Young Writers Society

Prologue

It was red. It started from her left eye and wrapped around her whole jawline. Delta’s birth mark was bold and prominent on her face. It was impossible to disguise or cover but instead sat there, gloating on her face. How cruel it was, to be such a shy and fragile person stuck with something that made you so recognisable. Or was it, possible that the scar had given her such a need to blend into the background.

Delta wasn’t treated like a normal person. Her other features, her delicate bone structure, pale blue eyes; they were all skimped over and ignored. Most gestures of kindness or friendship came out of some sort of guilt or pity. “It’s only a mark” she sometimes thought bitterly “It’s just some aggravated skin cells. It’s not a tumour, it’s not contagious, it’s just a birth mark. She could get rid of it, technically. Well not that she would be allowed to. Her parents, unlike Delta herself, had learned to embrace it and love it. They considered it as beautiful as any other physical attribution. They hated to hear her talk cruelly of it, and the idea of surgically removing it was unthinkable to them. It was touching yes, and a sign of true parental talent. But did they know how difficult it was? Did they know what it was liked to never be given just a side glance? To never be thought of as anything more than the girl with the birthmark? No, they didn’t. It was painful for her, because as much as she loved them, it was always tinged with hate.

Hey Gracie!

First, a couple of things that I do like about this piece:

Your first line is short and sweet, and I think that although it doesn't give a huge amount of info, it really sings with how Delta feels about this mark on her face: every time she looks in the mirror, she sees red. It's very moving.

Your focus on one specific thing gives us a good grasp about how this character thinks and reacts. We know, through her relationship with this birthmark, not only the way she looks but the way she loves, the things that make her angry, and the big concerns that she has.

I also like how realistic Delta is about her situation: it feels very natural that she would be upset about how she's treated, and I think that her reasoning, and bitterness, is called for.

Now for some things I'd keep an eye on:

I think the best parts of this prologue are the parts that really feel like they're in Delta's voice. She's a strong girl and opinionated, but she's also pretty down-to-earth, and I like that about her. I personally would suggest turning this into a first-person perspective, to better get into her head. Barring that, I think you should consider simplifying some of your diction. So much is packed into a sentence like "It was red," and that simplicity is super powerful. You can go a little verbose once and a while--I think "gloating on her face" is a really cool line--but watch out for doing that too often. Keep it simple, and really weigh whether you need to use a word like "cruel" which has a bad rep for being purple prose, and for phrases like "physical attributes." They detract from the manuscript as a whole.

For all the dwelling on the birthmark, I don't really know what it looks like. I get that it's red, but when you say it "wraps her jawline," are we talking a huge blotch or a line or what?

I'd also like you to think, moving forward, about how much of these "gestures of pity" are really out of pity, and how much of it is Delta overcompensating or being paranoid. I think that that kind of a relationship between Delta, those she interacts with, and this mediating mark, could be super interesting.

Just a few thoughts! I do really like the idea, though, and I think this is a good springboard.

Wow interesting story. This really reminds me of a book I read called; North of Beautiful, by Justina Chen Headley. It's also about a girl with a birthmark on her face, and is one of my very favorite books
"It was impossible to disguise or cover but instead sat there" I think you need to add it between "instead" and "sat" Also I think "skimped" is supposed to be skimmed. I think you should break up the last paragraph here possibly

"It’s not a tumour, it’s not contagious, it’s just a birth mark.

She could get rid of it, technically."I think that would make it easier to read. Well can't wait to read more! Good luck writing!!


-tgirly