Young Writers Society

Deleted. This is now a novel. Click to go.

Mikster! <3

You write romantic stories? I didn't know that! :O This story is so... well, romantic! Besides the fact that they're in the middle of a war and there are dead bodies lying around them. I like all the things you've created. You've got a big imagination haven't you? But you had a few mistakes. Typos, I guess, but they were there:

Jenine stopped in her tracks

It's your own character's name, but I think you meant Janine.

They had spent almost two months trecking

Trekking, not trecking.

Jenine closed her eyes for a few seconds, relieved that she could no longer her the

Again, Janine, right? And I think you meant "she could no longer hear the..."

yearning for his love but she had programed herself

Programmed, not programed.

Those few centimtres that seperated them

Centimeters.

She accepted the feelings to brush through her as kissed the mouth he had been longing to kiss for such a long time. 

I think this sentence was supposed to be, "She accepted the feelings that rushed through her as she kissed the mouth she had been longing to kiss for such a long time."

Besides those, I didn't find any mistakes. I especially liked this dialogue:

"Darsgy I- Sweet Mother of Zorg!"

It gave me the tickles, for some reason. XD The things you created are amazing Mikster! An entirely new planet! I can't even create my own place. But, your character's names and what their race was called and everything was just splendid! I think it's absolutely fine that you didn't say anything more about the characters, although you could have described them a little bit. Besides that, amazing story Mikster!

~HPR~

Hi there Mikko!

It's definitely something different, this. Kind of more sci-fi than fantasy with a romantic twist. It's not usually something I'd be likely to read but here I am, finished reading. As a whole, it feels more like an excerpt of a story rather than a short story mainly because of the already ongoing war and characters who obviously have a complex and mysterious background to their life.

I can't think why you didn't want to write out developed characters. I could understand why they might not appear so developed in this story if it was an excerpt, but I see not why you wanted to keep them pretty basic and flat. We do sort of get a sense of Janine: committed, determined, kind of that for-the-greater-good type of person. But let's expand on her. Unless you have a word limit - which I doubt since you did not specify - you can have the chance and write a little more about your characters as implicitly or explicitly as you wish. If us as readers cannot grasp a few basic points about these two obviously important characters, we will then not understand Lohern's or Janine's actions and words. It gives us things to base off of and have a better comprehension of what is really going on.

I found it really bizarre in the sudden switch of events. One moment, it seems, these two people are hiding around in a forest and then next they're smooching off each other's lips. It's a rather contradictory moment. I found it still appealing to have within a battle scene, but perhaps not make it so...sudden. Ease into it. Maybe - I'm not sure what they use for battle weapons in this world - but maybe a bomb falls near Janine and Lohern blocks her and they fall tumbling into a leafy ravine and then from there things get lovely. That is probably also the most cliche thing, so don't do that. But it was an example

I honestly loved the ending, when they were kissing. You wrote it out well and with a sense of passion and love. Despite Janine's spoken words that Lohern should not love her, you've obviously made it clear that she, in turn, loves him. You do directly state it through Janine's thoughts, but the way you described the emotions between them during the kiss proves it all, and slightly implicitly. I thought the ending was well done.

If you have any questions about the review, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

Yours,
Lavvie