Young Writers Society

I'm so excited for school to end. I haven't been this excited about a guy in a long time.
He's so cute...no...
He's SEXY!
I wish I had a girlfriend to share this with.
Ugh. Why is it that when I'm excited about something that's going to happen after school, last hour is so long??
Oh. My. Fajitas. Did the bell just ring?
I bolt out of my seat, taking all of my things, and I'm halfway down the hall when I realize something. Joseph and I didn't establish a place to meet.
Crap.
I text him and walk around the school, waiting for his reply.
My phone rings and I almost poop my pants.
Oh, it's just mamí.
I flip it open and say, "Hi, mamí."
"Hi, mi hijita," my mom says.
"What's up?"
"I'm just heading to work. Are you on the bus?"
"Um, no. I have to stay after school for something. And don't worry, I'll find a ride."
"Abgelica, don't you be doing those drugs, you hear me?"
"I know, mamí. I'm not doing that. The principal asked me to tutor a student. I'll get a ride from h..er."
I dont know how she would feel about me riding with a guy.
"Okay, mi hijita. Be careful. I love you," she says.
"I love you, too."
I close my cell and continue to walk around the school.
When he finally texts back, the message says:



I can't believe I'm going through with this again. I'm just gonna hurt her the same way I did with the last seven. She'll think I'm a monster. She won't be the one that'll be able to save me. I'll have to push her away.
"Hey," a voice says.
I look up and it's her. Angelica.
No. I can't push her away. She's different.
"Hi," I say back, flashing her a dazzling smile.
I can see her blush under her milky caramel colored skin.
"Ready to work?" she asks when she composes herself.
"Yup. I brought my homework."
I pull out a couple of books and sheets paper.
"Okay, Joseph. What's your homework for tomorrow?"
"You can call me J.J., Angelica," I say.
"And you can call me Angel. Everyone does."
I smile.
"Okay, Angel."
She blushes and I notice that her eyes catch the ring on my finger.


It's on the middle fibger of his right hand. The band is thick and an aged silver color. The black gem on it looks bottomless. There's a design on the band but I can't tell what it is. I can't take my eyes off of this ring. There's something about it...
"What's that?" I blurt, reluctantly tearing my eyes away from the ring to look at him.
"A ring," he says flatly. The look in his eyes is panicked but he hides it well with a bored look.
"I can see that," I snap. "I meant, what does it stand for? It looks a little old for a teenager to wanna wear it."
He looks at me for a second before saying, "Aren't you supposed to be helping me with my homework?"
I sigh and nod.
"What do you need help with?"


Shit.
I almost told her. I have to keep my guard up.
She can't know. Something tells me that she's important , but she can't know.
Maybe I can actually have a normal relationship with her. I'll just have to have a reason why I disappear for a day each month.
"Need help with anything yet?" she asks.
I look up at her. Man, she's beautiful.
She's wearing these black framed glasses and she looks absolutely adorable.
"Beautiful," I whisper.
She lifts her right eyebrow.
"I mean..." I clear my throat. "No, not yet. Thanks."
"Okay."
She smiles to herself as she looks back down at her homework.
Oh yeah, I can definitely have a normal relationship with her. I just have to work hard at it.
That, I can do.

Hey there, Roxy.

I figured I'd stop by and lend a hand with a review! So here we go.

The set-up of this was a bit familiar looking. Almost like an RPG(role playing game). You seemed to be quite excited and involved in what was going on in the story. And that is definitely a good thing. Though, it's an even better thing to channel that involvement with your characters and turn it into something more solid. What I mean by this is, try not to reveal too much about your characters all at once. You don't want them to seem eager either. Perhaps that was one of the larger things I found wrong with this.

Allow me to quote something here:

She'll think I'm a monster. She won't be the one that'll be able to save me. I'll have to push her away.

Now, if the narration of this was in third person rather than first, the revealing of this character feeling like a monster might seem a little smoother and less out of place being said. Then again it is a lot of info to divulge at once in any sense. Here it simply seems as if he's overly in tune with his feelings already. The story has just begun. You want to keep things calm. Both characters seem too eager to be around each other.

Another small thing I wanted to bring up was the detail of the ring. Angel seemed overly curious about it, whereas in real life, one might not see someone wearing a ring as anything out of the ordinary. You want to pay attention to controlling the little details so that they come out in the way you want them, but not in a rushed way. The significance of this ring could have perhaps been brought in a little later in time. There's no need to rush things now. Feel free to take your time with things.

Some smaller notes: I wanted to make a brief mention that in the beginning of this, there was no real back-story to anything. You seemed to be hopping into the scene from scratch, and it was a little off-setting. As for the dialogue, I think it could perhaps use some work. Though, dialogue can be a bit more involved as far as getting it just right. What's good to do is imagine the conversations going on in real life rather than scripting your characters. How does it sound in your head? Let the words spill from the characters lips just as they might in real life. It might be good to practice on it a bit.

I want to assume this J.J. character is a werewolf? Again, there's no need to rush with the scenes and the details so soon. Take your time. Allow this truth to unravel organically. Overall I'd like to say slow it down some. The pace is falling too quick. Also be sure to take down the antsiness of Angel's and J.J.'s characters. They'll have time to develop a relationship in the story soon enough.

I hope this helps! I'd also like to make a note that I set the rating on this to 12, as you'd forgotten to yourself. There was a word in here or two that called for the 12+ rating, but if you have any further wonderings about how the rating system works, you can take a look at the Content Ratings Info. page for future reference. :]

-Smylin'