Young Writers Society

Hi everyone! I've decided to write a short story on a nineteenth century murder in the eastern USA. This is the preface. Please let me know what you think!

Preface
She walked down the dusty road by the stables, her neat shoes kicking up tiny clouds of dust as she went. The voluminous sky was a muted velvet indigo, night having fallen just minutes ago. Set on her destination, she was oblivious to all else, so the shadow remained unseen by her until it began to descend on her. There was no time to scream, to run, or even to think, before it plunged the knife through her chest and gorged itself on her life.
The shadow allowed a hardened smile-just a miniscule twitch of the lips- to crack its usually impassive demeanor. Then the murderer ran away.

First of all, welcome to YWS. Second of all, great preface! Sure, it may need a bit more detail and a tiny bit longer, but you already seem to be mastering how to pace the story. It is ambiguous but in a good way. Who is the shadow? Where is he/she going? Who will he/she meet? Will they ever be caught? And- most importantly- why did they do it? Intriguing. Again, welcome to YWS! I am 567ajt, lord of ambiguous poetry. And yes, you can call me AJ if you want

Welcome to YWS So, at first, this seemed like a normal murderer, but is it really a vampire? Because you said 'and gorged itself on her life'. What really got me interested was that you used 'it' instead of he or she. The first lines were great, so was the description of the scene. I thought you went from her walking to the murder a little bit too quickly, so maybe you could have broken up some of the sentences, just so it seems more slow and dramatic. I'm also really interested in the could-be-vampire-thing, because if it was a vampire, then why the knife? The way you called the murderer 'the shadow' is really intriguing too. The biggest problem I have with this is the ending. 'Then the murderer ran away' is just to quick and simplistic for a murder scene. I think it should be a little bit more creepy, like 'Then murderer slinked back into the night, as quick as he came', or something along the lines. Also, if he's running away, doesn't that imply that someone is chasing him? Or could be? That leaves a lot to the reader's imagination, which is good, but I think the ending can be rewritten better. If I read this preface in the front of a book, I wouldn't read it, the only reason being that I have no love for murder/detective books at all. But I think a person who liked them would definitely try out the rest of the book. Great job
-Anna

Hey, wassup? I'm Youngwolf and would like to welcome you to YWS as well. Altogether, I liked it. But there are a few things that I'd like to point out.
1. You spelled demeanor, wrong. It's demeanour.
2. It's a little short, but no worries. I do the same thing!
3. Perhaps, instead of "She walked down the dusty road by the stables" You could try, "She walked the dusty road near the stables," It just sounds a little cleaner. And the original just didn't flow right.
4. And this, ",her neat shoes kicking up tiny clouds of dust as she went." You don't have to say, as she went. We already know that she's walking.
5.Then, " night having fallen just minutes ago" PLease re-work, it just doesn't flow right.
6. Then this, "she was oblivious to all else, so the shadow remained unseen by her until it began to descend on her." Try this,
" she was oblivious to all else. So the shadow remained unseen untill it desended upon her."
7. Then we want to know were she is going, so please tell!! You can't keep everything to yourself. Thank you, that is all