Young Writers Society

Luke 23

32 Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed 33 When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals--one on his right, the other on his left.... 39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

I am the mocking thief. Unnamed and seemingly unimportant. You see me slinking through the halls, with my pants too low and my hoodie too big. You don't know me, and you don't plan to; it might hurt your reputation.
When you speak to me, it's with a tone of superiority. You think you're better than me, I can see it in your eyes. Your accusing glances seem to roll off my back. You don't know the shame I feel.
I try not to think of Jesus. Those Christians are just stuffy old people anyways, worshiping a stuffy old God. I'm young. I'm practically immortable. I'm unstoppable. Nothing's going to change, I try to reassure myself. But really, that's my biggest fear. That nothing's ever going to change.
"Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself, and us!" I say with a sneer, but really I'm pleading, begging for someone to save me from my fate. I act tough, I act brave. But I am scared to death of what's coming. Because what's coming is death. Eternal death. And it's already here.
I know what I've done. I know what I deserve. I don't pretend innocence. I don't deny my sins. Sometimes, I'm even proud of them. You're quick to condemn me, everyone is. But you're not so quick to condemn yourself. And aren't you just as bad as me? You pass me in the halls everyday, watching me drown in lies while you hold the truth. You watch how lost I've become when you have the Way. You see me die of thirst when you hold the cup of life. But no, you don't want to talk about your sins, you just want to stick to my own. Am I really that much worse than you?
I am the mocking thief. Unnamed and unimportant. Will you save me? Or condemn me?

Wow that is really good. It really shows what goes on in life. I think it would be cool to make a story out of this but this is really good as is. You did a great job. I love it!

This is amazing. I've never thought about that before, but this rings very true. Good job!

Hi, NewHero here to review. I gave your piece of star, but I honestly thinks it needs quite a bit of refining. But first and most obviously, it should be THIEF, as in 'i' before 'e'.

Alright, you need to clear up what this piece looks like. And I mean looks like. Very minor thing but a bit of formatting would really help. Maybe differentiate the two parts (the quote and story) by italicizing the quote and maybe adding a dashed line? Secondly, you don't have to separate sentences for effect. These things have very little impact on the work, but I just thought it would look a bit neater and be a bit more appealing to read. Remember, this is just a suggestion:



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Alright, now into the meat. I think this piece was beautiful and powerful because it was straightforward, but it is a bit too simplistic and straightforward. In other word, there is no flourish. The whole piece is about the mind of the mocking thief right?

I think that it's okay that told and not showed, but you didn't tell very well. If you're going to explain something, then you might as well go all out. Picture this as a poem, laden with emotions and written in plain English. I think you give the mocking thief a bit of a break though. I think there must be something hateful about him, something sinful and wrong. I think that he has no excuse for mocking Jesus so maybe you should really have him earnestly mock Jesus and all Christianity before simply stating the reason why. So in structure, very similar to what you have here, but please add some spice to this meal:

The Quote
"Was I wrong? No." Complains about Jesus and Christianity
The REASON he hates Jesus
His REAL fear and worries.
His plea for salvation.

Mainly, I think this work would benefit from just being a bit more clever in exposing emotions though. Realizing this wasn't the most helpful review ever:

In Christ and hoping to review you again soon,
TheNewHero

Wow! That was deep and really short, which is a combination that I absolutely love. The writing is very simple while the meaning can be thought of in many different ways. I really enjoyed this piece and I think it stands great alone, without any building up to become a story thing. Excellent job!