Young Writers Society

Crash.
Rain throws itself against my window, as though trying to out-do the howling of the wind.
The trees groan in protest as the churning sky whips them to and fro.
Flicker.
Lights dim, then blacken as the electricity is lost to the darkening atmosphere.
I light a candle, it's fire illuminating my small table. I lift my pen again, just hardly set back by the loss of light.
Whimper.
The dog lays at my feet, whining with nervousness at the monster who wreaks havoc on the outside.
The sky, black and heavy with storm, pours the rain upon the fragile flowers in the garden.
"Please..."
Flowers try to gaze upward with tired eyes, but are beaten down relentlessly by the sky's burden.
The clouds above grumble with thunder and scream with lightning, each streak a reminder of how furious the storm is getting.
Goosebumps.
I watch, intrigued from the danger.
I'm tired, but won't let sleep hamper my creativity.
But the storm- it plays me. Coaxes me.
"Sleep..."
Pulling my energy like a harpist pulls her strings.
Breathe.
I resign myself to the fact that the storm is more powerful than I. Putting down my pen, I wrap myself in a blanket and curl into bed, exhausted.
Crash.
The rain still pounds.
The thunder still roars.
The candle still flickers.
And I lie there watching it, hypnotized.
Until finally, I close my eyes,
And sleep.

Great work! I'll start with the small things...

I light a candle, it's fire illuminating

It's should be its.

monster who wreaks havoc on the outside.

This doesn't sound right. I think it should be just havoc outside, not with the "on the". It doesn't make sense.

"Please..."

"Sleep..."

These two don't fit in. I would make them "Please." and "Sleep." like all of the other introductions.

Until finally, I close my eyes,
And sleep.

I don't like the line break here. it would look and sound better as all one line, I think. Okay, now for the bigger points.

I believe all of the seemingly "titles" that start every couple of lines work for a little bit, but only for a little bit. Therefore, you should move them to be in the same line as the rest of the statement, so that it doesn't get too overly repetetive. However, I love the way you put the single words in front. It really adds to the feeling of being there in the storm.

Also, I want to know why you should sleep, and why, more importantly, are you trying to resist? You could use a little more explaining of the why of everything, pretty much.

Other than that, awesome! I'd love to see another piece like this!

Wow. I like it a lot. I didn't get why you said "Please..." or "sleep", I mean I don't see what they add, except as showing how tired/confused the narrator is. The descriptions are short but powerful, love how you contrasted the interior monologue and the ambiance inside with the storm outside. I know this feeling so well, and I think you did it justice.

Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews. I will go change those grammar mistakes as soon as I get back to my house and can fix them on a real computer instead of an iPod. As for the bigger things-

Blue raspberry- the reason there are dots after those two quotes is because I wanted the feeling (at least in the first one) of the flowers wanting to say more but they just can't. Their "words" become broken and separated by the relentless downpour. To me, the dots make sense. Maybe if you read it again with knowledge of my intention it might make sense to you too. If it still doesn't, let me know and I will consider revising because I'd hate to cause confusion to a reader. As for the second quote, I feel like the dots give it a sense of whispering and mystery. No? I tend to do that a lot- write things that make sense to me and no one else haha. The reason I put a break on the last line is because I wanted a sense of finality and also the feeling that it took a while for sleep to happen after the eyes were closed. This story is mostly true and the events that happened (especially the sleeping haha) were true as well. For me personally, I always fall asleep during storms. What was happening in the moment was this- I had been up writing late at night, I was exhausted but had just had a breakthrough and wanted to keep going with it. The storm had darkened everything and that just added to the exhaustion I was already experiencing. I knew I should be sleeping but I really just wanted to write. Eventually, I fell asleep because like I just said, rain makes me tired haha. So I guess the why is personal to me, as is this whole piece. I will consider revising the "titles" as you call them. Thanks again for the great suggestions.

Remember20- thank you! Read what I just told blue raspberry and the please and sleep will probably make things clearer.