Young Writers Society

This is the first part of a short story (about the character behind my username ). I -really- need help with the first paragraph in particular. Hardcore critiques would be much appreciated.

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One moment stood out clear as a snapshot in Aneke’s memory, even years later when everything else had faded to bittersweet nostalgia: the one lucid instant when she realized that she loved Maddox. She knew the exact moment when the unmistakable feeling split through her chest. They had ducked into the underground concrete sound storm stadium of a deep metropolitan club, sharp eyes scanning for the pulse of their target among a sea of flowing limbs, eyes and ears overwhelmed with sensory chaos. They carried too many guns to blend in, and Maddox grabbed Aneke’s arm and held on as she tried to shove into the crowd. Progress slowed to futility and they panicked and whirled around, grasping for some sense of direction, and he began to dance like it was the natural thing to do. Long dark hair flying, rainbow light marbling his skin--he froze forever in Aneke’s mind just as he was then, free in ecstasy, wild and unattainable.

They eventually returned to the street and Kalli was still standing in the warm rain shot through with the lightning glow of the power nodes of transports and ferries overhead, watching the time on a clock tower a few streets away. The night crowd milled around her, a haze of individuals that looked human for the most part. “He’s not there, either,” Maddox said. All business. Scanning faces. “We’ll have to keep looking.” Aneke stared in disbelief.

She wondered if it had even happened. Maddox had always been a picture of solemnity, self-conscious in the face of Aneke’s authority. Young and uptight. Until now he had been predictable. Attractive but uninteresting; the intellectual brain in his head lacking imagination. Had it been just a lackluster shell hiding the real Maddox?

Aneke pulled her hood over her head and hugged her cloak and set off down the street, a flush rising to her cheeks. Maddox and Kalli followed, chatting, Kalli’s laugh echoing in the humidity. Their training had been coming along so well. They were set to become independent contractors in less than a year. They would still need to call on Aneke occasionally, of course, and she might even need their assistance a time or two. Maybe...maybe they would be willing to form a guild. They could work together permanently. She could see them every day--they could even live together. If Kalli and Maddox chose a location, Aneke could provide funds and anything they needed...She sighed. It would be a perfect scenario if she could keep thinking of Maddox as just an apprentice, comfortably locked into a role. It was only acceptable as long as nothing changed. As long as Aneke didn’t change.

The absolute unrealistic nature of the idea set in. She glanced back at them, Kalli splashing through puddles and Maddox scanning the crowd for the target, looking for any non-human quality, any mismatched gait or out-of-place features, anything trying to disguise itself in a raincoat. Aneke was twice Maddox’s age. And, she thought, she would have been scandalized if her own teacher had come out with something like this. This was undignified and disrespectful and...No, no. It wasn’t. This was different.

Maddox was a swirl of light and energy, hair streaming, the ragged edges of his cloak like feathered wingtips as he whirled in the thunder of melodic pandemonium. He was ageless. He was--

“There!” Aneke whipped around at Kalli’s shout just in time to see her leap into the crowd, and she spotted the target instantly: hunched and short but disturbingly agile, scrambling through the gutter and bounding from lamp posts. His ugly hybrid face looked as though it was made from stretched putty. His multi-faceted eyes were set too far back, and his nostrils were mere slits in an elongated snout.

“Cover her, Maddox! I’ll head him off!” Aneke tore away down the sidewalk--the hybrid swung from a waste disposal onto a café awning amid panicked shouts and screams, and crashed through a second-story window.

Kalli and Maddox stood panting at the door, guns and blades in hand, as Aneke skidded to a halt. “Secure the building, find the exits and get everyone out,” Aneke said. “They said he might secrete poison from his claws, so don’t forget. Maddox, evacuate the ground floor and guard the stairs. Kalli, you and I will corner him upstairs.” They nodded in agreement and rushed inside.

It is a funny old situation I find myself in with your work, Alicia. On the one hand I have the energy to remain your harshest critic until the very end of our lives. On the other hand, I am in danger of being the most biased critic, forever open to the fact that I have been there since the beginnings of your writing career, watching eagerly as each new piece is refined and corrected.

Perhaps the best form of critique I can offer a piece that I already love and am proud to have read is to re-write it ever so slightly as I would have done it. Such a critique by no means renders the original version less than my own, merely different.

As you mention the opening paragraph as paramount, the first thing I would adjust is the initial order of the opening sentence:

One moment stood out clear as a snapshot in Aneke’s memory, even years later when everything else had faded to bittersweet nostalgia: the one lucid instant when she realized that she loved Maddox.

Even years later when everything else had faded to bittersweet nostalgia, one moment stood out clear as a snapshot in Aneke’s memory: the one lucid instant when she realized that she loved Maddox.



There may be some literary device that I am unaware of and my re-arrangement may very well render that useless. As I have done it, I am thinking purely of flow and aesthetics.

To take my re-structured sentence and manipulate the wording a little:

Even years later when everything else had faded to bittersweet nostalgia, one moment stood out clear as a snapshot in Aneke’s memory: the one lucid instant when she realized that she loved Maddox.

Even after many years had passed and everything else had faded to bittersweet nostalgia, one moment stood out clear among the rest as an important and valuable testament to Aneke’s memory: that one lucid instant when she realized that she loved Maddox



Again, not necessarily an improvement on the original, just the way I would have expressed the concept should it have manifest in my own brain prior to yours!

Take the following passage for instance, where I feel the imagery is already fantastic:

They had ducked into the underground concrete sound storm stadium of a deep metropolitan club, sharp eyes scanning for the pulse of their target among a sea of flowing limbs, eyes and ears overwhelmed with sensory chaos.

They had ducked into the concrete underground of a deep metropolitan club, an electrical storm of static and feedback ringing their ears as the lights obscured their eyes from the pulse of their target, blending with the sea of flowing limbs and sensory chaos.



I hope some of this has helped. If there is anything more specific you require of me I am, as always, at your side and service.

Okay, so I was talking to Sade, and I told him to pick a number between one and eight. He chose seven, which meant I was going to critique science-fiction.

I chose yours.

So! I know nothing of science-fiction, but hopefully I'm of some help? And if I flinch, you'll know why. XD

Nit-Picks

They carried too many guns to blend in, and Maddox grabbed Aneke’s arm and held on as she tried to shove into the crowd. Progress slowed to futility and they panicked and whirled around, grasping for some sense of direction, and he began to dance like it was the natural thing to do. Long dark hair flying, rainbow light marbling his skin--he froze forever in Aneke’s mind just as he was then, free in ecstasy, wild and unattainable.

So, you say they can't blend in. Yet they're still on the streets, and he starts dancing?

“He’s not there,

Ditch this comma.

All business. Scanning faces.

The 'all business' works great on it's own, but maybe add ', she said,' after 'scanning faces,' as it sounds bad on its own.

Aneke pulled her hood over her head [s]and [/s]hugged her cloak to herself, and set off

Maddox and Kalli followed, chatting,

Where'd Kalli come from?

Overall Comments

*Shudders* There's a reason I don't like this sci-fi stuff.

So! I see you have a problem with the first paragraph? It's not bad, but you'll have to add something. You have to add another little tidbit about that moment – she always thought of it? He wasn't like it anymore? She remembered it even though he tried to hide it? – and it'll be great. But if you don't wrap it up with that, then it's not good.

Also, I hope this is not the end? It's not a good end, even for just a chapter. Way too sudden.

PM me for anything at all, and sorry about the lame critique! Blame Sade.

~JFW1415