Young Writers Society

Have you ever woken up, thinking you're in your room, and found yourself saying, "Toto, I think we're not in Kansas anymore?" This was exactly what I was feeling as I awoke to the sounds of an ambulance siren and found myself in a hospital room with IVs hooked into my arms and my bed surrounded by what looked like a glowing plastic bubble. I kid you not.

After I got over the 'what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here' stage, panic settled in. I'm not in my bed. I'm not in my room. I don't know where I am. Ohmygod, have I been kidnapped!?!?

"Deep breath, Sarah. You're in a hospital, nothing more," I thought aloud to myself. I tried to sit up to look around, but found I was strapped in the bed. Reread above paragraph.

When I found that it was only my left arm strapped down (probably because of the IVs,) I settled down a little. And got curious. There were a LOT of red buttons on the right side of my bed. Who could resist? Not me, that was for sure.

After the first three buttons, my curiosity had subsided. The hospital bed was starting to fold in two, the glowy plastic bubble had started flashing yellow, and the IVs had started clogging up. I let out a string of expletives and started searching for the nurse call button among the other buttons that had caused me this uncalled for misery.

After jabbing random buttons for ten minutes and using all the swears I knew and some I didn't, two men in black suits with earpieces and an evil looking nurse entered my room.

"Did you get the nurse call I sent?" I asked. The nurse shook her head and snapped, "No. The only reason we knew you had come out of your coma was the constant stream of offending words coming out of your room." I smirked. "What's the glowy plastic bubble for?" I said, and looked at it. The GPB was pulsing a soft green light.

One of the men answered for me. "It's to keep the radiation in." Suddenly the meaning of his and the nurse's word sunk in. "So you're saying I've been in a coma because of a nuclear explosion?!?!" I yelled. The second man stepped forward, and grimaced. "Something like that." I motioned for him to continue.

"Well, according to our records, you were in school when two very volatile and unstable elements combined in your science room. The byproduct of their union was a new type of radiation. According to our studies, it changes the DNA of people whose hormone levels are fluctuating," He finished.

"I understand what you mean," I chose my words carefully. "But the last memories I have is me with my English class in my English room. Which you can probably guess means (oh golly gosh) that I wasn't in the science room."

The first man understood and said, "If you're as smart as our records show, you probably know that even gamma rays can't pass through cement, which is what the walls of your grade's building are made of." He was right, I did know. I nodded. "This new type of radiation must be very strong to have penetrated the cement walls. Did it spread beyond the seventh grade building?" I asked.

"Oddly enough, no.I was about to get to that part." He said. "In layman's terms, only your grade was affected." I gave him a puzzled look. "I don't feel any different, so why am I in the hospital?" The second man smiled wickedly. "Stretch out all your limbs," he said.

I dutifully complied. Legs,check. Arms, check. "I'm not missing anything," I muttered. "But you have something... extra," the first man said. "feel your back." he commanded. I did, and I felt something light and feathery gracefully branching out from behind my scapulae. I turned and looked. "Wings," I whispered.

This is probably going to be a big change for you," the first man started. I interrupted, "Really? Noooo, I don't think so. Thank you, Mr. Obvious." He glared. "Look, I'm going to make this short because your rude sarcastic remarks keep slowing me down. Anyway. In a nutshell, you and the rest of your grade are currently the worst kept secret in the world." Cue flashing lights cue Twilight zone music cue me swearing, again.


i know that its crude and short, but the real question is whether i should go on writing. whaddaya think?

I liked it. It's a nice, quick, fun read that still has enough of a hook to make you wonder what happens next. I'd keep working on it if it was mine, if only because it seems like alot of fun to write.

My next suggestion (if continuing seems like a no go) would be to try it as a storybook, but I only say that because I've been hunting my mind for storybook ideas. =P

^_^

Hello! Thought I'd stop by to give you a review, since you don't have many.

*hint* Create a title, even if it's temporary. I find that members, like myself, tend to critique writings that the author took the time to title. Sometimes the title is not good, but that doesn't mean it can't be temporary. We can always help think of a title as you display more.

I let out a string of expletives and started searching for the nurse call button among the other buttons that had caused me this uncalled-for misery.

...two men in black suits with earpieces and an evil-looking nurse entered my room.

The second man stepped forward, and grimaced.

Delete comma.

I motioned for him to continue.

Really now? Are you his boss?

Which you can probably guess means (oh golly-gosh) that I wasn't in the science room."

Use commas instead of parentheses.

[s]Anyway.[/s] In a nutshell, you and the rest of your grade are currently the worst kept secret in the world."

Cue flashing lights cue Twilight zone music cue me swearing, again.

This is confusing.

Overall, it's a completely different style of writing, lol. Not really, I've read stories that the author plays a smart-allic (sp?) role in the story.

If you want to get serious with this idea, I suggest you rewrite it so the smart comments aren't there. Dialogue can take care of the sarcasm. This is a boy genius, it looks like, and therefore uses big words?

Otherwise, it was a cute read. Remember to separate your dialogue by person. One person to a paragraph. If a new person speaks, they get the next paragraph/line. What you had was a bit confusing in that area as well. ^^

I hope I helped some. If you wish for me to reread and help take out sarcastic remarks, I can come back 'cause I had ideas for that as well. However, what you have is fine, I suppose. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I really liked this story, it was a good short read. I thought it was cool how she sprouted wing's i was expecting one of her legs to be gone! I think you should keep writing, it was good. Keep up the good work!

Yes, this was interesting. I really like the idea.

The grammar and spelling were fine. I didn't catch any obvious errors. A good job, there.

It seems a little too... unrealistic, perhaps?

I mean, I have no problem with the wings. I might have chosen a different route for the wings to appear other than science lab radiation- a tad strange. I mean, would they really keep chemicals that are that unstable in a middle school science lab?

I might have it be that they were at an R&D facility near some nuclear labs- like in Los Alamos- and there was an accident there.

Don't let me burst your bubble, though. The story has wonderful potential.

The dialogue was a little strange as well. I doubt that the feared MIB's would be giving her all of this information. They might tell her that she was in an accident at her school and ask her if she remembered anything.

After the first three buttons, my curiosity had subsided. The hospital bed was starting to fold in two, the glowy plastic bubble had started flashing yellow, and the IVs had started clogging up.

I really loved this paragraph. I actually let out an audible laugh.


All in all, I really loved this. It was fantastic for the work of a 13-year-old. It does strain my suspension of disbelief, but all in all: stupendous.


Keep up the good work,
Scotty.

Ooh, radiation accidents! I like!

However, I have no idea what her wings look like. Are they big and white and fluffy? Or are they heavy and torn and batlike? Or are they just strangely-engineered flabs of skin that allows gliding? Your reader doesn't get a very clear picture. We could think anything.

Other than that, just a couple of grammar issues I have to correct. lol.

EnsignRo wrote: "Did you get the nurse call I sent?" I asked.

ENTER

The nurse shook her head and snapped, "No. The only reason we knew you had come out of your coma was the constant stream of offending words coming out of your room."

ENTER

I smirked. "What's the glowy plastic bubble for?" I said, and looked at it. The GPB was pulsing a soft green light.

EnsignRo wrote:
The first man understood and said, "If you're as smart as our records show, you probably know that even gamma rays can't pass through cement, which is what the walls of your grade's building are made of." He was right, I did know.

ENTER

I nodded. "This new type of radiation must be very strong to have penetrated the cement walls. Did it spread beyond the seventh grade building?" I asked.

"Oddly enough, no.I was about to get to that part." He said. "In layman's terms, only your grade was affected."

ENTER

I gave him a puzzled look. "I don't feel any different, so why am I in the hospital?" The second man smiled wickedly. "Stretch out all your limbs," he said.

I dutifully complied. Legs,check. Arms, check. "I'm not missing anything," I muttered. "But you have something... extra," the first man said. "feel your back." he commanded. I did, and I felt something light and feathery gracefully branching out from behind my scapulae. I turned and looked.

ENTER But, this is a maybe. A suggestion. I think it adds to the suspense.

"Wings," I whispered.

"This is probably going to be a big change for you," the first man started.

ENTER

I interrupted, "Really? Noooo, I don't think so. Thank you, Mr. Obvious."

ENTER

He glared. "Look, I'm going to make this short because your rude sarcastic remarks keep slowing me down. Anyway. In a nutshell, you and the rest of your grade are currently the worst kept secret in the world." Cue flashing lights; cue Twilight zone music; cue me swearing, again.

The paragraph spacing will make it easier for your readers to know who's saying what.

One last thing: This seems like a script. All I see are facial expressions and setting; all I hear are words. Make it more like a story--feelings, scents, descriptions, body movements, the works. (heh. I struggle with this issue quite a bit, too. lol.)

But other than that, well done, mate!

Basically a good story, had a couple issues with it that were already mentioned. Way out-there idea but in sci-fi that's a good thing!

Yeah, to answer your question, you should keep on writing.

And P.S. I love your signature...funny lol

Yay I loved it! OMG! I love her sarcastic humor I am the same way! Haha I don't think anyone could have written it better I freakin love you for writing this. Okay so yes dork keep writing I need to read more! If you get stuck when you are writing PM me I would love to help you..and maybe get a look at what is coming next in the story!