Young Writers Society

This is a Ramble I've been thinking about for a new idea I had for a futuristic police thriller that doesn't suck.

( John walks into office he's wearing a black leather coat with a hoody underneath, jeans and some sneakers perfect for the rainy climate. The office is large with books strewn across it. the office is furnished with leather and armchairs wooden wall and desk. The office has a brilliant view of the super modern city of London that ruin the rustic feel of the office. through a half closed door John can see a used bed. John walks into the room knocking twice as he dose, the bedroom is more modern with limestone floors and another panoramic view of the city ,from the window the river Thames is visible. By the middle of the window their are a set of drawers and Mr Veck or Ray as John calls him is getting dressed he is currently fiddling with some gold cuff links.)

John: Hello Ray (Ray doesn't react until John pushes some books off the bed so he can sit down)

Ray: Did I say you could sit down?

John: (ignores him) sleeping at work again, these beds are for people who live in a huge mansion in the suburbs an hours drive away not for men like you who in a huge penthouse one tube station away.

Ray: I have a big case today that I had to get ready for last night, a case which I'm sure your here to talk to me about.

John: your going to put him away right

Ray: being the prosecutor I would think the answer to that question would be rather self evident

John: (ignoring Ray point) Ironic really spends his entire life raping and murdering mother's and their daughters and he gets arrested when he decides to let some of his victims go after he rape's them.

Ray: (Bitterly as he finally put the cuff links on and start struggling with his tie.) Whats Ironic John is that I have a beautiful wife, I have beautiful children, I have a nice house and car, even this office has a nice view but I can't appreciate it because god took away my eyes. (Ray turns around to face John revealing empty sockets were his eyes should be.)

John: You lost your eyes to a mugger with a knife that sold them of ebay, that a lot less grand than god. ( John sarcasm annoys Ray who turns back to face the city.)

Ray: yes but I feel like was sending me a message, I use to be the biggest defence lawyer this side of the Atlantic I made sure the dealer and the murders, the paedos and the rapist all went out. The longest time one of my clients ever served was six years and he was up of charges of murdering, raping and mutilating . An here's the the good part, the guy that mugged me when he dived his knife into my eyes I saw his face. do you know what I thought( John shakes his head as Ray pauses)

Ray: not you bastard I'm going to get you no I thought hey don't I know you, ha, the last face I ever saw was the face of the men I'd help keep out of Jail, saw his face smiling as he made me blind.

John: Sorry Ray

Ray:and now I only do cases I know that have innocent people involved or put away the worst, not that it make it much better atoning for my sins in such away.

John: how come?

Ray: it's just attrition

Hey!

I've never reviewed a script before and I'm not entirely sure how to go about doing it, so... here goes!

John walks into office he's wearing a black leather coat with a hoody underneath, jeans and some sneakers perfect for the rainy climate. The office is large with books strewn across it. the office is furnished with leather and armchairs wooden wall and desk. The office has a brilliant view of the super modern city of London that ruin the rustic feel of the office. through a half closed door John can see a used bed. John walks into the room knocking twice as he dose, the bedroom is more modern with limestone floors and another panoramic view of the city ,from the window the river Thames is visible. By the middle of the window their are a set of drawers and Mr Veck or Ray as John calls him is getting dressed he is currently fiddling with some gold cuff links.)

Remember, a script is written to be performed, not read. These stage directions here would make a good story opening, but that's not what you need. All these opening stage directions need to do is give a basic description for the director/producer/whoever and set the scene. So you can get rid of all adverbs unless strictly necessary, and any details that aren't relevant to the scene (that includes clothes). It might go something along the lines of, "John knocks on door and walks into rustic, leather furnished office with view over city of London. Ray is fiddling with gold cuff links." Just a simple, sparse paragraph.

John: (ignores him) sleeping at work again, these beds are for people who live in a huge mansion in the suburbs an hours drive away not for men like you who in a huge penthouse one tube station away.

Again, just little formatting things, but you need to capitalise the first letter of a line of dialogue.

Also, and this applies to the whole thing, not just the highlighted quote, try and punctuate your sentences so that it sounds like natural dialogue. Try reading the lines to yourself and seeing where you pause, then you know where to put commas. And remember to put capital letter, full stops, question marks etc where needed.

As for the overall idea and characters, I like it. Their personalities came across well, especially Ray, and I can see the part where Ray turns round and reveals he's blind being very effective on a TV show or film. You set up the plot and Ray's back story well, without it sounding too forced or unnatural. I hope you keep going with this, and with a bit of formatting it could be something really good!