Young Writers Society

Naturally is a teen comedy about the life of Hadley Parker, a girl trying to live a normal life in the fictional town of Tribeca, New York. Together with her best freind's Nan & Soup she trys to handle situations any regular 14 year old could face, while working with out pay at her family- owned buisness, Jammin Juice, or The Double J for short.

CHARACTERS:
Hadley Parker: 14 years old.Female. Lead role.
Janice Fade: Hadley's rival. Sophmore in high school. Asprirng actress.
Nan E.: Hadley's best freind. Gothic.Female. 14 years old.
Soup Rogers: Hadley's other best freind. Eccentric. 14 years old.
Josh Parker: Hadley's older brother. Junior in high school. 16 years old.
Lily Parker: Hadley's mother. Owner of Jammin' Juice.
Tom Parker: Hadley's father. Owner of Jammin' Juice.

Naturally
Season 1 Episode 1:
First Day Of High School (Pilot)
TEASER
(FADE IN- FOSTER’S ACADEMY- INSIDE- NAN stuffs books, & other various items in her locker when HADLEY, walks up to her.)
HADLEY:
Nan!
NAN:
Hadley!
(The two girls hug & adlib, “so good to see you” etc.)
NAN:
I thought you wouldn’t show up.
HADLEY:
Please, the only reason I came to school today was because my parents forced me on the bus.
(The girls laugh, when SOUP walks up to them.)
SOUP:
Hello, ladies.
HADLEY:
Soup, looking better than ever.
SOUP:
Well I did take a bath for the first time in three weeks!
(SOUP laughs hysterically, while the girls stare in disgust. SOUP finally notices after a large amount of laughing.)
SOUP (nervous):
He he, kidding!
(JANICE & her crew walk up to the trio.)
JANICE:
Well, well, if it isn’t the little seventh graders.
(JANICE’S crew laughs at the joke.)
JANICE:
Just to let you know the seventh grade classes are on the 1st floor.
(The crew laughs again.)
NAN:
Okay could you shut up!
(The crew suddenly stops.)
(JANICE scoots up to the girls.)

JANICE:
Look, this is my turf, so just back off okay.
(JANICE & her crew walk off in disgust.)
HADLEY:
I’m not just gonna stand here & get bullied liked that.
(HADLEY walks up to JANICE.)
HADLEY:
Yo, girl!
JANICE:
My name is Janice like you should even know.
HADLEY:
Well then, Janice I’d like to tell you that I’m very popular.
JANICE:
And, how’s that?
HADLEY:
Well- my dad, he’s um.. a..
(JANICE shrugs her shoulders.)
HADLEY:
He’s a movie producer. Yeah that’s it, he did both Transformers movies.
JANICE:
Well, that’s awesome! I’d love to have your dad come to my theater class on Friday. That wouldn’t be a problem would it?
HADLEY (nervously):
Oh no, I’m sure he’d love to come talk to your class.
JANICE:
Cool, see ya there.
(JANICE snaps her fingers, & her crew walks off.)
NAN:
Hadley, how could you do that? You know your dad owns the most popular hangout in town.
SOUP:
Yeah, I mean how could Janice not see him there before Friday?
HADLEY:
Don’t worry as long as I keep my dad on low cover, everything will be fine. I’ll just make an excuse for why he can’t come, & everything will be fine.)
(SWITCH TO- EXT.-OUTSIDE Jammin’ Juice (The Double J)- TOM PARKER, HADLEY’S father announces business outside the shop.)
TOM:
Big sale at the Double J! All smoothies half off! That’s right folks all smoothies half off! Come get your smoothies.
(The camera pans to HADLEY at the top of the steps that lead to the plaza.)

HADLEY:
OK, so this officially became very hard.
(CUE INTRO)

More tommorow! Feedback please!

Hey,

First off, it is hard to take seriously in how it's written. I'll give you an example.

NAN:
I thought you wouldn’t show up.
HADLEY:
Please, the only reason I came to school today was because my parents forced me on the bus.

This bit would make an audience laugh or smile at least, but reading it and trying to edit is a nightmare. I would di it as such;
NAN:I thought you wouldn’t show up.
HADLEY:Please, the only reason I came to school today was because my parents forced me on the bus.


It is a lot easier to read and looks more profesional.

On the actual context it was okay, very early teen audiences, it feels like it would be a show on Disney Channel, but it would work there. But, nothing special has happened yet, no major hook, unless I've missed something, if I have tell me

Drop me a note when the next is up and i'll review again.

Keep it up and PM me for anything.

~Retro Disco666

I think this plot has a lot of potential to it, there are just a few things that could be fixed. For example, for me, some of the dialogue was unnatural. For example.

HADLEY:
I’m not just gonna stand here & get bullied liked that.
...
JANICE:
My name is Janice like you should even know.

I don't hear anyone talking to themselves when I go down the hall, and when I do hear people talk it doesn't sound like that. I guess it would be alright if she were alone to have her express her feelings out loud, but I think since she has her friends with her you should take advantage of that fact. You could have it go:
HADLEY: (looks at friends) Are we just going to stand here and let them talk to us like that?
(Nan and Soup exchange glances and then nod)
HADLEY: Well I'm not! (approaches Janice) Hey you!
JANICE: (whips around to face Hadley, irritated.) The name's Janice.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I think you should be careful with your dialogue and try to make it sound like something you would hear normal people say on any given day. And I know that is difficult. That is what I struggle most with when I write is trying to get something that sounds natural. That's why I like places like this because usually someone else can spot those types of issues more easily. However, I think this could get interesting. Please tell me when you put out another one. I would love to read that one as well.

HI scriptguy

I like this. I think your dialogue is very good and solid. There a quite a few witty moments and idea's in here and that's the part you should e working on it.
However the concept is holding it down. The idea of a teenage girl trying to figure out who she is very clichéd and the main idea of heaps of teen movies. Also the idea of a rival who is very cool and glamorous is much overused. I think you should try adding more of a twist to this story, add some quirks that it will set it apart from the rest.
In conclusion I think you should work on your story format but you have a very good skill with dialogue and that's the thing you should stick with.

See you around

It's alright, but like others have said, it does sound like a Disney TV show and unfortunately I hate Disney :/ If you want to make the context more grown up, ditch out the Hannah Montana laughs and through in some raw, self made comedy without making it cheesy which I think lowers my thoughts about this script. It's good for the younger generation, just not so much for me. x