Young Writers Society

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o.o Didn't see that one coming....
I suddenly disdain/love Mark.
This was really quite good! Only thing:

etherealember wrote: Clerk: (Pulls out the document) Just kidding! I just love seeing that look on people’s faces! It’s what keeps me young…now sign here and there…right! Congratulations, you are now (looks at document) 600 million dollars richer! That certainly is quite a bit of pocket money!

I was thinking that maybe you should add something about him pointing to a place on the document when he tells them to sign? It's just an opintion, but whatever.
I am really liking this!!
Good job!

Heya
Here to review the next part of this!

Hm... now I've read it, I feel useless... I really can't find much to critique at all! Especially considering I epically fail at reviewing scripts. I'm going to have to dig deep and try to find something...

Clerk: (Pulls out the document) Just kidding! I just love seeing that look on people’s faces! It’s what keeps me young…now sign here and there…right! Congratulations, you are now

Haha... I like this. It sounds like the kind of thing that I would do.

Mark: Well, what if we get a joint bank account? I mean, it’s a lot of money, You don't need this comma here. and if we have a joint account, the money will be safe if anything happens to one of us.

This was really the only grammar error I could find. Smelly...

Overall, I really liked the twist in this. Like Isha said, I really didn't see what happened with Mark, coming! The only proper critique I can possibly think of is that you could have maybe made the phone call between Mark and Vivica a bit more interesting. I get the whole, Vivicia, it's done thing. It's on loads of movies, that's actually partly the problem. Maybe you could just include Vivica saying something? Something as simple as 'Good.' Then Mark could say something like 'Like taking candy off a baby.' That way, it makes Mark look more sinister, as well...

Sorry this wasn't really any help...

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Skins, with the cellphone conversation, remember this is a scene happening on stage. the other side of the conversation can't be heard. there are methods of doing this such as having the other side of the conversation projected through speakers, but I hate that myself, its too silly. so the audience will need to fill in Vivica's half of the conversation themselves...

Isha, in the actual performance there was actually a "sign here" bit

Thanks for the reviews guys! I have to wait a bit until I can post the final scene, but I'll put it up as soon as I can. Can I ask if you could you give an overall review once I've done that?

Wow! Didn't see that coming...Until he asked for the joint account. I mean, if they were going to get married, shouldn't they already have a joint account? Or have already discussed it? I mean, Mark knew she was rich, wouldn't it have made more sense if he discussed it way before?

REgardless, I was surprised and I can't wait to see the next scene (is it here yet? )

Great work, Ember!!
Tanya