Young Writers Society

12/17/07

005 – Outside

It was strange having so much space. It even frightened him a little. All his life he had been fenced in; walled up; tied down. His arms bore scars of many needles and his wrists had a band of hairless skin. The straps on the chairs had finally killed the hair.

The ground was hot beneath his bare feet and the sun was warm on his back. It had always been cold before, except when they put him in the hot box. Sometimes it was wet in there, and it was hard to breathe for all the steam. Other times it was dry and he would get thirsty and sweat would pour down his body. He was sweating now and thirsty again, but he was free. Finally free.

Hiya! I feel a bit guilty, I haven't read any of your other stuff, but still, let's see what we have here.

'All his life he had been fenced in; walled up; tied down.<-I like this His arms bore scars of many needles and his wrists had a band of hairless skin. The straps on the chairs had finally killed [s]the hair[/s] it.'

I really liked this passage, quick, to the point and well-flowing. The last couple of sentences wer very strong too, I liked them very much.

Cool I jsut realised something! 17/12/07 was my 14th birthday!

Keep writing, I really liked this!

~D'Aedomir~

J'aime! (I'm pretty sure that is how you say I like in french lol..must pay more attention)
Good, keep writing..cause it left a good mental image but I was a little confused..does this go along with something else that I should have read before?

Oh no!! I didn't notice this early enough.

Hmm

I do believe that this is the Mutt, is it not? So now I get to figure out how he feels!! Yay!! lol...

Your story is moving along great. Of course. Just repeating what I've said before. XD

The only edit I have (since this is such a short piece) is the same one that Aedomir had. Change "the hair" at the end of paragraph one into simply "it". Other than that... great!

Can you PM me when part 11 comes out? And part 12, etc...

I really like the story and it's kind of hard to constantly keep track of how many are out.

Keep writing!!

Teh Wozzinator

Sometimes it was wet in there, and it was hard to breathe for all the steam.

I would replace this with "hard to breathe through all the steam", for, while valid, just doesn't sit well for me.

Ultimately there's little here to critique. Fix Aedomir's error, perhaps fix the above and write on.

Hey, hon. I'm back, again, with another crit.

Ta,
Cal.