six months later I know that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you care for them, they don’t always love you back. And unfortunately that is the case for since that night she has never talked to me again. Leaving me to wonder what she thinks about me. I guess I’ll never know, but I do know she is happy with the man she now loves and I do not wish to ruin her happiness. So now I must say goodbye for I no longer wish to raise my hopes up and break my heart yet again.

Goodbye my unknown love.

That's a beautiful story! I can almost relate to it...personal experience. I think a lot of people have had something like this happen to them. It's bittersweet, in a way. Great descriptions, however I would explain how you felt, or dig a little deeper into the story. Great job!

I think it's certainly very heartfelt, and that is clearly evident in your writing. I like the principle of the story, and I can relate to it a bit, but I think in this case (no offence) that less is more. I think it's certainly a valid idea and basis for a story, and maybe re-work it and edit it so it dials down some of the descriptions. Good luck with it !

Hi there =] There was one sentence where you said 'there first time I saw her' change there to the. Also, the description on her eyes is a bit jumbled. Maybe separate that part into different sentences so we can digest each bit of information a bit easier.

Okay, now that I got my two nitpicks out of the way, I think this is an easily relatable piece. We've all been there at some point or another where we fall madly in love with someone we don't even know and then get crushed miserably when they never speak to us or are madly in love with someone other than us. So props on that =] A little bit more information on what the two were talking about would have been really neat, just to let us know if the girl led him on and then dropped him the very next day for no reason.

Overall, you have a really good piece here =]

I like the concept of the story..I've always loved "What if's" in love stories. However, when I read this, the emotion falls a bit flat. I think, if there were more description it would add a lot to this. Remember also, it's always better to show than tell. It would also be nice to know exactly why the two never speak again, and for the speaker to explain how he know's this is love, rather than lust or puppy love. Her beauty overtakes him yes, but love is much more. Assuming the character is young, how is he certain this is deep love rather than just infatuation? I think answering this would really convey how deep his feelings are for her. Overall, this is a good foundation that I think could go far with some tweaking.

Hey

The concept of this writing is pretty clear - I will give you that. But in my perspective, if this writing was filled with more emotions and of course proper descriptions, you'd have aced it.
Then again, all of us have a long way to go. So, keep writing

Hey there! This was incredibly deep and heartfelt. I felt so much after i read this that it seems almost impossible to criticize this in anyway. I loved how you described her eyes so beautifully. I was kind of confused on if you guys were at a school or a camp or what? I really enjoyed this a lot though. Thanks for sharing(:

I really like what you're talking about. I think most people can relate to what you are talking about. We always have someone that we have feelings for, but they just don't have those feelings back. Or they get feelings for you, when you're finally over them. It's very frustrating.

The story was very short. Adding more detail would be pretty awesome. You could elaborate a little bit more.

Also, there were a few grammar mistakes that could be fixed.

Otherwise it was really good! [: