Young Writers Society

This takes place right after Part 2 and concludes the play.

(Back at the park. DMITRI is sitting on the bench with his head in his hands. After a moment, BORIS and YAKOV enter.)

DMITRI: You’ve really done it this time.

BORIS: New American boss?

DMITRI: My name is Dmitri!!! (He springs up and points a gun at them)

YAKOV: Dmitri?

DMITRI: Yes. Don’t you recognize me?

YAKOV: I told you I was not interested, but that is no reason to kill us.

DMITRI: That is not –

BORIS: I thought you said to meet you at the New American taxi place.

DMITRI: Well, that would be true if it was not blown up! It turns out that somebody left a blowtorch on near a gas tank and my company is no more.

BORIS: You mean…

DMITRI: BOOM!!!

YAKOV: That too, is no reason to kill us; there must be some other way.

DMITIRI: You really don’t remember, do you?

YAKOV: Remember what!?

BORIS: I think he likes you.

YAKOV: I know that. Look, buddy we can be friends, but I am not interested.

DMITRI: No! That’s not it at all! Oh, what’s the use. Maybe I should just kill you now and be done with it. I can explain to the Vory later,

YAKOV: Wait! You are in the Vory?

DMITRI: It’s all coming back, well it’s too late now.

BORIS: Look, Bob –

DMITRI: DMITRI!!!

BORIS: I am pretty sure it starts with a New American ‘B’...

DMITRI: I think I know my own name!

BORIS: Whatever, Dmi-Bob, what I am trying to say is that I can fix!

DMITRI: No, you can’t. Whenever you try to ‘fix’, you make things worse. No. No more talking. I’m finishing this.

GLORIA: (Offstage) Stop!

DMITRI: What now!?

(Enter GLORIA and TATIANA)

GLORIA: Don’t kill him!

TATIANA: I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop her.

YAKOV: Gloria? You should leave. Is dangerous.

GLORIA: And let you die? I think not! I need my favorite test subject.

DMITRI: Look who decides to show up. You have no place here, Tatiana, you failed.

TATIANA: I would have succeeded if he hadn’t taken me out.

BORIS: (Recognizing TATIANA) McDonald’s lady? You are alive? That is great! I thought I had killed you! So, did I get the job?

TATIANA: No.

BORIS: I will start Monday, then.

DMITRI: Wait! I think I have a better idea than just outright killing you, Yakov.

YAKOV: Thank you?

DMITRI: I will humiliate you. Then kill you. Tatiana, make yourself useful and hold the others. I want to talk to Yakov. (TATIANA ushers BORIS and GLORIA out of the way) Tell me, do you really know who I am?

YAKOV: The name rings a bell, but I do not recognize the face.

DMITRI: Of course you wouldn’t. You only needed to know my name to ruin my life.

YAKOV: What are you… Oh you mean… That was you?

DMITRI: Yes, that was me.

BORIS: What?

DMITRI: You never told him, did you? Does he even know the real reason for you agreeing to leave with him?

BORIS: He wanted to experience New American dream!

DMITRI: You wish. Go on. Tell them, Yakov. Tell them how you ruined me!

YAKOV: Well, is like this... Oh, I really do not know how to say this, but... You see... I messed up a mission... From the Vory –

DMITRI: – And he blamed it all on me!

YAKOV: Hey, I was getting to that!

DMITRI: You were taking too long! As I was saying, he blamed his mess up on me. How did he succeed? Well, he’s full Russian and I’m half Russian. Who would you trust were you in the Vory? A full Russian mafia. As punishment, they stripped me of my rank and threw me here!

GLORIA: Is that true, Yakov?

YAKOV: Yes. Is true.

BORIS: What else are you not telling me?

YAKOV: I messed up again later on –

DMITRI: – And you had no one else to blame it on so before they found out, you left with Boris to ‘New America’. But they did find out, didn’t they? And they still want you alive! Well, that’s one order I can’t fill.

BORIS: I thought you really wanted to go with me.

YAKOV: No Boris, I did not. But I had no choice. Dmitri, is me you want, let Boris and Gloria go.

DMITRI: Very well, you two are as much the victim as I. Tatiana, let them go and come with me and Yakov. (TATIANA, DMITRI and YAKOV exit)

BORIS: I cannot believe this. (Goes to exit)

GLORIA: Where are you going?

BORIS: Taking whatever dignity I have left and leaving. You should too.

GLORIA: But Yakov needs us.

BORIS: No, he does not.

GLORIA: You’re his brother. He’d do the same for you. In fact, he did. If not for him, we’d be dead too.

BORIS: That is true... But he lied to me!

GLORIA: Yes, he did, but do you really want to leave him like that? I think he deserves one more chance, don’t you?

BORIS: (Pause) Do you still have mystery meat?

GLORIA: Yeah, why?

BORIS: I will explain, but follow. (They exit)

(YAKOV, TATIANA and DMITRI enter. They are still in the park. Within the next few lines, YAKOV should sneak off.)

DMITRI: (To TATIANA) You can leave now. (Gives her an envelope of money)

TATIANA: This isn’t my rate.

DMITRI: Why should I pay you fully if you didn’t do your job?

TATIANA: I did exactly what you said.

DMITRI: And you failed.

TATIANA: (Pulling gun) This is not negotiable.

DMITRI: You kill me and the Vory makes sure you don’t live long enough to enjoy that money. (She backs down) Good. And don’t get any ideas of messing with me or the public will know the real name behind the mask of ‘Tatiana the assassin’.

TATIANA: You don’t…

DMITRI: Don’t I? Mary.

TATIANA: Fine. (exit)

DMITRI: Now Yakov… (He predictably gone) What? How? YAKOV!!!

(YAKOV enters behind DMITRI and tries to take his gun. He fails miserably. In the resulting struggle, the gun is dropped. YAKOV bolts and DMITRI follows without the gun. A hilarious chase ensues with multiple Scooby-Doo-Esque entrances and exits with most if not all of the cast. Finally, DMITRI corners YAKOV)

DMITRI: Now I’ve got you.

(DMITRI backs YAKOV into a corner. GLORIA and BORIS enter with the infamous vat.)

BORIS: You know the plan? When I say ‘now’, you open the vat and I take Yakov and run.

GLORIA: Or we can use that. (Indicates gun)

BORIS: That could work. (He grabs the gun and walks up to DMITRI) We meet again, Dmi-Bob.

DMITRI: My name is Dmi – (GUN) Oh.

BORIS: We will take my brother back, thank you.

YAKOV: Just shoot him!

DMITRI: You’ve got me. (Starts approaching BORIS)

YAKOV: Do not let him get close!

BORIS: Stop right there!

DMITRI: (Doesn’t stop) Why should I? You have won. You can take me to the authorities and be done with me.


YAKOV: Shoot!

(BORIS pulls the trigger and nothing happens)

YAKOV: Turn off the safety, Boris.

BORIS: Safety? What is a New American safety?

DMITRI: It’s that little switch on the side.

BORIS: Oh, thank you. Wait.

(DMITRI is on top of BORIS. BORIS reacts by punching DMITRI. Before he can recover, BORIS pistol-whips him to the ground. DMITRI is defeated and BORIS drops the gun)


BORIS: I told you to stop. Come on Yakov, we should leave and I for one am tired of saving you.

YAKOV: Uhh, yeah. And thank you, Boris. For coming back. You did not have to.

BORIS: That is what brothers are for. Come on, Gloria. (BORIS and YAKOV exit)

GLORIA: I’ll be right there! (DMITRI struggles up and GLORIA is waiting with a spoonful of ‘mystery meat’) How does this taste to you? (She shoves the spoon into his mouth and he promptly faints again. GLORIA tastes it) You’re right, it needs more salt. (Exit)

(Back at GLORIA’s. BORIS and YAKOV are at the table. GLORIA is with the vat)

YAKOV: So Boris, you never told me the real reason for coming back to me.

BORIS: It was because I could never leave a brother to be killed like that.

GLORIA: I convinced him.

BORIS: And that.

YAKOV: Whatever the reason, I am grateful.

BORIS: And everything is back to normal.

YAKOV: Except we are still homeless –

GLORIA: And you don’t have a job –


BORIS: Like I said! Back to normal.

GLORIA: Dinner’s ready!

YAKOV: Oh, I have just remembered, I have to finish something at the school. (exit)

BORIS: And I have to… I have to… Your cooking is deadly. (QUICK exit)

GLORIA: More for me then.

BLACK OUT

BORIS: New America!!!

END!