Young Writers Society

Every now and then I find myself sitting under my bed with tears rolling out of my eyes. My whole body will be rocking and shaking and soon my lungs will start burning. No matter how much they burn I still can’t do anything about it. I can’t tell the people that hurt me that I have feelings or stand up for myself. I always just stand there and take in every word and every blow. No matter how much they hurt or sting I will never do anything but sit under my bed and cry.
It’s your fault. Why do you have to be so stupid? You’re a freak. He likes me better. No one likes you. I hate you. You’re fat!
I always think they are my friends, but in the end they just use me. Someone cooler and more popular will come along and I will be left alone, behind. One day you won’t be able to talk to me like I’m trash. You won’t be able to think that you’re better than me. You won’t be able to push me, throw me down.
Just kidding.
I know myself better than that. I will stay under my bed and cry and in the morning I will smile and act like I love life. When in reality all I want is an escape. I’m tired of being a wimp. I’m tired of wallowing in my own self pity. I just want to be out of the darkness, out of this hatefulness.

This is a well written emotional piece. I right pieces like this so I know where you're coming from. The mistake people often make while writing things like this is making it seem fake. I didn't get that impression with this. I can't tell whether it's real or not (I hope it isn't ) and that's a good thing. Second paragraph was a little confusing but I understand what you were trying to but. Try using italics and it will make it less confusing.

Overall this is a good piece

Veritas

Hi Zinger! Ish here to review. ^^

First of all, I agree with Veritas on what was said about the emotion being very obvious in the piece, and the way it was written itself was good. The sentences meshed, there were no gramatical or punctuation errors that I could find, which is good. There was, however, a lot that I didn't like about the piece.

Like anybody else would, I understand how painful things like this can be, and I definitely know how strong the urge can be to try and write something about it (I have written things about it, actually). Whether it's something based on how you're feeling now, or how a friend is feeling, or if it was just a spur-of-the-moment excersize, it's obviously relateable to the majority of the human species.

The thing is that it's all angst, and not much more. It just seems like a piece that was written while you're loathing around in self-pity, wishing that the world would just end already. Honestly, the way you phrase things and what you've put into the piece itself sounds more like whining than anything heart-felt. I have yet to meet another teenager who assumes that life doesn't suck, and that they aren't living in Hell just because of a few friend problems or rude comments from people that they "thought were their friends." In every instance, I've been hurt somewhere along the lines, too, but I get over myself. So, maybe it's my intolerance for such heavy dosages of angst that made me dislike this, but hear me out.

First of all, when writing a piece based on teenage angst and hurt, make sure that you avoid sounding like a whiner. Do this by using a bit of creativity, rather than just smacking a few words down on a page. Throw up on it instead... it tends to add a bit more variety, and it's definitely a stronger smell. (Lame, I know, but I couldn't think of anything better at the moment.) Use a bit of metaphor, give reasoning behind your emotion rather than just complaining about them.

Pieces like this can be done, but as a writer, it's our job to portray our feelings and angst in a creative way. One that grips a reader and makes them hurt with us (or laugh with us. Whichever one you're going for. Obviously the former in this piece). I know what you're trying to say, what you're trying to get across, but adding something to take down the angsty-teenage-whine-factor a few notches would make it much more convincing. (Because half of your readers won't know or understand that there really may be something bigger than a few jabs and back-stabbings; they've been there, done that, got over it and look at them! They're doing just fine now. You have to make them understand.)

I hope that you don't take anything here personaly; I'm not trying to call you whiney, the piece just makes you sound a bit as such. xD Hope that it helped, PM me with any questions.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

i know where your coming from when you say you will act fine infront of people but just want to escape..
in a way everyone is like that, some of us more then others.
well written, it was very good

The really reason why i wrote this was because i need to let off some steam and if it came of whiny, alot sometimes i like to whine and let it out. And on my computer the 2nd paragraph was italic

Thanks for the help! And all the comments!