LOKI
Alright, bird. Talk or die.
(He holds a knife to the raven)CUT TO:
INT. THE GRAND HALLS OF THE AESIR. DUSK.
LOKI releases the RAVEN. It flies down the corridor, into:
Everything before this has been flawless and fantastically written. Here I think either I'm not getting the whole picture, or there was a frame jump that I missed. He grabs the raven and asks him to talk to him, and the releases it? It almost seems like you needed to introduce a character to tie him to the story, but did so in the most awkward and obviously contrived way possible. Also, it seems weird that he'd need to raise a knife against a bird, seeing as one could simply squeeze a bird to death.
ODIN
Well, my friends? What news have you got for me today?
I assume that Odin is talking to the birds, but you don't really specify.
She looks to one side, in time to see a small OLD MAN come around the corner, carrying an enormous bag of soup cans. Gwendolyn smiles - he is right on schedule.
I'm not sure with scripts, but is writing such as "he is right on schedule" something that would appear in a script? Because a script is a narrative without the mystery? Also, if she knows who the old man is, wouldn't the old man have a name?
The sequence repeats a couple of times: library, bus stop, clock, old man, bus. The first day, Gwendolyn is late, so she speed-walks. The next it is snowing heavily. The third day, she staggers under the weight of many shopping bags.
Not quite sure what you're trying to say here, and I don't know if scripts are allowed to take short cuts like that?
GWENDOLYN
I'm certain that you're mistaking me for someone else.
Would a real person talk like this? Don't over-dramatise what your characters say. They're only human, after all.
For a first part I think this is quite interesting. You seem to have a talent for writing scripts, but I ask why you chose this medium when your descriptive writing is beyond average. With your writing ability, I think it's almost a shame you're writing this as a script and not a sweeping fantasy saga
On to the next part.
- Jai
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Well, sorry about this, but I didn't realise that all your parts were under the same topic! I'll continue the rest of my reviews here.
II.
Gwendolyn goes into the dining room where UNCLE NORVILLE, AUNT LIANE and BESSIE, 7 are already assembled. She puts the potatoes on the full table, and takes her seat.
I found it odd that you gave the age of Bessie, but not the other two.
AUNT LIANE
Norville! It's important to study the myths. They're a
part of our history. My great-uncle Valborg was quite
a well-known scholar of mythology, you know. He-
I feel as if you're trying to spoon feed the watcher. Yes, this script is supposed to revolve around mythology, but does it need to be so obviously pointed out? Perhaps Bessie could have watched a movie at the cinemas, something like Titans. I know that in all the schools I attended, we did not study mythology.
AUNT LIANE
What's this I'm hearing about our dear Noah?
(Coming back into the room. Excitedly.)
Does Gwendolyn have something to tell us?
Speech seems forced, unnatural. Also, with an awkward name like Gwendolyn, I would have quickly acquired a nick name, Gwen etc.
SOPHIE
I don't like potatoes.CUT TO:
I don't quite understand the situation here. I don't think it's very believable. Gwen is obviously not the daughter or sister to Bessie/Sophie, so why is she cooking dinner for them? My family don't get together unless there's a special occasion, and I think, once again, you're introducing characters to your story when it doesn't really seem like you need to. For example, is Sophie even necessary to this scene?
NOAH
(shakily)
Good Afternoon, Miss Strom.
GWENDOLYN
(Sliding the book onto the shelf)
I've told you a million times - it's Gwendolyn! What
brings you to the library today? More books for Isabella?
NOAH
Actually, the reason for my presence is entirely
separate from my niece, Miss -Gwendolyn.
Sorry, but I assumed this was the modern era. Who talks like that? Why would Gwen marry someone who doesn't even call her by her first name?
GWENDOLYN
(Taking a deep breath)
Um, okay?
This seems weird. Noah is absolutely formal about asking Gwen to marry him, but he doesn't drop to one knee and present her with a ring?
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III.
GWENDOLYN comes through the front door and removes her outerwear.
BESSIE trundles towards her and attacks her with a hug.
I really think this needs to be explained. Perhaps at the dinner in the previous part.
"Oh Gwen, I'll miss you when you move out to marry that gentlemen, but it's about time you got your own house!"
SOPHIE
(As she's being led away)
I don't like going to the dentist.
I had a quick look over the reviews, and someone mentioned that they hear canned laughter whenever Sophie says anything. I do too.
BESSIE
How do you spell "pulchritude"?
This 7 year old girl recently said, "RAWR, IMMA FROST GIANT!" And now she remembers the word "pulchritude"? Doesn't match up. I don't even know what pulchritude means. And I don't think a 7 year old would be expected to know what it meant either.
Noah is tongue-tied. He hasn't prepared an answer. Gwendolyn takes pity on him.
I would never marry a man like this. No offence but you make him out to be an absolute loser with no appealing characteristics.
NOAH
May I kiss you?
GWENDOLYN
Well, seeing as we're going to be married, I don't
think that's an entirely unreasonable request.
(Noah looks confused. Gwendolyn sighs.)
Yes, you may.
... Modern day, yes? I believe this is possibly the only EVER incident of the above occurring. Hardly anyone believes in no-sex before marriage anymore, and I'd go out on a limb and say it is a terrible idea. What if you married someone and they absolutely sucked at having sex? You'd have know if you had tried before you bought.
GWENDOLYN
(Nervously reaching for her shovel)
I don't think that will be necessary. If you have business
with my aunt or uncle, tell me your name and I will
announce you.
Once again, language one does not use in real life.
LOKI
(Enjoying the feeling of absolute power for once)
A god.
Loki sweeps past her, up the stairs and into the house.
Gwendolyn sits, defeated.
Wow, Gwen is a push over.
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IV.
Sophie flips her hair, bats her eyelashes and laughs much too loudly at everything that he says.
How old is Sophie?
AUNT LIANE:
And would you believe this - his mentor was a colleague
of my great-uncle Valborg! What are thechancesodds?
LOKI
But you're to be Mrs. Andersen soon, are you not?
The obedient wife of a middle-class shoe
salesman. Is that really what you want?
I didn't bring it up earlier, but what exactly is a shoe salesman? In Australia we only have car salesmen. People can buy shoes wherever they want, and I don't think anyone ever applies to be a "shoe salesman" at a shoe store.
I feel as if Gwen gave up too easily regarding her fight to get away. She's accepting what's happening too easily. I would have screamed bloody murder.
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V.
LOKI
No. I'm useful.
(Beat)
It turns out that time doesn't heal all wounds.
Not these ones.
As I mentioned earlier, I could see this story as a fantastic novel, and I'm kind of sad that you've chosen script writing as your medium.
LOKI
What's the matter Thor- someone steal
your thunder?
lol
He sees Gwendolyn, and for a moment, the whole room is still. Then he drops to his knees in front of her, and grabs her hands, almost speechless.
So Gwen was right near the door? Or did Balder teleport?
ODIN
No. That I cannot allow. Your interests rest far
too deep in this matter. Anyone else?
Odin is authoritative, and then allows someone else to take up the authority? Why didn't he just delegate the job to Idun?
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Well. This was an interesting story. I have no idea where you're going with this, but I did enjoy reading it. I'm going to have dinner now, so I'll post the rest of my thoughts after.
Please don't hesitate to request more reviews from the Dynamic Duo
- Jai
Gender:
Points: 22732
Reviews: 377