Young Writers Society

Dear Ben,

Ten summers ago, whilst on the beach with my mother, sisters, step-father and blistering heat against the cool coral ocean water, I met you for the very first time. Remember?

A bigger guy (who I later discovered was your big brother) tried teaching you how to swim but gave up because he said you were hopeless. I remember how you got upset and sulked your way back to the hot, dry sand, arms crossed. That’s when you caught me staring at you. Back then I wasn’t staring at you because of what you think, but because I saw you were very sad and I felt sorry for you.

You, on the other hand, were so angry that you just looked at me and said: “What?”

I remember quickly turning my head and going back to the sandcastle I was struggling with. It didn’t look right- it kept flopping side-wards and the sand at the top kept rolling down. At the time, I didn’t understand why that was happening and I got fed up and I also ended up with my arms crossed.

Maybe I should put some water on it? That’s what I thought after a few moments of moping and I ran towards the waves. By the time I got back to my sandcastle, there were but a few little pathetic drops of water remaining in my bucket. I cried. I believed that I was the unluckiest person on Earth because all the other children were making pretty sandcastles, with perfect sand and little flags on top.

“Why are you crying?” And there you were, standing in the way of the hot, hot sun. You didn’t look so upset anymore, but as if you were ready to help me out.

“There’s a hole in my bucket,” I said, wiping the tears from my face. I accidentally replaced the tears with the annoying sand particles that were on my hands.

“You can share mine,” you said, stretching out your arm- at the end of it hung a blue and purple plastic bucket. I liked the way the sun reflected in it, making it shine as if it were magical.

You were magical.

Now as I write you this letter, and as I remember all the moments we were able to share together- right from the moment you kindly shared your bucket with me when I was six years old to the moment you shared your bed with me and filled me with your love, I feel as though all those moments have dripped away. I feel as though the love I had for you trickled through.

I think to myself as I sit here and write you this letter, I sit here and wonder what happened. How did it all seep through without us even realizing? Why did we let it drip through the cracks in our fingers? Why didn’t we hold onto to it like something solid and build the biggest and strongest castle any devoted people could build?

Just like the six year old girl I was, who didn’t understand why her castle wasn’t ‘standing straight’, I am utterly puzzled and curious as to know how we ended up like this, how our love left a trail in the sand, silently and unnoticed.

I don’t know how it happened, but the magic you once filled my bucket with has oozed out and my bucket remains empty with a hole needing to be fixed.

Will you share your bucket with me once more?


Daniela.

this was good. It is more of a story. I liked how it was in letter form, that made it one hundred times better. I did notice that the writer sounded a little bit childish, like she never quite got rid of the six year old girl with a holey bucket. I mean, it would be cool if it started out that way but she needs to sound more mature as the letter continues. Hope that helps. Other than that, I don't have much to say. It was good, simple, and emotional.

I really liked this. I liked the "hole in the bucket" and "sand castle" metaphors that kept up throughout the story. I think the most depressing thing about this is the fact that these people, since they met when they were six, they probably grew up as best friends before they really got into a romantic relationship, and now it sounds like everything has fallen apart rather than just the romance. (Which of course is why so many people are reluctant to date their friends - although, if it works out, it's the best to be dating your best friend. I would know. )

Just a few things to improve on, in my opinion:

I feel as though all those moments have dripped away. I feel as though the love I had for you trickled through the hole in my bucket, for now my heart is empty. It is no longer filled by the sentiments I had for you.

As I said, I like the "hole in the bucket" metaphor, but the rest of this paragraph lacks the imagery and language of the rest of the story. Compared to the rest, it's bland and cliched. I think you could probably get rid of everything after "through the hole in my bucket," because we'll still understand what you mean. (That's the point of a metaphor, after all.)

The only other thing is, I don't really like "yours regretfully." First of all, it sounds awkward because most of us would write it as "regretfully yours." Second of all, I just don't like "regretfully." You could just say "yours" or, since she's not sure about their relationship anymore and feels that it has all melted away, you could say "Yours (?)" as if she's questioning their relationship even in the closing, or you could go even simpler and just say "Daniela." I feel like "regretfully" is kind of pounding it into us. I mean, we KNOW she's regretful, from the rest of the letter.

Other than that, though, this was really well written and very unique. Great job!

~Blue

I like the piece as a whole, there were a few grammar mistakes though. I'm sure you can find those on your own, though . I agree with BlueAfrica on that last point about the closing and signature bit. We can infer from the tone of the letter that the writer is, in fact regretful. To me, there's no need for the word in the closing, but if you like it then by all means, keep it. I really enjoyed the concept of telling a couple's (If that's what you would call them?) story through a letter, and I loved the transitions between real life and metaphor. Whoever said that you could sound a bit more "mature" (or what have you) through the second half held a viable point. You have just given us the imagery of two people maturing from sandcastles to sheets- it's great as is now, but if you'd like to make it stellar, just add a few hints that the writer's mindset has matured along with her and her friend's physical selves. A simple change in tone would get the job done, and you can figure out how to artistically add that without compromising the young-at-heart feeling, I'm sure.

You really do have a fantastic, relatable piece here, and with just a few edits, it can be even more fantastic! Thanks for the great post, I really enjoyed it!

~Jess