Young Writers Society

Only by faith – H.Poole.

You can have faith without love but you cannot love without faith.

Our love was a beautiful disaster. I was the wreckage and you, the casualty. We loved each other like a car crash and we carved into each other like timelines on a silver birchwood tree. We tried to defy all reason and love without faith, independence becoming as rational as the maternal struggle. We dived into salmon waters without thoughts under our belts. My stream of consciousness fell apart as the glue was never waterproof. We will never understand how destiny would bring us right back to where we started again. Like the ring that you wear around that finger.

In your monotropic mind, the idea of the perplexity of marriage encompasses you. You silently question my motives of walking you down the aisle, naked teeth bared and ethereal thoughts violently fighting against sense of sound. I see the ring, so unnecessarily glamourised with harsh cut diamonds and pearls like beads on an abacus. Such a childish error of self-preservation on your behalf. Your moral compass always was a little off. That ring that you wear is the loophole that you so valiantly discovered. The loophole in life; in which you may be loved, but no love will ever slip away from your cold flesh. There is an overly glorified saying about love, that it is a game that both can win. How wrong we have proven a lover in denial of existence.

You wear that ring like it’s wrapped around you. The wedding; flashbacks of white roses, skin thin as paper. Purity that runs through crimson veins, leaving scars to lie in faith and love and all things overrated. And to entertain the notion that love is labour lost in time, is to cover a child’s eyes from a tender scene, not far from where we stand. We will all fall, not into love or faith or hope, but into reality, that you forgot was beneath you all this time.
The accusation, that you so solemnly made, caught me in a whirlwind of raspberry bruises and skin splitting like silk. You quietly lied as a Trojan horse, concealing the deepest secrets that even I knew, you could not face sedulously.

Even now, after religiously denying any sense of leftover feelings, we stand like we have been robbed of our idolized sanity. Our eyes emulate such ambiguity it is futile to try and begin etching copper words on bloodless paper. Now, I am drowning in your tragically beautiful life, surrounded by the pressing interrogation as I watch you fall asleep. Fragile flaxen curls that suit your brittle frame so well. The neutral olive eyes that shattered upon impact with reality. Milky skin that feels so painfully comforting to run my wild hands over. The jutting collarbones that I found intriquing, so perfectly broken, so unprotected by warm freckled skin.

I remember sitting in the cold night air, on tender moss and relentless earth. You came outside to me and we sat for an eternity. We did not utter a single word, but the exchange of silences felt like purification. The rain started, right on cue. Raging copper pennies, violently escaping God’s great sky, slapping the earth like the final act of independence. Nothing and everything ended on that tender moment. We were in limbo, between the edge of faith and the uncharacteristic sober termination of love. We were lovers. Not by trade, but by faith.

This is incredible. It had me perpetually lost in the story. Your piece was so filled with emotion, I felt like it was swirling all around me. Keep up the GREAT work.

Hi Faery!

I came into this being skeptical-- the first line struck me as a cliched opening --but you use some really beautiful images and phrases here. Occasionally, though, your word choice is overkill.

We loved each other like a car crash and we carved into each other like timelines on a silver birchwood tree.

I love love love both of these similes, the first one especially. It's such a wonderful line in itself, but I feel like to really give it the punch it deserves, you need to expand on it (and the second one) just a bit. How is their love like a car crash? Careening into every which way? Hands slowly losing control of a wheel? A blur of shattered glass and screeching brakes? Or just violent and powerful and terrifying? I'd love to see that explored more deeply.

We will never understand how destiny would bring us right back to where we started again. Like the ring that you wear around that finger.

I feel like there's a transition missing here to connect these two ideas.

In your monotropic mind, the idea of the perplexity of marriage encompasses you.

Here, "the idea of" is repetitive; just cut straight to perplexity encompassing. Although I question your use of "encompassing"-- is that really what you mean?

The accusation, that you so solemnly made, caught me in a whirlwind of raspberry bruises and skin splitting like silk. You quietly lied as a Trojan horse, concealing the deepest secrets that even I knew, you could not face sedulously.

Your phrasing and grammar gets a bit muddled here. Those first two commas are unnecessary. I would rephrase the second sentence as "You lied as quickly as a Trojan horse." And the last bit confuses me-- is the deep secret that the person can't face something, or can the person not face the deepest secrets? Be sure your wording is clear so your intent comes across.

Even now, after religiously denying any sense of leftover feelings, we stand like we have been robbed of our idolized sanity. Our eyes emulate such ambiguity it is futile to try and begin etching copper words on bloodless paper.

This is an example of wordiness. "Religiously" and "any sense" serve the same purpose here-- to emphasize the denying. You can cut one-- probably "religiously." "Emulate" just sounds clunky, as if you tried to find a more impressive synonym for "show" or "mean," and the effect is just compounded when paired with "ambiguity" and "futile." An extensive vocabulary is great, but beware of throwing in too many impressive words as it seems like you're trying to show off. The way the words are strung together is more important than each individual one.

Overall

While you have a lot of strong images, they are sometimes overshadows by the amount of telling you do. Avoid preachy statements like "we will all fall" and befuddling statements like "How wrong we have proven a lover in denial of existence." Take those beautiful phrases-- love like a car crash, the references to bloodless paper and jutting collarbones --and make them shine by not letting them drown in over-complicated sentences that strive to sound more intelligent by using big words in close succession. There is wisdom intrinsic to this story, and it will appear even more if every line is clarified and some of the ideas fleshed out.

Great job, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi