Hellz yes, not that thats relevant haha) And now, suddenly, this repeatedly idealised boy became tangible. His chest, which had once been nothing more than the case of his metaphorical heart, was now hard beneath my head. I rested it upon him gently, instinctually. It was hard to tell how much I’d given in to instinct- being so lost in the moment. It felt like my body had just melted into the shape of his open arms. I hope I didn’t force myself against him, but I don’t know. At the same time I hope he wasn’t hugging me out in the cold space of arms length, I’d felt his warmth. He’d been the one that hugged me! And I’d literally melted into a discomposed, fluid jumble of exploding emotion, single words cannoning out at random intervals. The thought that for one moment…everything of the past could be okay shocked me. The slightest squeeze on my shoulder, the opening smile, they were images that comforted me with “its okay”. He’d told me it was okay 3 times over when I’d made my nervous apology, incessantly saying “sorry’s” met with repeated “okays”. But right now, he’d proven his point. I couldn’t believe myself so lucky. After the screaming, terrified days of mistakes where I’d made him suffer. To the days where I’d wake up every morning and long for the darkness of the night, then this? But then, suddenly it was gone.
And then, suddenly, I was racing through the corridors, face hid under hand, heart spastically bouncing around, strange tearless sobs convulsing through me.
Than that night, I could kiss your words you wrote for me. I felt the true warmth with which you’d filled me up with. My candle had been re-lit and its sweet incense was diffusing throughout my whole body. And yet, despite being thoroughly overwhelmed, it was just an innocent candle, I didn’t let my passion fuel it into a raging fire that blackened and consumed every happy element in its path. No, maybe I can only make that mistake once.
But I realised later, it had been a candle of hope. Not a large unrealistic hope that turned into a dream that says “Make me your girlfriend.” It had only been the hope of getting to see you one last time. That hope was shortly extinguished the next day. I felt cold and bitter. The bright colours made my eyes sting. The almost piercing happiness around me couldn’t burst the bubble of the clouds around me, nor could I make them rain. But friends are persistent. And jumping castles can literally force the happiness inside of you. And tears come eventually. No matter how dry it is, you can always say, in the future it will rain.
Soon the rain started pissing down. Belting angrily, I buckled from the pain. I ran from the lightning, but it didn’t matter, because I’d already been struck. I was replacing the coldness I’d felt from your absence with a tropical thunderstorm. I pushed past long grass, tangled in thorns, slipping past trees, stumbling on rocks; all was a colourful blur, as if the windscreen wipers were out of action. Of course they were out of action, I was breaking down.
Now I look back. They say never look back, only look forward. But it became a habit for me after I realised that you only existed in my past, the only way to see you was to rebuild you from memory. And I may never see you again. But time does pass. And It’s okay, suddenly.
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