Young Writers Society

Stars



Stars.

They stare at him, giving off their light like tiny beacons of hope in a sea of restlessness and unease.

He wants to be like them, shining in the heavens, looking down on the souls of this earth.

Behind him, his caregiver works.

She tightens the knobs and bolts of his machinery, the wrench sounding against him like music.

“Stars,” he says, leaning back slightly. “Exploding balls of hydrogen and helium. Created by nature and explainable by science.”

They shine above him.

He feels like they are mocking him as they twinkle in time to the turnings of the wrench.

“It makes you feel like the complete opposite, doesn’t it?” she says, throwing the wrench to the dry grass, and grabbing a pair of pliers. The wrench makes a soft clanging noise against the ground. “Created by science and unexplainable by nature. Don’t move, the wires back here are a mess.”

He stays still, listening to the night sounds around him, the cars on the freeway a mile away, the sound of the waves against the beach behind them.

The sound of his motorized heart beating.

“Why do the stars shine, Karina?”

“But you just explained it-”

“No, no. I just explained what they’re made of. Tell me why they shine.”

She stops tinkering with him for a moment. He can nearly hear the cogs in her brain turning and clinking together.

“Well,” she says slowly, resuming her work. He can feel her fingers on the wires, tugging and twisting until she pulls out the one connecting his nerves. “I guess that when the hydrogen and helium combine, it creates light. I don’t really know. Sorry, Kavi.”

Kavi mulls over her answer.

Karina reconnects his nerves.

“I heard,” he says slowly. “That when people die, they become stars. The better that they were in life, the bigger and brighter they shone.”

She looks up from the mess of wire and metal and glances at the back of his head.

He is still looking up at the stars.

“Will I become a star, Karina? What do you think?”

She drops the pliers now. They land next to the wrench on the brown grass. Her hand moves to the pockets of her shorts until she finds a small plastic baggie full of screws. Her other hand glides around the ground around her, searching or something.

She finds the flesh colored metal plate and holds it to his neck, covering his secrets.

“I wish I could tell you, Kavi. But I don’t know.”

He ducks his head now. The sudden movement startles her, and one of the screws flies out of her hands. Her fingers search desperately for it.

“It’s right behind me,” he says quietly. “Two inches in front of you, and five inches to your right.”
She finds the screw, and continues putting him back together.

“I think you’ll be a star,” he whispers to the grass. “You’ll shine brighter than the rest of them, Karina.”
The stars above her and the outline of Kavi’s body blur into the surroundings. She feels for the last hole, and puts in the last screw.

She covers the square with her hands.

The feeling of his skin against hers. It feels so real.

“It’s only synthetic fabric.” The words come so quietly she can barely hear them.

She doesn’t know what to say. She peers around to look at his face.

He looks back up at the sky.

“There’s no such thing as a synthetic star.”

She pulls her hands away, and fumbles for her tools. She picks them up, her slender fingers wrapping around the handles. She slides them into a bag lying behind her.

She crawls on her hands and knees around Kavi and sits in front of him.

She reaches in front of her, and her fingertips grasp his chin, raising it up so that his eyes will meet hers.

His eyes.

She can see stars reflected in them.

“I won’t.” He says. “I won’t be a star. Sooner or later, my machinery will fall apart. My memory chip will malfunction and my voice program will fail. I won’t be any use anymore and they’ll throw me in the junk heap. I’ll crumble into dust and my bolts and cogs and screws will rust. I’ll lie broken and forgotten and I won’t shine.”

He wants to cry.

But crying is a human action.

It’s obvious that he wants to, and he can’t.

“They don’t think when they make us, the mechanics and the scientists and the computer programmers.” he continues. “They work hard and stay up late and forget about cold dinners at home with their wives, only so that they can make us real. Human.

“They do too good of a job. They install a chip that analyzes our situations, and gives us proper emotions. ‘To blend in better’. They don’t realize. Yes, we can laugh, be happy. Be sad. We get alerted if we go too long without food, so that we can eat.”

He draws his knees up to his chest and clutches them. “But we think, too. We want. It doesn’t matter how many fancy gadgets they give us, no matter how many programs they install. We’re still not human. We’re still not real.”

He buries his head against his legs.

Karina sits silent. Tears drip silently down her face and onto the fabric of her shorts. Plip, plip, dark spots appear.

“I want to be real,” he says a moment later, his voice muffled against his jeans. “I want to shine too.”
She blinks furiously, wiping her fists across her eyes.

The brown grass crinkles as she moves closer to him, and wraps her arms around his frame.

“Oh, Kavi.” She says, her voice thick. “You have no idea, no clue, that you’re so much more real and alive then any of them out there. You’ll shine. I promise. You’ll shine brightest of them all.”

A tremor goes through his body, and he buries his head in her shoulder.

She pats his back gently.

Above them, the stars begin to blink out, slowly, and one by one as the horizon in the west begins to lighten.

He gently loosens himself, and picks up her bag.

She stands and brushes off her knees.

The first ray of sunlight reflects off the screws holding all his secrets in place.


-----

Prok-kun, Bear-kun, I want you to know that I hate you both.

^_^

Oh... oh... *sigh*

That was the most beautiful, tragic story ever! And lovely at the same time. Amazing. I don't even have any critiques, so I suppose I shouldn't have dropped by to say anything - I just wanted to tell you how good it was. Such an interesting thought - science works on creating a 'real' robot, but what would happen if it actually ended up becoming 'real?' What would the consequences be, not only for that robot but for the people around it?

Er... sorry, I'm blabbering here. Your story. *ehem*

One thing:

She tightens the knobs and bolts of his machinery, the wrench sounding against him like music.

This was really confusing at first, the "wrench sounding against him" especially. I didn't get that she was actually cranking the wrench on his body. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but that was my reaction. Confusion.

I suppose I'd better end this completely useless critique. Hope you got an ego-boost, if nothing useful. Nice job.

Au revoir,
MademoiselleKool

“I won’t.” He says.

Don't capitalize "he".

“Oh, Kavi.” She says, her voice thick.

Don't capitalize "she".

Apart from that, this was very good. The emotional tension hung well, and the interspersion of Karina fixing Kavi up through it put an interesting twist in. I loved it. Write more pwnage stuff, I insist! ^^

Edit: Ooh, something else I just realized. You say that when she throws the wrench to the ground near the beginning it makes a soft clanging noise. Unless the ground is rock, and apparently it's grass, it wouldn't clang, it'd make more of a thud. Unless, of course, you're referring to an adjustable wrench, with moving parts that could clang against each other.

Second edit: D'oh. XD Okay, I think this is really it now. I just noticed that in the two examples above, you put a period instead of a comma right before the closing quotation marks. As far as I can see, though, you didn't do it anywhere else.

Black Cat, you should've told me you wrote this! Anyway, it's a great piece of work, and I look forward to more like it.

Kyte wrote:Black Cat, you should've told me you wrote this! Anyway, it's a great piece of work, and I look forward to more like it.

*cackles* I only wrote it last night. :p

Anyway, Aet-kun, Kool-san, thank you so much for your critiques! I very much appreciate them. ^_^

I actually had a terrible dream last night about posting this. I went on to check the reviews, and everyone said that it was horrible and would be better in the trash. xD

Shiko! I'm actually going to give this crit on time. I know. It's intense.

Stars.

This probably isn't necessary. The next sentence gives this a kind of mystery as the reader tries to figure out what the beacons of hope are. If you want to keep this sentence, that's perfectly fine, but I'd suggest taking it out and giving that mysterious atmosphere.

They stare at him, giving off their light like tiny beacons of hope in a sea of restlessness and unease.

I think it would be better if you put this as a metaphor rather than a simile. In other words, take out like. They stare at him. Tiny beacons of hope shine their light upon the restless sea. You can use this if you want. No copyright in this crit, lol. Otherwise, this sentence is pretty awesome.

She tightens [s]the[/s] his knobs and bolts [s]of his machinery[/s], the wrench sounding against him like music.

The clause after the comma is a bit clunky to me. Maybe if you took that whole thing out, replaced the comma with a dash, and said music to his ears, it would be better? It kind of means the same thing and it's a little bit prettier. The wrench turning the knobs and bolts back into place was music to his ears. Or something else. It's just a little clunky to me.

He feels like they are mocking him as they twinkle in time to the [s]turnings of the wrench[/s] wrench's turns.

Maybe?

“It makes you feel like the complete opposite, doesn’t it?” she says, throwing the wrench to the dry grass, [no comma] and grabbing a pair of pliers. [s]The wrench makes a soft clanging noise against the ground. [/s]“Created by science and unexplainable by nature. Don’t move, [colon instead] [s]the[/s] The wires back here are a mess.”

Concerning that sentence I scratched out, you could keep it and say thud instead of clang, but I don't think it's really necessary. It's just there as filler, and filler is good if it's necessary. This doesn't really do anything.

He stays still, listening to the night sounds around him, [colon instead] the cars on the freeway a mile away, the sound of the waves against the beach behind them.

I'd made this a list of sounds (meaning make one or two more sounds to add here and use that colon I put in).

The sound of his motorized heart beating.

Excellent.

He can nearly hear the cogs in her brain turning and clinking together.

I don't like the word nearly. Nearly is kind of used for distances or traveling. I think almost or something similar is better here.

“I heard,” he says slowly. [comma instead] “[s]That[/s] that when people die, they become stars. The better that they were in life, the bigger and brighter they shone.”

Her other hand glides around the ground around her, searching [s]or[/s] for something.

She finds the [s]flesh colored[/s] flesh-colored metal plate and holds it to his neck, covering his secrets.

“I wish I could tell you, Kavi. [comma instead] But I don’t know.”

“Two inches in front of you, [no comma] and five inches to your right.”

She finds the screw, [no comma] and continues putting him back together.

She feels for the last hole, [no comma] and puts in the last screw.

She pulls her hands away, and fumbles for her tools. She picks them up, her slender fingers wrapping around the handles. She slides them into a bag lying behind her.

Each sentence here starts with she. Try to add some variety with your sentences.

She crawls on her hands and knees around Kavi and sits in front of him.

She reaches in front of her, and her fingertips grasp his chin, raising it up so that his eyes will meet hers.

And the she's continue.

Also, wasn't Kavi looking at the sky? Which means his chin was already up? Maybe Karina pulled his chin down to face her instead of up.

“I won’t. [comma instead]” [s]He[/s] he says. “I won’t be a star. Sooner or later, my machinery will fall apart. My memory chip will malfunction, and my voice program will fail. I won’t be of any use anymore, and they’ll throw me in the junk heap. I’ll crumble into dust, and my bolts and cogs and screws will rust. I’ll lie broken and forgotten, and I won’t shine.”

Commas are your friends! ^^

He wants to cry.

But crying is a human action.

It’s obvious that he wants to, [s]and[/s] but he can’t.

You have a thing with one-sentence paragraphs. XD You can easily put this into one if you wish it.

“They don’t think when they make us, the mechanics and the scientists and the computer programmers. [comma instead]” he continues. “They work hard and stay up late and forget about cold dinners at home with their wives, only so that they can make us real. Human.

They install a chip that analyzes our situations, [no comma] and gives us proper emotions.

Karina sits [s]silent[/s] silently. Tears drip [s]silently[/s] down her face and onto [s]the fabric of[/s] her shorts. Plip, plip, dark spots appear.

That last sentence sounds random cuteness to me. I like it, but I don't think it fits in this emotional part of the story.

The brown grass crinkles as she moves closer to him, [no comma] and wraps her arms around his frame.

I think you can build a lot more on description here. Show her sympathy a bit more.

“Oh, Kavi. [comma instead]” [s]She[/s] she says, her voice thick. “You have no idea, no clue, that you’re so much more real and alive [s]then[/s] than any of them out there. You’ll shine. I promise. You’ll shine brightest of them all.”

Above them, the stars begin to blink out, slowly, [no comma] and one by one, as the horizon in the west begins to lighten.

He gently loosens himself, [no comma] and picks up her bag.

----------------------

This was cute. ^^ You come up with the cutest stories. Sorry I didn't get to Bones earlier. I'll try to get to it in the future. Here's this crit, though. I loved this story. ^^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Caaaaaaaaaaaaat-sama!

This is the first critique I've done this week! *jazzlebungles* (not to mention it's Saturday)

Okay. Skip the lame grammar edits; Jabber's gotten them all. Dang you. I'll move right on to the actual piece.

ZOMG.

I want your brain.

-Jared

PS: I loved it. I really did. It was such a heartfelt story that had so much emotion drawn into it. You make it clear that he's a robot, and sometimes you overdo yourself with making sure that we know he's a robot.

In the beginning, I was like... "Is this guy like Inspector Gadget or something?"

(BTW, you probably want this moved to Science Fiction. )

But in the end, I wanted to hug the poor little robot... doode.

“I want to be real,” he says a moment later, his voice muffled against his jeans. “I want to shine too.”
She blinks furiously, wiping her fists across her eyes.

The brown grass crinkles as she moves closer to him, and wraps her arms around his frame.

“Oh, Kavi.” She says, her voice thick. “You have no idea, no clue, that you’re so much more real and alive then any of them out there. You’ll shine. I promise. You’ll shine brightest of them all.”

OHMIGOSH MAKE ME CRY, WHY DON'T'CHA?!

-Jared

Heya Cat!

Lame, Jabz, you stole all my thunder. Listen to Jabz, Cat, especially on that cluster of sentences that all start with "she." They're nasty.

Anyway.

I like the sentiment; I like the idea behind the story -- but I'll be honest! Kavi is Data, Kavi is Pinocchio, Kavi is Self-Aware Robot/Wooden Boy Who Wants to Be Human. Which is fine, y'know; it's been done before but that doesn't mean it can't be done again.

No, my objection lies with trying to wring an emotion out of me for a character I don't know, a character who you've spent no time building up. Know what I do when I'm assaulted with sappiness? I run away. Because it's cheap. It's a cheap shot trying to pull my heartstrings over a character I don't care about.

Here's a wooden toy shaped like a person. I'm going to saw it in half, and you're going to be sad. BE SAD. I'm telling you to be sad.

"But it's just a wooden toy," Cat says. "Why should I care?"

I can tell you that this is a sad moment. Maybe it is. It may even be beautiful on the surface, but it's hollow and empty and you won't remember because you didn't actually care in the first place.

Make me care!

I know. This is flash fiction, it doesn't have time to have a huge story arc with character development packed in. But... if that's the case, don't try to make me feel so strongly. You're trying too hard to make me sad. You're yelling at me and I plug my ears.

So, yeah. I did like it. But I don't like all that emotion in something so small. It's overflowing with sentimentality.

I feel like I'm rambling. I'll stop now. I liked Bones better. It has a point, and yet doesn't overstep its boundaries.

Prokaryote

Sci fi??? Robots??? I'm soooo totally in.

Anyway, I loved the story. You're quite a talented writer, even though you talk yourself down at every possible opportunity. You're quite annoying in that way. Anyway, this is what I would do if I had your story. I've edited like I would have edited a serious story of mine like FREAK, so you'll notice that it's marked up a lot but... I only did that because I love you and I love the story and I want to see it improved. If you go silly on me and give up, I'll have to shoot you.

Before I begin, I must say that I agree grudgingly with Prok... the ending is a little sappy. The reason for that is not the idea though, I think. The reason the ending is sappy is because it seems like you had absolutely no idea on how to end it, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. So when you look down, you'll see a lot of things crossed out. This, I hope, will help you make it more concise and make the actual ending more clear to you.

Anyway! You'll probably see some stuff that you like, as far as my edits go, and some stuff that you hate, but my edits are like the Pirate's parlay--it's only a guideline.

Play around with it and have fun! Also, Karina and Kavi are soooo cute together, lol. <3

Stars.

I thought at first that this was out of place, but I don't think that it's because of anything wrong with the fragment, but rather of the weird pacing that comes after it. So I would keep this as a fragment. ^_^

They stare at him, giving off their light like tiny beacons of hope in a sea of restlessness and unease.

< He wants to be like them, shining in the heavens, looking down on the souls of this earth.

First of all, these are screaming to be in the same paragraph. The fragments, while they're okay, are merely okay, and you can do better. Part of pacing a story means that you have to make things go slow and fast and if you combine them in paragraphs, it'll seem slower. That way, your fragments will have more punch. Also, the stuff in red is stuff that seem awkward and you can probably shorten. The words "restlessness and unease" mean the same thing, so why are you using them both? Because they sound better together. This means that you're not using the right word. Think about it a little more and pick a word more suitable to what you want to say. I would say go to the thesaurus, but I have a feeling that the thesaurus won't help in this case. The other thing is red is awkward too, but for a different reason. That line makes it seem like he wants to be God, and not in a good way. I think you should either scratch the description or change it to make it sound more human.

Behind him, his caregiver works.

< She tightens the knobs and bolts of his machinery, the wrench sounding against him like music.

“Stars,” he says, leaning back slightly. “Exploding balls of hydrogen and helium. Created by nature and explainable by science.”

They shine above him[s].[/s]

< [s]He feels like they are mocking him as they[/s] , twinkl[s]e[/s]ing in time to the turnings of the wrench.

“It makes you feel like the complete opposite, doesn’t it?” she says, throwing the wrench to the dry grass, and grabbing a pair of pliers. The wrench makes a soft clanging noise against the ground. “Created by science and unexplainable by nature. Don’t move, the wires back here are a mess.”

He stays still, listening to the night sounds around him, the cars on the freeway a mile away, the sound of the waves against the beach behind them.

Er.. why are they near a sea? I imagine it being in an industrial setting, that's all.

The sound of his motorized heart beating.

“Why do the stars shine, Karina?”

“[s]But[/s] you just explained it[s]-[/s][.]”

The dialogue sounds slightly off, that's all.

“No, no. I [s]just[/s] explained [said] what they’re made of. Tell me why they shine.”

The dialogue sounds slightly off, that's all.

She stops tinkering with him for a moment. He can nearly hear the cogs in her brain turning and clinking together.

“Well,” she says slowly[s], resuming her work. He can feel her fingers on the wires, tugging and twisting until she pulls out the one connecting his nerves[/s]. “I guess that when the hydrogen and helium combine, it creates light. I don’t really know. Sorry, Kavi.”

The action doesn't seem right and stops the flow of the story.

Kavi mulls over her answer.

Karina reconnects his nerves.

“I heard[s],” he says slowly. “[/s][s]T[/s][t]hat when people die, they become stars. The better that they [s]we[/s][a]re in life, the bigger and brighter they sh[s]o[/s][i]ne.”

This piece of dialogue is slightly confused.

She looks up from the mess of wire and metal and glances at the back of his head.

He is still looking up at the stars.

“Will I become a star[s], Karina? What do you think[/s]?”

This softens the dialogue and makes it more poignent.

She drops the pliers [s]now.[/s] and [s]T[/s][t]hey land next to the wrench on the brown grass. [s]Her hand moves to the[/s] [She fishes through her shorts's] pockets [s]of her shorts[/s] until she finds a small plastic baggie full of screws. Her other hand glides around the ground [s]around[/s] [close to] her, searching [f]or something.

Some really awkward things here... it sounds better this way.

She finds the flesh colored metal plate and holds it to his neck[s], covering his secret[/s]s.

That line is kind of cheesy, actually. ^^

“[s]I wish I could tell you, Kavi. But [/s]I don’t know[, Kavi].”

Simplicity is poignant.

He ducks his head now. The sudden movement startles her, and one of the screws flies out of her hands. Her fingers search desperately for it.

“It’s right behind me,” he says quietly. “Two inches in front of you, and five inches to your right.”

She finds the screw, and continues putting him back together.

“I think you’ll be a star,” he whispers [s]to the grass[/s]. “You’ll shine brighter than the rest of them, Karina.”

LOL! He tells Karina not, not the grass!

Put description here about what Karina is doing and how she is reacting to his dialogue. What is she feeling? Does she think he is real? By showing us her feelings, that makes her more human and makes this weird human/robot thing more tragic. The stars above her and the outline of Kavi’s body blur into the surroundings. She feels for the last hole, and puts in the last screw.

She covers the square with her hands.

The feeling of his skin against hers. What is she touching? Maybe she feels the pulse of machinery underneath him and it feels so much like a heart that she wants to melt into him and become part of him so that they share her humanity together and float up in the stars? I don't know. Be poetic. It feels so real.

“It’s only synthetic fabric.” The words come so quietly she can barely hear them.

She doesn’t know what to say. She peers around to look at his face.

He looks back up at the sky.

“There’s no such thing as a synthetic star.”

She pulls her hands away, and fumbles for her tools. She picks them up, her slender fingers wrapping around the handles. She slides them into a bag lying behind her.

< [Slowly,] She crawls on her hands and knees around Kavi and sits in front of him. Put something poetic here! What does she see? Maybe she sees Kavi in the darkness and he looks so real that she can barely believe that he is there. Maybe she thinks of how she created him by hooking him together and she wishes she can make hook something up so that he felt better? Maybe she wonders something else. I don't know. I think it would be pretty if you said something about Kavi melting into the stars though. ^_^

< She reaches in front of her, and her fingertips grasp his chin, raising it up so that his eyes will meet hers.

< His eyes.

Once again, the < means combine it with the paragraph above it. You want to make that part a little more slow though because it'll flow better that way. ^_^ And listen to the comments in blue... it'll make it prettier!

She can see stars reflected in them.

“I won’t.” He says. “I won’t be a star. Sooner or later, my machinery will fall apart. My memory chip will malfunction and my voice program will fail. I won’t be any use anymore and they’ll throw me in the junk heap. I’ll crumble into dust and my bolts and cogs and screws will rust. I’ll lie broken and forgotten and I won’t shine.”

That's beautiful. That's not overdoing it at all.

[s]He wants to cry.
[/s]
[s]But crying is a human action.[/s]

[s]It’s obvious that he wants to, and he can’t.[/s]

Hate me if you will, but this part is needless. He isn't crying, so don't describe him endlessly not not not crying. You should focus on Karina's emotions, not his. He seems more real than Karina at the moment through his dialogue. We need to see her reactions.

[s]“They don’t think when they make us, the mechanics and the scientists and the computer programmers.” he continues. “They work hard and stay up late and forget about cold dinners at home with their wives, only so that they can make us real. Human.[/s]

[s]“They do too good of a job. They install a chip that analyzes our situations, and gives us proper emotions. ‘To blend in better’. They don’t realize. Yes, we can laugh, be happy. Be sad. We get alerted if we go too long without food, so that we can eat.”[/s]

[s]He draws his knees up to his chest and clutches them. “But we think, too. We want. It doesn’t matter how many fancy gadgets they give us, no matter how many programs they install. We’re still not human. We’re still not real.”[/s]

You overdo it here. Keep this part in a separate Word file, if only to have some background information on your Nano, but not in this short story. It clutters it and makes us feel that we're supposed to feel sorry for him. Unfortunately, that backfires on you and makes us feel less sorry.

He buries his head against his legs.

Karina sits silent. Tears drip silently down her face and onto the fabric of her shorts. Plip, plip, dark spots appear.

Don't do the "plip, plip" stuff, since you seem to do that as a way of avoiding Karina's emotions. Her crying seems random also, so if you want to have her cry and be emotional, you better back yourself up earlier.

[s]“I want to be real,” he says a moment later, his voice muffled against his jeans. “I want to shine too.”[/s]

Overdoing it!

She blinks furiously, wiping her fists across her eyes.

<The brown grass crinkles as she moves closer to him, and wraps her arms around his frame.

Maybe combine this with the thing before?

“Oh, Kavi[s].[/s]!” [s]S[/s][s]he says, her voice thick. [s]“You have no idea, no clue, that you’re so much more real and alive then any of them out there. You’ll shine. I promise. You’ll shine brightest of them all.”[/s]

A tremor goes through his body, and he buries his head in her shoulder.

She pats his back gently.

I got rid of all the dialogue because it seemed gratuitous and over preachy. I highlighted the stuff in red because it seemed awkward and not in character. Whether you like to admit it or not, this is a very romantic story with a lot of romantic tension between the robot and the human, so this seems to be not as deep of a relationship at all. Also, the adverb kills it. Either play with it more or delete it.

Above them, the stars begin to blink out, slowly, and one by one as the horizon in the west begins to lighten.

He gently loosens himself, and picks up her bag.

She stands and brushes off her knees.

The first ray of sunlight reflects off the screws [s]holding all his secrets in place[/s].

Instead of having the sentences in red, I would probably make it just one action. And through out the "gently" words. They suck. Also, the secrets in place is still lame. Delete!

So... just in case my edits were unreadable:

Stars.

They stare at him, giving off their light like tiny beacons of hope in a sea of darkness. He wants to be like them, shining in the heavens, guardians ofthe souls of this earth.

Behind him, his caregiver works. She tightens the knobs and bolts of his machinery, the wrench sounding against him like music.

“Stars,” he says, leaning back slightly. “Exploding balls of hydrogen and helium. Created by nature and explainable by science.”

They shine above him, twinkling in time to the turnings of the wrench.

“It makes you feel like the complete opposite, doesn’t it?” she says, throwing the wrench to the dry grass, and grabbing a pair of pliers. The wrench makes a soft clanging noise against the ground. “Created by science and unexplainable by nature. Don’t move, the wires back here are a mess.”

He stays still, listening to the night sounds around him, the cars on the freeway a mile away, the sound of the waves against the beach behind them.

The sound of his motorized heart beating.

“Why do the stars shine, Karina?”

“You just explained it-”

“No, no. I said what they’re made of. Tell me why they shine.”

She stops tinkering with him for a moment. He can nearly hear the cogs in her brain turning and clinking together.

“Well,” she says slowly, “I guess that when the hydrogen and helium combine, it creates light. I don’t really know. Sorry, Kavi.”

Kavi mulls over her answer.

Karina reconnects his nerves.

“I heard that when people die, they become stars. The better that they are in life, the bigger and brighter they shine.”

She looks up from the mess of wire and metal and glances at the back of his head.

He is still looking up at the stars.

“Will I become a star?”

She drops the pliers and they land next to the wrench on the brown grass. She fishes through her shorts’s pockets until she finds a small plastic baggie full of screws. Her other hand hovers over the ground, searching or something.

She finds the flesh colored metal plate and holds it to his neck.

“I don’t know, Kavi.”

He ducks his head now. The sudden movement startles her, and one of the screws flies out of her hands. Her fingers search desperately for it.

“It’s right behind me,” he says quietly. “Two inches in front of you, and five inches to your right.”
She finds the screw, and continues putting him back together.

“I think you’ll be a star,” he whispers. “You’ll shine brighter than the rest of them, Karina.”

Put description here about what Karina is doing and how she is reacting to his dialogue. What is she feeling? Does she think he is real? By showing us her feelings, that makes her more human and makes this weird human/robot thing more tragic. The stars above her and the outline of Kavi’s body blur into the surroundings. She feels for the last hole, and puts in the last screw.

She covers the square with her hands.

The feeling of his skin against hers. What is she touching? Maybe she feels the pulse of machinery underneath him and it feels so much like a heart that she wants to melt into him and become part of him so that they share her humanity together and float up in the stars? I don't know. Be poetic. It feels so real.

“It’s only synthetic fabric.” The words come so quietly she can barely hear them.

She doesn’t know what to say. She peers around to look at his face.

He looks back up at the sky.

“There’s no such thing as a synthetic star.”

Slowly, she pulls her hands away, and fumbles for her tools. She picks them up, her slender fingers wrapping around the handles. She slides them into a bag lying behind her.

She crawls on her hands and knees around Kavi and sits in front of him. Put something poetic here! What does she see? Maybe she sees Kavi in the darkness and he looks so real that she can barely believe that he is there. Maybe she thinks of how she created him by hooking him together and she wishes she can make hook something up so that he felt better? Maybe she wonders something else. I don't know. I think it would be pretty if you said something about Kavi melting into the stars though. ^_^ She reaches in front of her, and her fingertips grasp his chin, raising it up so that his eyes will meet hers. His eyes.

She can see stars reflected in them.

“I won’t.” He says. “I won’t be a star. Sooner or later, my machinery will fall apart. My memory chip will malfunction and my voice program will fail. I won’t be any use anymore and they’ll throw me in the junk heap. I’ll crumble into dust and my bolts and cogs and screws will rust. I’ll lie broken and forgotten and I won’t shine.”

He buries his head against his legs.

Karina sits silent. Tears drip silently down her face and onto the fabric of her shorts. Maybe she thinks about how many hours she’s spent on him and how she’s created a being who cannot enjoy life? I don’t know. We need to see emotion from her. She blinks furiously, wiping her fists across her eyes.

The brown grass crinkles as she moves closer to him, and wraps her arms around his frame.

“Oh, Kavi!” she says, her voice thick.

A tremor goes through his body, and he buries his head in her shoulder.

She holds him.

Above them, the stars begin to blink out, slowly, and one by one as the horizon in the west begins to lighten.

She looks at him and contemplates how wonderful he looks, eye color, hair, tears sparkling his eyes, or something else. She wonders maybe if he’ll ever shine out.

The first ray of sunlight reflects off the screws holding all his secrets in place.

There you go! Hope this helps! And you better not give up or I am totally going to pounce on you. ^_^

Wow, they was so much emotion in there it makes you want to cry. I think this is one of the best stories I read so far. I wish I could write something as good as this and with the same amount of emotion that you provided. I also like how he finds out that he was very much alive at the end it was a nice finishing touch. I think I saw one thing that needed edting but I think it might have already been taken care of. If not, I will cheek it out later and tell you. I'm too lazy yo do it now. lol Anyway, nice story. I hope to see more like it.