Young Writers Society

I'm currently taking a Senior Directing/Script writing course, and our final project right now is to write a one act play. I love writing plays, so of course this is a really fun project for me! Anyways, I figured I'd share my first scene (and possibly the rest, when they're written), and get some critiques

The piece will take place completely in a living room setting. The cast is composed of four boys, Evan, Arty, Chet and Leon, as well as two girls, Michaela and Cassidy. The overall theme will be quite obvious, so I won't bother to explain it. I've purposefully set the script up somewhat like a screenplay as it is easier for me to write, and I find easier for actors to understand if some action is given. That's possibly just me though Any critiquing is welcome and very much appreciated!



MICHAELA: Really? (looking at wrist watch) It's nine o'clock in the morning and those four nerds are still playing video games? Have they all completely forgotten that they have lives to attend to?



CASSIDY: (yawning) Coffee's up Michaela. Hey, do you know what today is? It's the concert, and shopping! Oh I am so excited! Arty promised to buy me a new purse and some new pants and some new shoes. Is Chet going to buy you anything?

MICHAELA: Nope.

CASSIDY: No? Oh come on Michaela, you know Chet will buy you stuff, stop being so negative! (handing Michaela her mug upon receiving a glare.)

MICHAELA: No, Cassidy, he won't, and Arty isn't going to buy you anything either.

CASSIDY: Well, that's rude.

MICHAELA: What time did we go to bed last night? (continuing upon responding shrug) We went to bed at midnight, with those four idiots playing video games, telling us they'd "join us soon". But they didn't, Cassidy, because they stayed up all night with those horribly large controllers glued to their near-to-death hands as their fingers pushed meaningless colored buttons during their twenty-seven kill streak. Honestly Cassidy, they're hopeless!



CASSIDY: No way! (walking towards the boys) Arty!

ARTY: (not turning his attention away from the supposed T.V.) Awww, come on guys, we can do better than that! Retry! Let me grab the C4 this time!

CASSIDY: Arty.

ARTY: Leon, look behind you! No, don't die! Argh you noob!

LEON: Shut up Arty, stop getting me killed!

ARTY: Hey, that was your fault! Evan, grab me the C4, and Chet, get a better gun!

EVAN: On it.

CASSIDY:(getting impatient) Arty!

ARTY: Cassidy, babe, seriously. How many times do I have to- BAM! Did you guys see that blast? Pwned! -tell you that we can't pause live gaming? We're busy!

CHET: Tell Michaelea to get me a red bull.

LEON: I'd love some coffee.

EVAN: Order in some Chinese food too. You can grab some cash out of my wallet.

MICHAELA: (moving forward) Come on, guys! You've been playing this stupid game since yesterday afternoon. We have plans today, you know, and we'd like toa ttend to them at a normal hour.



CHET: Good job, Leon!

EVAN: Yeah, forty-one kill streak!

ARTY: Don't lose focus!

CASSIDY: (in a whiny tone) But Arty, you promised! I want that new purse, and I need those jeans! Arty, get off that game and come shopping!

MICHAELA: (grabbing hold of Cassidy) Come on, let's just go, they're obviously not coming.



EVAN: Wait!



CASSIDY: (cynically) Do you want anything?

EVAN: I have a serious craving for Chinese food, and the mall has the best restaurant in town.

CASSIDY: Fine! Where's your wallet?

EVAN: It's... oh. I'm sitting on it. Yeah, forty-seven kill streak! Alright, no one move, keep shooting!

CASSIDY: You four disgust me!



----

I apologize for any typos; I was trying to type this really fast as I'm running out of time.

I've been there before. It's funny how people can get so wrapped up in technology.
Anyway, I thought it was nice. Funny, well paced, and the characters seemed natural with one another. It didn't feel rushed, and you established a nice first scene.
I'm looking forward to more.

Hello there Final! Lily here to review you to death…well…maybe not to death but, you get what I’m saying, right.


First off, as far as typos go, I only spotted one actually.

and we'd like toa ttend to them at a normal hour.

See, it’s not even a very major thing, so congrats.


Another thing I had a little problem with is this chunk here.

MICHAELA: What time did we go to bed last night? (continuing upon responding shrug) We went to bed at midnight, with those four idiots playing video games, telling us they'd "join us soon". But they didn't, Cassidy, because they stayed up all night with those horribly large controllers glued to their near-to-death hands as their fingers pushed meaningless colored buttons during their twenty-seven kill streak. Honestly Cassidy, they're hopeless!

To me, this dialogue sounds very awkward and unrealistic. I mean, I know that play dialogue can normally sound a little awkward, but this sounds a little too forced and I would consider going over it again.


I had one last issue. (I know, I just can’t stop nitpicking. I’m sorry. )

But the thing that bothered me is that your four male characters are hard to distinguish from one another at this point. I mean, you have a lot of characters, and some of them don’t even do a whole lot. This might be something to look at from the point of an audience member. They might ask, (why so many guys.) I guess, the way I see you, you could be one less.

But this was otherwise well put together and I definitely got a chuckle out of it because I can be a total gaming dork myself. So I understand exactly what’s going on.

Good luck on the assignment!

~lilymoore

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism Lily

First off, thank you for pointing out my typo! I am terrible with those. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible for me to write a long piece without typo's. I'm, understandably, knowing as "the typo queen".

As for the dialog, I have gone over it and changed it. I thought it was a bit too wordy and awkward, so I made the revision and it's much better now!

As for the boys... when I first planned to write this play, I was originally going to make it about two girls and two guys, but the moer I got thinking about it, the more I realized (because I am also a gaming nerd) that boys normally game in herds of four. That also brought me to wanting to add in two more girls to keep it balanced, but I decided against it for obvious reasons: it would be way too crowded.

I also thought about removing one of the boys and making it a triangle of gaming nerdiness, but after much though, I decided to keep the fourth. The main idea of this play is to be about the two girls, Michaela and Cassidy, who live with their boyfriends, Arty and Chet, who always have their two friends over playing video games. I have altered the play to make this more apparent. Anyways, the first scene I designed to be more of a view of what the girls go through and "the last straw", so to speak. In the second scene, more character is established and by the end of the play, each character has their own quirks and personality.

Anyways, I am done the play now and am just doing small revisions. The rest should be up sometime in the next week or so!

My main concern for this scene is that I'm having trouble suspending disbelief. How old are the characters? Do they all live together? If not, it sort of sounds like it's Cassidy's or Michaela's house; why doesn't one of them tell the boys to go home? I understand that you're probably not going to address *every single one* of these things directly, but it will usually be apparent as long as you know the answers as the writer (and I might find out later in the play, too ^_^)

I'm also a little concerned about the gender setup. Not because all the boys are playing video games and all the girls are shopping, but because Cassidy relies on her boyfriend to buy her new clothes and new shoes (Cassidy literally whines when he won't buy her a new purse and jeans) and sometimes comes off as if she's then willing to wait on him hand and foot (shown by initially saying that she'll order Chinese food so he doesn't have to interrupt his video game). This is addressed to a certain extent by Michaela, and it seems like she's trying to talk some sense into Cassidy, but ultimately, at the end of the scene, I'm not sure that was the intention.

Of course, this could work itself out onstage, with Cassidy exaggerating dependence and Michaela exaggerating levelheadedness. It's just difficult to see on the page right now.

EDIT: Whoops; I just read your last comment and I have a few more things to add :

- I really like your "boys normally game in herds of four" theory. Definitely an lol moment!
- Don't worry about balancing the number of characters per gender. Otherwise it will probably end up being difficult and/or awkward to write.
- Is there a sort-of leader for the boy's team? I get the feeling from this scene that it's Arty just because he interacts the most with everyone else, but I'm not too sure. If there is a 'leader', make sure he gets a developed story.
- I see where you're going, but I still think you're going to need to change this scene a little more before all of these connections are apparent. As a reader new to this play, I didn't pick up on most of them. (e.g., "the last straw", living arrangements, character traits established).
- Also, I have no idea what the fundamental conflict is in this story, and how it will be resolved by the end. In short, I'm really unsure about the plot.

Nice idea you have here. I quite liked this scene. I wasn't actually going to post because I didn't have anything specific I wanted to say, but then I found your comment about boys playing video games in herds of four. xD That used to be true back when we played on the same tv in split-screen mode, but now that a lot of multiplayer games are played online, the number has risen.

Happy writing

Evil

With this, you have large chunks of characters speaking. It all reads as one solid thing, so maybe not where they pause?

I like it a lot )