Young Writers Society

Hey everyone, this is a preface to the novel that i have started writing. I hope you guys enjoy and I hope you can give me some constructive criticism.


Preface

She wasn’t thinking, that was sure. The events of the day had passed by in a translucent blur, and she realized that she was able to remember very little of what had happened. Her thoughts were fuzzy, and the memories running through her head were far from perceptible. In fact, she couldn’t recognize any of the recollections. In some, she could only perceive the rainy backdrop. Others were vivid and apparent. The tears which were streaming down her cheeks were definitely not helping the situation. Wheezing heavily between sobs, she groped for a tissue to wipe away the mucus which was dribbling down her nose. Her gorgeous satin gown was in tatters, the loose fabric barely covering her bodice due to the day’s events. Her shoes had been kicked off and were lying on the other side of the room. The lovely black strands of hair which were previously framed intricately around her face were now disheveled and unkempt. She was absolutely miserable.
She didn’t even notice the tall elegant figure approaching her through the doorway until he hesitantly knocked. Startled, she glanced up from the fetal position she had taken on the bed.
Oh no. He can’t see me like this. Please don’t see me like this.
The tall figure walked the length of the room and sat on the bed, his movements almost cat like. Without saying a word, he brushed the tears away from her cheeks, and smoothed her hair. He picked up the ends of the white, linen hospital sheets and drew them over her figure towards her shoulders. Tucking her in delicately, he kissed her forehead and gave her a solemn look. She knew what he was thinking.
If I could do anything, I would.
But she knew he couldn’t. There was nothing he could do this time.
He held her face gently, and, gazing into her deep brown eyes, he let his lips meet hers. The kiss was brief, but for both of them, it was something that they would remember forever. They had both wanted this for so long, and now it was finally happening. It was definitely not the best timing, but at least it had happened.
When he pulled back, he saw the shock in her eyes. He could taste the fear on her tongue. She locked her arms around his neck and, leaning forward, kissed him again, this time more fervently.
Just then, there was a knock on the door. They both pulled apart immediately. The tall figure began to amble out the entryway, but she caught him off guard. She grabbed his hand, and when he turned back, she almost whimpered the words “Don’t go.”
That was all it took for him to sit next to her throughout the night, and for the many days that she would stay in the hospital afterward.

Hi there! My name is TSM and I'll be reviewing your writing today. Let's get started.

Overall, it was well-written. Although the descriptions and whatnot were extensive, I was still able to see what was going on in my mind's eye. I immediately got the sense that this was one of those romance stories, which is obviously a good thing if it is, and if it's not, well...

Some of the sentences were quite short, but I still thought everything flowed together quite well. Here's one place that I think you need to change:

sharitm2 wrote: The events of the day had passed by in a translucent blur, but she realized that she was able to remember very little of what had happened.

Also, this should be italicized because it's a thought:

sharitm2 wrote: Oh no, he can't see me like this. Please don't see me like this.

And then here:

sharitm2 wrote: Tucking her in delicately, he kissed her forehead and gave her a solemn look. She knew what he was thinking:
If I could do anything, I would.

I'm intrigued by this story and I look forward to any further postings. One last thing before I finish. This is more of a personal issue, but I don't really think this is a preface -it's more of a prologue.
Good work!
TSM

Hello sharitm2!
I must day this, but your writing is so mature. Your use of language really excells what writing your age group should be writing with. The only problem is maybe you did it too much, your wording was brilliant but your actual description wasn't that great. You could spend longer going over and re writing it slightly, getting to know your characters togethr and understanding what us going on in the characters head. As the person before me write, when you are writing from someone else it really npshould be noticeable, bit it in italics, it makes it easier to read.
Yoour story line, it good. It gives the reader an idea what it's going to be about, without giving away the big picture. This makes the reader want o read mor, which I do! I really want to know why she is in a hospital gown, she must be sick! The suspence is killing me, hehe x
Love,
Evenslily x

Hi there.

This isn't a preface, by the way, it's actually a prologue. A preface is usually an 'introduction' by the author and prologue is an 'introduction' to the story, thus it is fiction whereas a preface is usually not fiction.

I became exceedingly confused throughout the course of the story. Not that the points weren't clear enough, but due to the fact of the sudden change in events. One moment, she's distressing about something - as she's sick of course - and the next she's passionately kissing the lips off of some guy. The two events really don't click very while. You'll need some lead-up or at least a few explanations of why, all of a sudden, she's kissing a guy. I do understand that this is a prologue but, nevertheless, having confusing events in the beginning of a novella/novel is one of the biggest turn-offs for readers. They won't want to continue reading if they feel they can't understand the start.

Doubly, as I do recognize the fact that this girl is having difficulty forming thoughts because, of some reason, she is incapacitated currently, you still need to include descriptions. With the girl's handicapped ways at the moment, you can use them to your advantage to describe things in the most eccentric of ways. It'll definitely be something original and appealing to the audience. Perhaps the girl sees things differently? Does she compare average things like grey walls to something entirely different, like a flamingo's feathers (for some reason? it's just an example). Take advantage of her state and the wildest things will happen as well as making the prologue that much more interesting for the reader. So far, besides confusing ideas, it's rather bland and lacks the excitement and suspense a typical prologue usually possesses.

I would be more than happy to read your future revision for this piece when the time comes, so just shoot me a PM then.

Yours,
Lavvie