Young Writers Society

I like being able to see old pictures of you and be glad you were prettier when I knew you,
being able to walk past girls wearing your perfume and feel like you're not so unique,
I like how I now know you're only sorry when you're drunk and that I can't trust you at all.
I don't like how I do.
I don't like how I don't care.
I don't like how that makes you more human to me,
and I don't like how you've changed.
But I hate how I like disliking you,
and much more how I dislike liking you.

Hello! Let's see what you have here... oooh. Interesting. So you're a bit repetetive and could use some more imagery, some more atmosphere. But I love where you start from and I think if you added some meat onto these bones it would make a good poem. First though, the title. It's too long and not very catchy. That's pretty important around here as people will decide whether they want to read your work based on that title! So have a think and see if you can make it shorter and more creative. A quick example would be False Perceptions or Skewed Reflections. But you have a think and you'll probably come up with something better!

I like being able to see old pictures of you and be glad you were prettier when I knew you, [So this part I like. At first I thought maybe the 'you' was dead but then I realised they've probably just moved on to dating someone else. Still, you should bring the story into it more as that would increase reader interest. The reader wants to know who this 'you' is/ was.]
being able to walk past girls wearing your perfume and feel like you're not so unique, [This flows a little awkwardly! Try breaking it down a bit, smaller sentences, smaller parts. Like:
'There are days when I smell your perfume,
orchids in the classroom,
and it's on another girl.
It was never yours alone.']
I like how I now know you're only sorry when you're drunk and that I can't trust you at all.
I don't like how I do.
I don't like how I don't care.
I don't like how that makes you more human to me, [This line and the previous two could use some more substance.]
and I don't like how you've changed.
But I hate how I like disliking you,
and much more how I dislike liking you.

Okay so the ending is pretty cool with the playing with words but add more meat. Get some more details in there and really tell us the story. Make us feel like we're part of the story! I do love that you've written this in second person and I think that works well for the style of the poem. But. More details please?

Thanks for the read and feel free to pm me with any questions!

Heather xxx

I really liked this, first of all. I find it interesting that - well, the title makes it sound like the narrator is going to be looking in the mirror and realizing something different about himself, but instead the narrator is realizing something different about his ex-girlfriend. Which I guess actually means he does also realize something different about himself, but still...it's not what you expect when you see the title.

I disagree with Kitty's opinion, at least of the second line. No offense to Kitty, I hope, but I kind of gagged a bit at "orchids in a classroom" and "it was never yours alone." (Sorry.) People need to remember that there's nothing wrong with keeping things simple, even in poetry. I'm still debating on the last few lines... I liked the last two, just as they are - but I'm debating whether or not to tell you that the fourth and fifth lines need more. I'm really not sure. On the one hand, I feel that this should have a few more specifics to it - which is generally true of poetry like this - but on the other hand, the main thing I like about this is the simplicity.

So, I realize this is totally unhelpful, but: I think I'm going to have to leave the decision regarding more specific imagery to your discretion.

~Blue

thankk you :] yeahh, I wanted to keep it simple, un romantacize it as it's a un romantic situation ^^ make it more real, more like something a normal person would think or say than a writer.
the reason I named it is because the way I wrote it kinda is like a mirror...

'I like being able to see old pictures of you and be glad you were prettier when I knew you,

being able to walk past girls wearing your perfume and feel like you're not so unique,

I like how I now know you're only sorry when you're drunk and that I can't trust you at all.

I don't like how I do.

I don't like how I don't care.

I don't like how that makes you more human to me,

and I don't like how you've changed.'

If you read the first line then the last line it's the pros and cons, then the second and the second from last etc. which made me think of the title. It's really confsuing to explain haha, but for everything he likes which distances himself from her, he dislikes for the same reason. What he feels is different than what he thinks.

Good evening, Ethan.

This is quite the introspective piece, and while it may seem very personal to you—definitely getting an undertone of bitterness over a breakup or rejection: something that dehumanized this girl to you—it certainly hit me in my chest because I know how this feels, and I think you’re going to get a resonance with your audience since you’ve left it just open enough for a universal reading.

Now, my main distaste with this piece is your flow. Flow is essential in poetic pieces like this, no matter what they may be. I want you to consider the placing of your line breaks and the fluidity of your phrasings. Let’s take a look through this and see what we can take care of as far as flow goes!

Your first line starts off terribly clunky. I suggest taking out “being able to” and turning “see” into “seeing”. With this, you’ll change “be” later on to “being” or something even better than a verb of be—try to add in fresh words that’ll make your point more accurate. So the line in my head is closer to: “I like seeing old pictures of you and feeling glad you were prettier when I knew you”. While it’s still not perfect, it’s closer. I heavily suggest playing around yourself since this isn’t quite poetry or prose—so it’s ultimately left up to you how you want to format it.

Your second line, I’d just change the first part to “walking past girls”. No need for all these “being able to”s all over the place. At the end of this line, change the comma to a period for grammatical precision.

You have a lot you can cut or change in the third line—mainly making it more about the girl and less about you. Does that make sense? Cut out things like “I now know” and “and that I can’t” and shuffle them around to make them more accessible.

Line four is fine, but line five doesn’t quite cut it for me. This line comes out of the blue and doesn’t really make a note in the reader’s head. Why don’t you care? Why don’t you like that you don’t? And why should the reader care that you don’t like that you don’t care? :P

The rest of this piece really flows well and does a nice job of driving it home. The contrast is nice between the talking about the girl and talking about yourself, so it just bodes well in my head.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments,

-Lumi

Hi,
This was quite a head spinner! I liked the last two lines the best. This poem/narrative piece reminds me of that saying where they say love and hate is only inches apart or something like that. (Was it flip sides of a coin?)
I think that you managed to say a lot in a very short amount of piece. This relationship, is it about a lovers relationship, or is it between son and mother?
Also, one thing I wasn't quite sure about was why he "wears" her perfume, and feels that it isn't unique. I thought this was a piece about after a breakup, so why is he still wearing her perfume?
Other than that, skillful use of words that seem like paradoxes but aren't. They remind me of that famous line from Hamlet "I be cruel only to be kind."
Nice work~

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

People change. Hearts change. Things go on
But can we love a person with his or her change?
Difficult. But that makes us truly love.. And love begets love they say
Although it is difficult said than done....
And then they say what's gone. IS dead. Although dead people have ghosts about them... Nice work. Straight expressions =)
Cool!

Hey there-
I really liked this piece because of the unique view you gave of the breakup. The flow could use some more work, but you've got something good here! Usually, I find myself reading all these remorseful breakup poems and I wish for somehting fresh. This is definitely fresh. It brings to the surface a new emotion that is not generally found in breakup pieces. They are always lovey-dovey, romantic, "I shouldn't have let you go" things. I love this one because it's not. It's real. Thanks for the breath of fresh air! Now, just work on your rhythm and flow, and you've got yourself a great work of art!

~Jess