Young Writers Society

FREAKY SPAGHETTI


…because we all love titles with all caps!

Anyway! Enter characters!

DANNY – Lovable oaf

BETH – Bartender

SADIE – The Star!

RANDOM GUY 1

RANDOM GUY 2

RANDOM GUY 25

CLAUDIO – The sheriff

THE MAN WITH NO NAME – Mysterious dude

JACOB – Record signer

CAROLINA – psychotic dudess.

PEARL

CHRISTIAN


ACT I

SCENE I

At rise: it is set in a bar in a western. BETH is wiping the counter and DANNY is talking to her.

DANNY
I think I love you!

BETH
Um… why are you saying this?

DANNY
Because it is a catchy line that sizzles of sexual tension and makes it clear that I am a prick, thus making my character have a flaw.

BETH
Oh.

DANNY
So what do you say, Snookums?

BETH
Snookums?

DANNY
You like to play hard to get, don’t you?

BETH
Nah, I just think you’re silly.

DANNY
But in a sexy way?

Enter Sadie.

SADIE
The star has arrived! Blows kisses. Wait… where is everybody?

DANNY
The author was too lazy to put anyone else in.

BETH
I thought the budget didn’t allow it?

SADIE
But! We’re in a sleazy bar! I thought I was supposed to be the star and sing to billions of adoring fans!

DANNY
Um…

BETH
You can sing to us.

SADIE
One hundred bottles of…

DANNY AND BETH
Not that song!

Suddenly, THE AUTHOR gets writer’s block and puts about twenty-five drunken people in the room in a wonderful example of deus ex machina.

DANNY
What the…?

SADIE
Yay! People! Runs off to sing. Look at me…. I’m as helpless as a kitten in a…OUCH! Bottles get thrown at her.

DANNY
Hm. You wouldn’t think drunk people would be able to discern bad singing that well.

BETH
I thought she sounded good.

DANNY
You would.

RANDOM GUY 1
I’m drunk!

RANDOM GUY 2
I’m cheating at cards!

RANDOM GUY 3
I have a gun! Shoots RANDOM GUY 2.

EVERYONE
Oh noes!

RANDOM GUY 25
The sheriff ain’t going to like this…

DANNY
Sheriff?

BETH
Is he nice?

DANNY
Um…

Then, in another crafty plot twist, the sheriff, CLAUDIO, comes in. Everyone goes silent.

CRICKETS
Chirp!

CLAUDIO
I’m the sheriff in town.

BETH
No you’re not.

CLAUDIO
What?

BETH
Officially, this “town” is a city. So you’re the sheriff in this city. Except, I thought sheriffs served the entire county, so technically you should be the sheriff of the county.

DANNY
My head hurts.

RANDOM GUY 2
My head hurts too!

CLAUDIO
Shoots RANDOM GUY 2.

RANDOM GUY 2
Woe! Alas! I am dead now!

SADIE
You can’t do that to him!

CLAUDIO
Ow! My eardrums! Did a banshee just scream?

SADIE
You killed him!

CLAUDIO
Ugh, your voice is too annoying—I must arrest you for disturbing the peace.

DANNY
But that doesn’t make sense.

CLAUDIO
What?

DANNY
She can’t help that she sounds like a howler monkey.

CLAUDIO
Shoots DANNY and blows off his arm. That’s what you get for taking the law into your own hands.

DANNY
Owie! I’m unarmed!

EVERYONE
Groans.

RANDOM GUY 2
That was terrible.

BETH
Wait, aren’t you supposed to be dead?

RANDOM GUY 2
Oh, sorry.

CLAUDIO
Now follow me, little girl. I have to show you who’s sheriff of this town…

BETH
County.

CLAUDIO
...county, sorry, and sic the lizards on you.

EVERYONE
NOT THE LIZARDS!

THE MAN WITH NO NAME
I won’t let you do that.

CLAUDIO
Who are you?

THE MAN WITH NO NAME
Wait, let me check the script. Looks at script. Crap!

RANDOM GUY 2
What’s the matter?

THE MAN WITH NO NAME
According to this, I have no name.

RANDOM GUY 2
Aww... sucks for you.

DANNY
Dammit, why can’t you just die?

CLAUDIO
Why can’t you just die?

DANNY
Because I’m hot and I’m supposed to be the cute one.

CLAUDIO
Well, let’s see whether this makes you cuter! Bang! Bang! Shoots randomly at DANNY.

DANNY
Ouch! But I am still alive!

CLAUDIO
How about now? Shoots more.

DANNY
Yep. Still alive.

CLAUDIO
Now? Shoots more.

DANNY
I feel dandy!

CLAUDIO
AHHH! MY LIFE IS FULL OF ANGST AND WOE.

THE MAN WITH NO NAME
Uh… the story is supposed to center around me.

DANNY
That’s what you think, buster. But obviously, I’m the cutest one and so therefore I get the story centered around me.

BETH
Actually… I think it’s about me and how I have sex with random guys.

DANNY AND CLAUDIO AND THE MAN WITH NO NAME
Ooooooooooooooooo…

SADIE
But… what about my singing career?

Enter Jacob.

JACOB
I’ll sign you!

SADIE
Yay!

CLAUDIO
Okay… now what did you have to say about sex again?

BETH
Um…

Enter Carolina.

CAROLINA
Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She guns down everyone with a machine gun and then runs off, leaving a pile of mangled bodies. She kills everyone except...

RANDOM GUY 2
I’m still alive!

DANNY
Shut up!

Suddenly, in another wonderful example of deus ex machina, the AUTHOR makes a 100 ton unicorn fall on everyone, killing DANNY and RANDOM GUY 2. Two other people emerge from the wreckage though…

PEARL
Where are we?

CHRISTIAN
Don’t ask.

Hilarious.

Snoink, you're going to have to explain this part to me:

And about I have sex with random guys.

Perhaps you meant "me having"?

Little-Lucy wrote:Snoink, you're going to have to explain this part to me:

And about I have sex with random guys.

Perhaps you meant "me having"?

Oops, thanks. It's supposed to be different and not so cluttered... I edited it in the version.

ROFL!!!

Literally tears in my eyes. My family thinks I have gone crazy, because I am laughing so hard. That was HILARIOUS!!!

Congrats on hilariousness. I loved it. Nothing wrong I could spot. Pearl and Christian were the perfect ending, that topped off the whole ridiculous play. Are you performing this skit anywhere? If not, you should. It's hilarious. Hilarious to read, but I'd like to see what it was like performed, too.

~Madame Kool

*dies laughing.*


"CLAUDIO
AHHH! MY LIFE IS FULL OF ANGST AND WOE. "

Best - Line - Ever.

That was great. And having Pearl and Christian at the end was perfect.

And yes, Reyu, Claudio's line is great.

Pure brilliance! I love it Snoink, it's hilarious. I think my favourite part is when the man with no name comes on. Poor guy. I can totally understand how he feels.

Hehe... That puts a new twist on the FREAK characters. "Claude" was most amusing in this.

I always knew that Daniel had vanity issues.





... In any event, this was just wonderful. ^_^

DANNY
Because it is a catchy line that sizzles of sexual tension and makes it clear that I am a prick, thus making my character have a flaw.

Hahahahaha, YES. That's awesome.

And no, Snoink, I don't think it's egotistical to write a parody of your own work. Who could find error better than the perfectionist authoress?

You rock, 'Rina dear.

I think that just about sums this up, 'Rina love. Entirely.

Loved it.

Nice. Funny. ahem... *Dies laughing*

Wait! I'm Still Alive!


XD

HAHAHAHA!!! OH MY GOD I CAN'T BREEEEEEEEATHE!!! I love your title. Even before I read it, I knew it was going to be awesome.
A work of absolute GENIUS!!!!

Dream Deep wrote:I always knew that Daniel had vanity issues.

Aw... but we love Danny!