Young Writers Society

I wrote this in collaboration with my girlfriend. So the credit isn't all for me, but we both do want some input before we even think about maybe putting it on stage. This is a stage play, not a movie script, so the minimilist set is on purpose. It looks long, but most of the lines are very short, so don't feel too intimidated by it. If it turns out to be too long, I will divide it up more.

Characters: COLBY – Male. Teenager. The leader
NATHAN – Male. Teenager. The muscle
MELLISSA – Female. Teenager. The high school girl
JUNO – Female. Teenager. The doctor

(The scene opens in an abandoned General Store. The lights are dim and flickering due to a recent power outage. The distant terror screams of people can be heard along with gunshots and moaning. COLBY is pacing the area clearly disturbed by the sounds. NATHAN sits on a box looking at his shot gun. He seems undeterred by them. Every time COLBY goes to talk, a gunshot or a scream or a moan seems to stop him. Finally, NATHAN puts his gun down)

NATHAN: Would you lighten up a bit?

COLBY: What?

NATHAN: Lighten up a bit. Leaders don’t show fear. Unless you don’t wanna be a leader anymore.

COLBY: We’ve already been over this, Nathan.

NATHAN: Well, I don’t think we have. Not just yet. We are stuck with each other for the next little while; I think we should have a suitable leader.

COLBY: Where are they?

NATHAN: The girls? They’re fine. That Mellissa one may be a bit of a priss, but Juno has a good head. And she’s tough.

COLBY: Still… It’s been too long.

NATHAN: The place is empty. I made sure of it, now would you quit being such a pansy?

COLBY: We’re surrounded by the undead, how can I not be nervous?

NATHAN: A leader does not show fear –

(JUNO enters carrying a heavy box and puts it down at the door.)

JUNO: Would you two stop fighting for once and just watch the door? Getting on each other’s nerves isn’t going to help us.

NATHAN: That’s all? One box?
JUNO: I don’t see you helping.

NATHAN: I cleared the place, what more do you want?

JUNO: Point and shoot, real hard.

NATHAN: It is.

(MELLISSA enters with a box of candy bars. She takes one out and hands it to COLBY)

MELLISSA: We found these in the back.

NATHAN: Great! (To JUNO) See? She’s pulling her weight.

MELLISSA: You should see what’s in her box before you start being an ass.

NATHAN: We have a mutiny on our hands here. Cutesy Mellissa just gone and grew herself some balls.

MELLISSA: I’ll show you balls! (Goes to punch NATHAN)

COLBY: Everybody stop!

JUNO: Both of you are being childish... and Nathan, (smacks him across the face) you'd best smarten up before I clean your mouth out with soap.

COLBY: Um… That isn’t helping matters.

NATHAN: It was a joke you old hag.

JUNO: I’m only 18!!

COLBY: Guys! SHUT UP! (They do) Thank you. We need to work as a team through this. If we start arguing, you know as well as I do that the zombies won’t care. They’ll just kill us.

NATHAN: Then take charge.

COLBY: I’m trying to, but you all are too busy arguing. Now, Juno, what do you have?

JUNO: Well, I found some ammo. Actually, there is enough in this store to last us a good couple of months –

MELLISSA: And food too!!

JUNO: And that. Mostly junk though.

MELLISSA: I’m not complaining.

JUNO: We are going to need to scout later. We can’t live off it. Oh, I also found some vinegar spilt on the floor next to a dead zombie.

NATHAN: And? Why should we care what you found next to a dead zombie?

JUNO: It wasn’t killed by bullets.

NATHAN: Are you saying the vinegar did it?

JUNO: Actually, yes.

NATHAN: That doesn’t make any sense.

JUNO: (holds up spray bottle) It’s going to need some testing, but my theory is that zombies are killed by the acidity of vinegar, so I took it a step up and mixed in chili peppers, rubbing alcohol, and window cleaner.

COLBY: If that’s true, then we may be able to live off of our ammo supply for a lot longer than a few months.

JUNO: A few years maybe.

COLBY: Good work Juno. We should make some more of that then.

JUNO: This entire box is filled with the stuff. Mellissa filled up her box with food and water. Nathan, you’re going to have to get your own ammo.

NATHAN: Good. You don’t know what I need, anyways. (Exit)

COLBY: Right now, how are we on power? Did you find a backup generator yet?

MELLISSA: Yeah, it’s in the basement.

JUNO: Electronics are not our expertise. I didn’t want to power us down completely.

COLBY: Probably for the best. I’ll go get it.

JUNO: But first, we need to talk about Nathan.

MELLISSA: He’s an asshole!

JUNO: That’s probably the best way to put it. Are you sure about him?

COLBY: No. But he doesn’t want to die any more than we do. For the time being, we are going to have to put up with him. When we find another settlement, we can discuss it further. If that happens at all.

MELLISSA: Can’t we just kill him? No one will care. There is no more law. Just say he was infected.

JUNO: As much as I want to do that as well… No. Colby is right.

MELLISSA: Well, you know the food won’t last forever and…

COLBY: Are you proposing that we eat him?

JUNO: You didn’t get bitten by a zombie, did you?

MELLISSA: No! But none of us like him and I’m tired of eating canned meat!

COLBY: Well, I’d best get to that generator and get it running before we completely lose power. I will be back soon. Try not to kill each other. Juno, deal with her. (Exit)

JUNO: Uhh… Sure. Mellissa, you know that isn’t a good reason for cannibalism, and as much as I hate to admit it he is our best shooter.

MELLISSA: I was kidding about the cannibalism. Plus, our best shooter was Cameron.

JUNO: Yes he WAS our best shooter but he's not here anymore, you have to accept that.

MELLISSA: he might still be out there and not infected! You didn't see what happened to him –

JUNO: He died. Along with everybody else in our lives, and you need –

MELLISSA: SHUT UP! You don’t know that for sure! He could still be out there. Alone. And not infected!

JUNO: Mellissa, there is no way that he could be alive. You hear me, no way! You have to accept that and help those of us that are still alive.

MELLISSA: What’s the use? You said it yourself, everybody is dead. We will join them too. Might as well have some fun and kill Nathan before we do end up dying.

JUNO: that won’t help matters and you know it. There’s no use taking out your anger by killing one of the few people that are still alive.

MELLISSA: Oh don't think you're so high and mighty, little miss med student.

JUNO: You are starting to sound just like Nathan!

MELLISSA: (Pause) I’m sorry, Juno. It’s just… Frustrating to not know what’s going to happen. To always be thinking that you are going to die at any moment.

JUNO: It’s hard on all of us. Trust me, I’ve had those kinds of thoughts too, and I can guarantee you that Colby has as well. I’m sure even Nathan has --

NATHAN: (Off stage) Hoooweee!!

JUNO: As hard as that is to believe.

NATHAN: (Off stage) Lookie at what I found! (Enters with a large sword) Melee weapons!

JUNO: How is that useful?

NATHAN: You’d be surprised.

MELLISSA: Oh joy. You found another weapons to drool over. Our hero.

NATHAN: Damn right. And, at least I’m not a weepy pansy ass.

MELLISSA: Trigger happy prick!

NATHAN: Spineless tramp!

MELLISSA: Shit for brains!

JUNO: Children! (Smacks both in the head) Play nicely. Or I’ll feed you both to the undead.
NATHAN: Whatever.

(Lights flicker on brighter than usual)

NATHAN: About time.

MELLISSA: Quit whining you little bitch!

JUNO: Mellissa!

MELLISSA: Sorry. (Sits down.)

JUNO: Nathan, did you find what you need?

NATHAN: Yeah, but I won’t be needed to make a trip down there for a couple of days at least. At least I know we have it. If your little concoction doesn’t work, at least we have a defense.

COLBY: (Entering) I got the generator running. No one’s dead, I hope.

JUNO: Not for lack of trying.

COLBY: Huh?

JUNO: Never mind.

COLBY: Well, I found an underground tunnel as well. Don’t know where it goes, but if need be, we can use it to get away.

NATHAN: Sure that’s a good idea?

COLBY: What do you mean?

NATHAN: It could lead right into the middle of a whole whack of those dead things.

COLBY: Zombies.

MELLISSA: Think maybe we should board it up in case the zombies get through?

NATHAN: See, even she knows what I mean.

MELLISSA: And what’s that supposed to mean?

NATHAN: That you’re slow, but not as slow as our ‘fearless leader’.

JUNO: Nathan! (Smacks him) Do I have to put you in the corner or something? What are you, 5?

COLBY: (clears throat) can we focus? Good! I suppose you're right, but we don’t want to completely block it off. Mellissa, you go with Nathan –

JUNO: What are you, an idiot? I’ll go with Nathan.

COLBY: Oh right... Don’t want Mellissa going all Rambo on Nathan

NATHAN: What?

JUNO: Just move. (Pushes NATHAN off.)

NATHAN: (Before exit) I hate to admit it, but Juno’s right. You are an idiot. (Exit)

Hi, I'm Nephthys, and I will be your reviewer today.

TheGreatIthy wrote:The lights are dim and flickering due to a recent power outage.

You don't need that bit.

TheGreatIthy wrote:NATHAN: Lighten up a bit. Leaders don’t show fear. Unless you don’t wanna be a leader anymore.

Not a fan of this line. I know that you want to establish that Colby is the leader, but maybe you could do it in a less obvious way? Also, read at the bottom for my general suggestions that might fix this.

TheGreatIthy wrote:COLBY: We’re surrounded by the undead, how can I not be nervous?

Another bit of awkward exposition.

TheGreatIthy wrote:Oh, I also found some vinegar spilt on the floor next to a dead zombie.

Ah! I'm dying of exposition!

I think that a zombie apocalypse is a great idea for a play!

One thing that I don't think works about this script is that you spend a lot of time on awkward exposition. I would suggest starting the play earlier in the story, so we can see all of the characters meet, see the guy that dies die, and see the dead zombie with the vinegar. I think that would make the start of the play much more interesting.

Hope this was helpful!

Hi there! My name is Esther and I shall be reviewing you (two?)today.

Nice, interesting play concept. I know there are zombie plays out there but I haven't read any of them, so this was a pleasure for me.

Nitpicks/things I liked:

(The scene opens in an abandoned General Store. The lights are dim and flickering due to a recent power outage. The distant terror screams of people can be heard along with gunshots and moaning. COLBY is pacing the area clearly disturbed by the sounds. NATHAN sits on a box looking at his shot gun. He seems undeterred by them. Every time COLBY goes to talk, a gunshot or a scream or a moan seems to stop him. Finally, NATHAN puts his gun down)

This could be condenced into something much shorter and economical. Right now, it kind of reads like a story rather than a setting. Look through it and see if any parts are unneeded for the description.

JUNO: Children! (Smacks both in the head) Play nicely. Or I’ll feed you both to the undead.
NATHAN: Whatever.

I liked this! Put a space between Nathan's and Juno's lines though

I'm going to point out some of the flaws that you had, and do my best to help you fix them. Each point will be marked with an arrow. Here we go!

Your pace is very slow

It's difficult to get into a play's mindset sometimes, and we often go into full out movie mode. You can't do that, however. In this script so far, you seem to take long meanders into unneeded conversations. Also, you seem to put extra dialogue into the script just to give it more meat. Often, what you have to say does not progress the plot, but only hinders it. Third golden rule of writing: If what your character is saying does not A: Progress the plot, or B: develops character, GET RID OF IT. (I put that it caps because it seems I have to say this a lot. ) In movies, we generally have more time to meander a little. But plays are expected to move rather quickly. The audiences attention span with a play is actually quite short, and if you don't give them interesting bits they get disenterested really fast. Look through your script and see if there is any place where what your characters are saying doesn't advance the plot or develops character.

Your plot has begun too late

Yes, I like what is going on at the moment, but I would like it a whole lot more if I knew what the setting was, how it happened, and how the characters got there. If you thrust an audience into a story where they have no idea what is going on, they will get bored. Simple as that. You don't have to give a full blown situation before hand, but take the time to develop the story a little before hand. How did these people get together? What caused the zombie out break? Keep these questions in mind as you progress the story, and be sure to tell us. You can't just go, "Oh, zombies walk the earth for no reason, deal with it."

You should take the time to set your characters apart in your mind.

Let's face it, I know it is difficult to make characters different in one scene, but I think you could have done a tad better. Nathan and Mell seem exactly the same. Exactly! You said earlier that she is prissy, but she seems like a typical heavy hitter chick to me. In other words, Nathan. Edit their speech patterns so they talk differently. I like Colby and Juno, although Colby just seems to hang around and Juno seems to take pleasure in slowing down the plot.


OVERALL:

I liked this a lot. Really. The only issue you have is that you have thrown us into a story without any before hand explaination. A little info will go a long way, trust me. You don't have to have three scenes dedicated to their meeting.

I don't care if any of the characters die. That's not good, especially in a zombie story. Work on making the way they talk different. Cut out some of the curse words, because they grate more on stage than they do on film.

I think that's it! Keep it up!

Wow im an small Actor and i have to say LOVE IT! i would do it myself. lol Keep up the good work

very good so far. the only thing i don't like is that it is a bit slow paced but still good.

Your title caught my attention.
I LOVE zombies! and horror stuff!
I actually can see myself being juno... Juno is a lot like me.
Anyways, i loved this play.
Please post up the rest soon... please
CAN'T WAIT! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!