Young Writers Society

NOTE: This is something I wrote as a writing prompt. It sort of like an "alternate reality." This didn't actually happen in my book, Followers of the Light, but the main characters, emotions, and character traits are real. By the way "charata" is a made up name for a substance that allows people to travel between Nemaiza (another planet) and Earth.

Here it is:

The charata whizzed on, and Matilda took a deep breath. Before she could change her mind, she plunged through to the other side. The next thing she knew, she fell onto a street at night.

A limousine headed toward her and the brakes screeched as Matilda scrambled out of the way. The vehicle stopped and a man stepped out, helping Matilda to her feet. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, what’s a nice lady like you doing out here at night?”

“Oh I’m sorry. I would’ve waited until daytime, but I didn’t have a choice.”

He gave her a strange look. “You don’t need to apologize. Do you need a ride?”

“I need to see a professor, Peter Anderson. Where am I? Am I near…?” Matilda ransacked her brain, trying to remember the name of the town. “Crowne Point. Am I near Crown Pointe?”

“Yes. But I don’t know of a Peter Anderson.”

“How about Peter Marvin?”

“I believe I do.” He checked his watch. “It’s nearly six.”

“Almost sunrise? Would the professor be at the university this early?”

“Maybe. I’ll give you a ride if you want.”

“Thank you. Thank you very much.”

When Matilda climbed out of the limousine, she went into language arts building. She wandered around the empty halls, searching for the professor’s office.

“Can I help you, miss?”

Matilda spun around, seeing a janitor. “I’m looking for Professor Marvin.”

“Third floor, second door to the right.”

“Thanks.” She found the elevator, and stepped inside, feeling nauseous and uncomfortable. She was glad when the doors finally opened, letting her out. Finding the professor’s office, Matilda hesitated, before knocking on the door and entering.

The professor looked up and froze when he recognized her. “Matilda!” he exclaimed, shooting up from his chair. “What are you doing here? You’ll die!”

“I know. But I need your help.”

As he came closer to her, Matilda took his hand and placed it on her abdomen. “You’re going to be an uncle again. But I’m terrified of what William will do. I want to stay until the baby is born. Then I want you to take her and keep her safe.”

“You can’t stay here long. Ellie only survived a few weeks.”

“That’s why I need your help. Can’t you give me some sort of drug that’ll keep me alive, even for only a while?”

“Even if that were possible…”

“Peter, please. I don’t care if it has horrible side effects. I don’t care if it’ll kill me. I just want to survive long enough to save my daughter. I already failed the first time, I’ll not fail again!”

A stricken expression came over his face. “Nanci’s dead?”

“No. But she’s in horrible danger of it.”

Peter hesitated for a moment. “There is something I can give you. But it’s fatal.”

Matilda stared into her brother-in-law’s eyes. “I don’t care. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

uhh...
I'm confused. But maybe I'm supposed to be confused. I don't know.

Firstly, I would like more information on Matilda. Just a little bit more, because I get the idea you want to keep us in the dark for a little while longer. Give us a hint a little earlier that she's pregnant. Does she talk differently than everyone else? Look different? Walk different? Act different? Give us some clues, please, so we don't get confused AND bored.

Secondly, the phrase "before she knew it" screams CHEESY. I don't know why, maybe it's just a personal preference, but there it is.

Thirdly, the dialogue is excellent and very realistic, but I'd like to see what's going on between it. Facial expressions, body language, descriptions of the lighting, the setting, colors and shapes and textures. Place us in the scene.

That's about it I think. I do like where you're going with this!

Well, aithalos said pretty much what I wanted to say, so i am left behind there, but I do have a couple more.

First of all, it just seems rather improbable that there would be a limousine driving by just then and a man is willing to drive her in a limo to a professor's place. I just think that that whole scene seemed rather forced and highly unlikely.

I was left wanting more. This is both a good and a bad. The good is that I was intrigued by the story and want to find out more about these characters. But the bad is that I am actually left hanging. Help! I want to know what is going on. I want to find out what is going to happen. More!

Yeah, it was lacking a bit. Aithalos pointed out most of my wants and just about everything else I wanted to say, so I just stand by what she said. The limo guy just really bothered me.

~GryphonFledgling

I had a word limit when I was doing this prompt so I couldn't really expand on details.

I guess I understand your point about the limo guy. But Matilda doesn't know how to drive (she lives in a primitive society) so how is she going to get to the university?

Matilda isn't far enough long for everybody to see she's pregant, and I wanted it to be a suprise, although if this really did take place in my novel, you, as the reader, would already know she's pregant.

Here's a bit of background, okay?

Matilda lives on this other planet, Nemaizea, where her husband (from Earth) is an evil tryrant (William). She has an older daughter (Nanci) and for some reason that I haven't figured out yet, William wants to kill Nanci. So Matilda's afraid William will want to kill her second unborn daughter too.

Peter (also from Earth) is William's brother, which would make him Matilda's brother in law (hence the phrase "You're going to be an uncle again.") He's a good guy and cares for Matilda like a sister.

Ellie is short for Elenore, Peter's wife, who was from Nemaizea, who died because she didn't have any restistance to viruses/bacteria on Earth, since Nemaizea is a much cleaner planet.

On Nemaizea people get up when the sun does, and go to bed when the sun sets. Only thieves, and other bad guys are out at night. So that's why Matilda apologizes. But then she remebers that on Earth, things are different, which is why she doesn't think the limo guy is a bad guy.

However, in my novel, Matilda doesn't go to Earth. Instead she gets William to promise that he won't harm her unborn daughter. (There is some advanced technology on the planet, which is how Matilda knows the baby is a girl, but it isn't widespread.)

I wrote this as a fun "what if" so I'm sorry to say I won't be continuing this scene, at least not any time soon. I hope your curiousities are satifisfied. Anything else you want to know, I'll be more than happy to tell you.

my edits are in bold

kshsj777 wrote:NOTE: This is something I wrote as a writing prompt. It sort of like an "alternate reality." This didn't actually happen in my book, Followers of the Light, but the main characters, emotions, and character traits are real. By the way "charata" is a made up name for a substance that allows people to travel between Nemaiza (another planet) and Earth.

Here it is:

The charata whizzed on, and Matilda took a deep breath. Before she could change her mind, she plunged through to the other side. The next thing she knew, she fell onto a street at night. this was kind of confusing...i realize you explained earlier, but add more explanation here for what is going on

A limousine headed toward her and the brakes screeched as Matilda scrambled out of the way. The vehicle stopped and a man stepped out, helping Matilda to her feet. “You okay?” Hmm...so it just happens that a limo is cruising around at night? If a "nice lady" as you say later shouldn't be out, than i wouldn't expect a limo to be out. if i was a criminal, I'd much rather rob a limo than a pregnant lady...

“Yeah. I don't know, but in her case i think that "yeah" doesn't sound quite right. I'd try "yes" instead. But that's just me Thank you.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, what’s a nice lady like you doing out here at night?”

“Oh I’m sorry. I would’ve waited until daytime, but I didn’t have a choice.”

He gave her a strange look. “You don’t need to apologize. Do you need a ride?” I thought that this was kinda funny

“I need to see a professor, Peter Anderson. Where am I? Am I near…?” Matilda ransacked her brain, trying to remember the name of the town. “Crowne Point. Am I near Crown Pointe?” Wouldn't he be surprised at a lady in a town not knowing what the town was called?

“Yes. But I don’t know of a Peter Anderson.”

“How about Peter Marvin?” Wait? He's called Anderson and Marvin? Why does he have two last names?

“I believe I do.” He checked his watch. “It’s nearly six.”

“Almost sunrise? Would the professor be at the university this early?”

“Maybe. I’ll give you a ride if you want.” Whoa, he isn't a bit suspicious of a lady who doesn't know what town she's in or what time it is?

“Thank you. Thank you very much.”

When Matilda climbed out of the limousine, she went into language arts building. I think that you make the last part happen too soon. It's like "boom" she's in the limo, "boom" she's at the language arts building. Tell us what goes on in the limo. She wandered around the empty halls, searching for the professor’s office.

“Can I help you, miss?”

Matilda spun around, seeing a janitor. Honestly, I think that this is really cliche...but again, that's just me. “I’m looking for Professor Marvin.”

“Third floor, second door to the right.”

“Thanks.” She found the elevator, and stepped inside, feeling nauseous and uncomfortable. Why was she feeling that way? Was it because she was on the earth? Tell us more... She was glad when the doors finally opened, letting her out. Finding the professor’s office, Matilda hesitated, before knocking on the door and entering. Shouldn't she wait to enter? Oh, right, he is her brother-in-law, I guess. Haha

The professor looked up and froze when he recognized her. “Matilda!” he exclaimed, shooting up from his chair. “What are you doing here? You’ll die!” Whoa? She'll die? Why will she? Because of earth again? You need to give more info here.

“I know. But I need your help.”

As he came closer to her, Matilda took his hand and placed it on her abdomen. “You’re going to be an uncle again. Again? If he was an uncle once, then he would always be an uncle...whether the baby/kid/person dies or not. But I’m terrified of what William will do. Who's William? More background info here...(but I'm guessing he's the father). I want to stay until the baby is born. Then I want you to take her and keep her safe.”

“You can’t stay here long. Ellie only survived a few weeks.” Who's Ellie?

“That’s why I need your help. Can’t you give me some sort of drug that’ll keep me alive, even for only a while?”

“Even if that were possible…”

“Peter, please. I don’t care if it has horrible side effects. I don’t care if it’ll kill me. I just want to survive long enough to save my daughter. How does she know it's a girl?? I already failed the first time, I’ll not fail again!”

A stricken expression came over his face. “Nanci’s dead?” Gaah! Who's Nanci? (Another daughter?)

“No. But she’s in horrible danger of it.”

Peter hesitated for a moment. “There is something I can give you. But it’s fatal.”

Matilda stared into her brother-in-law’s eyes. “I don’t care. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

Well, I didn't see any grammatical errors here (although that's not my "line of work", really, I take care of plot, development of characters and plot, etc.), but you need to work on some of your wording and I really wish you'd give us more background information!

Overall, I think that it's a great story with plenty of potential (if you fix up the plot a bit), and I really liked it how you have the mother willing to give up her life for the child. It could be a beautiful family story if you continue it this well.

Keep writing!!!!!

The Woz

Some of the questions you asked, I answered in the post above yours.

I understand the whole limo thing is unrealistic, so I will have to change that.

Your question about why does the professor have two last names. The answer is, is that the professor changed his name when he returned to Earth from Nemaizea a long time ago. Matilda is aware of the name change because of the teenagers who just a few months earlier went from Earth to Nemaizea (one of them is Nanci, her first daughter) told her.

Sorry that this is confusing. It's complicated to explain, since this takes place in the middle of the novel. Well it's not actually in my novel, but it was written as though it was, if that makes any sense.

Matilda was uncomfortable on an elevator, because she lives in a mostly primitive society with some exceptions. She doesn't like closed up places.

Nemaizea is a much cleaner planet with far less virus/bacteria, so people who have grown up on Nemaizea have weaker immune systems. So if they come to Earth, they'll die.

Read the post above yours and you'll get your other questions answered.

Thanks for the critique!