Young Writers Society

Can you please comment on my story. I worked really hard on it, but I don't think its really good.




This story is about a game called War Hammer 40000 but the story was written by me.






Hermanin journal or last memories in his mined of the Beginning of the War Age:


It was a couple hours before New Years. The year was 39,999. It should have been a celebration for Earth. Nobody could not wait to celebrate our planets 40,000 birthday; but couple weeks ago something happened.


Their was a little group of people called the “Brainy Boys.” They created something glorious at first. In time it started to swell in a hole. The creation was an “Ork.” That could repair almost anything and could fight like a Spartan. The Orks got so smart that they decided to take over Earth.


As I said it was couple ours before New Years, I and the last squad of Space Marines (special unit) were getting ready for the last battle of London not knowing this will be our actual last battle. Our mission was to get to the top of the highest mountains in London and make a huge explosion in the center of the city to give a signal to the US Imperial Guards (ordinary soldiers) for an assault on London( in fact we were more then half way up).


We were commanded by Sgt. Leo. As soon we got to the city on top of the mountain. It was quiet, too quiet… there was nothing but dead bodies of fallen humans and orks. As my friend knelled down he started to pray for the poor people that died. All of a sudden my friend Tilden and I heard a movement behind a small blown up Ork chopper as we both slowly walked up behind the vehicle our eyes got stuck on a grenade. “Run!!!” I yelled.

As the grenade blew up I could feel metal and dust flying on top of my head, but that was not the worst part; a huge army of Orks ran out of the buildings. I could hear shouts of dying orks. I grabbed my chain sword and ran looking for Tilden next thing I saw was him getting back on his feet ”Thank you God.” I whispered. I ran up to him, but it was too late an ork came up to him first from the back and sliced him in two with his axe. Their was pause in my life for a momentary my tears started oozing out of my eyes I felt like screaming and that’s what happened I rushed to him fast as I can his 3 comrades tried to save him but I dogged them, as one of the orks tried to shoot me from the back but I turned around to quickly and punched him in the face with my metal fist. I grabbed his gone that flew in the air, stuck it to his belly button and pressed the trigger. Next thing I new their was a platoon of orks coming at me. I and some other space marines fired at them. Just when I turned to my left side I saw orks jumping in the air, but their luck flew away next second they were all on fire running around and screaming in agony. I look back and saw one of my troops with the flame thrower. He winked at me and I did the same back. I continued to fire but they were getting closer and closer the space marines were pulled down to the ground by the bullets. I saw one of them running on fire as well. Then I remembered the soldier that was burning in flames was that soldier that just saved my life. I came up to him and shot him in the head to get him out of his pain. All of a sudden I felt something strange within myself I was weak and I felt pain in my chest, it felt like something was spilling out of me (blood) I looked behind and…….. Life ended.


Sgt. Leo journal or last memories in his mined of the Beginning of the War Age:


Their was no time. My men were blown away by the orks. I ran to a little half wiped out building with my last men.

” How much troops do we have left?”

“10 Sgt. Leo.”

“We won’t make it !” one of them yelled in a horrified voice.

“I have to get to the center of city and give our men a signal!” I yelled tying to over scream the explosions of shells.

One of them came up to me and said” I will fight on you side sir.”

It was time to finish the mission that we have started.

I and my men ran out the door. I could feel blood spraying all over me from the other comrades. I grabbed two chain swords and ran at a squad of orks well soldiers my other men covered me as they got shot as well. When I got write in front of the group I rolled between an 9 feet tall ork lags and stabbed between him and cut him in half from the middle. Then I jumped in the air and stabbed another ork on the top of his head. As I dropped my twp swords I kicked one of them in the gut and grabbed the machine gun that he was holding. Then I stuck it under an orks chin and fired. The street was cleared I had only 3 soldiers left. We skipped down the street somewhere a mile. I did not exactly understand what happened but I was pushed to the ground by my own war brother. ‘What the…” but something made me stop finishing my sentence. Something hard fell on me it was the soldier. He risked his life, he ran in front of me to get shot by the ork sniper, but before he fell he had in of strength to throw a grenade at the ork. I and my last 2 space marines got to the center of the village on the top of the mountain in London. The two men started to cover well I turned on the bomb. The entire sudden one of them got shot in the heart, so he decided to run at the ork squad holding a grenade the explosion was so huge that I could not hear a thing my ears were covered in blood. I and the last soldier got to cover behind a truck.

“I am dieing sir.” He said in a whisper

“‘What are you talking about?” he slowly pointed to a whole in his neck. Seeing this I started to cry. “I wan to kick some ork ass!” he yelled with his last strength.

I nodded at him and we ran in the same time. Bullets were flying everywhere I knew that I am going to die so I programmed the boom on 3 sec, so I and you young boy would die faster as I looked at my watch it was 2 sec before New Year I cried from joy….. I will be remembered.


As soon the soldiers died Earth was 40,000 years old. It was called the War Age.

GREAT A WARHAMMER STORY.... YAY

We were commanded by Sgt. Leo. As soon we got to the city on top of the mountain. It was quite, too quite… their was noting but dead bodies of fallen humans and orks. As my friend kneeled down he started to pray for the poor people that died

.

kneeled = knelled

All of a sudden I and my friend Tilden heard a movement behind a small blown up Ork chopper as I and Tilden walked up behind the vehicle our eyes got stuck on a grenade. “Run!!!” I yelled.
As the grenade blowed up I could feel metal flying on top of my head, but that wasn’t the worst part; a huge army of Orks ran out of the buildings. I could hear shouts of dying orks.

blowed = Blew





Okay now that I got that out of my system.

Your characters have a lot of weapons. A plus.

I don't really think that a warhammer story should be written in first person.

Then there are the problems with the story line. I think, that because you named this warhammer, you should also follow the basic warhammer story line, first of all... orks are mushrooms, not created by human. In 40k there is no earth.

They did not really celebrate the year 40k, because of may things.

You did do a good job at bringing out the actual warhammer weapons and such.


*****************************************************************************

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

who were the orks again? I thought they were inventions made by the "Brainy Boys."

Dude, is this a variation on the Warhammer 40k scene? Because if it is, it's pretty far gone. Firstly, the Orks were around for ages before humans arrived - they weren't created. Second, the Space Marines/Imperial Guard don't believe in God. They believe that their Emperor is the Lord of all. And I don't even think London exists anymore in the year 40,000. Earth is called "Holy Terra." A "Chainsaw sword" is called a "Chainsword." Also, you have a lot of grammar and spelling errors.
Oh, and finally: ORCS AREN'T SMART! They just like fighting a lot.

Ok, so if you want to write about stuff that already exists, do some research! If you can't be bothered to research what you're writing about, leave those subjects to those who know what they're talking about.

Yes I am harsh, but that's just my personality.

Cobra wrote:Dude, is this a variation on the Warhammer 40k scene? Because if it is, it's pretty far gone. Firstly, the Orks were around for ages before humans arrived - they weren't created. Second, the Space Marines/Imperial Guard don't believe in God. They believe that their Emperor is the Lord of all. And I don't even think London exists anymore in the year 40,000. Earth is called "Holy Terra." A "Chainsaw sword" is called a "Chainsword." Also, you have a lot of grammar and spelling errors.
Oh, and finally: ORCS AREN'T SMART! They just like fighting a lot.

Ok, so if you want to write about stuff that already exists, do some research! If you can't be bothered to research what you're writing about, leave those subjects to those who know what they're talking about.

Yes I am harsh, but that's just my personality.

Actually.. there is no earth at all. there never was in warhammer.
There never was a place called London. Humans and orcs have BOTH been there for long. And human do believe in god/gods.... that is just why they have the priests and the inkvisition.


Oh and orcs aren't actually dumb as such, they just use all of their intellectual capacity in fighting that's all.

Cobra wrote:Dude, is this a variation on the Warhammer 40k scene? Because if it is, it's pretty far gone. Firstly, the Orks were around for ages before humans arrived - they weren't created. Second, the Space Marines/Imperial Guard don't believe in God. They believe that their Emperor is the Lord of all. And I don't even think London exists anymore in the year 40,000. Earth is called "Holy Terra." A "Chainsaw sword" is called a "Chainsword." Also, you have a lot of grammar and spelling errors.
Oh, and finally: ORCS AREN'T SMART! They just like fighting a lot.

Ok, so if you want to write about stuff that already exists, do some research! If you can't be bothered to research what you're writing about, leave those subjects to those who know what they're talking about.

Yes I am harsh, but that's just my personality.

listen I just wrote a strory. It doesnt have to be all about war hammer and when the guy praying to God he could have been praying to the lord him self. I like War Hammer but I dont know all the information about it. OK. I can use my imagination as well.

Review facts. The warhammer 40 K Rule book will help. Basic Words are in there. Think back to primary school. Punctuation is needed here. Read about the Space Marines, and while you're at it, Read a dictionary. Come on, you're 13, this is basic spelling. The "chainsaw sword" is actually called a chainsword. You can't wink as a space marine. You have a helmet on and the glass eye lenses are bullet proof and tinted so they can see out and you can't see in, so mind control is off the cards. Break up the sentences. The Marines don't have feelings, as it would be too much to put in to their genetically enhanced shell. This also means that when a friend dies, they don't spend time mourning. They don't even have friends, because their friends die quickly anyway. They don't have tear glands, so they cant cry, and they dont have names. Leaders may do, but normal marines are just numbers and letters. A shot through the neck would kill a marine, and they aren't even human, just clones. As Cobra said, they don't believe in god. They have special weapons. A space marine wouldn't take a bullet for another.

Orks hail from an outer ring of the galaxy. They're Stupid, and only live to fight. They're ancient and weren't created. They aren't smart.

The story needs to be explained. Read up, don't just rush in. Try a new subject, as people just continuing a story already made or writing about something thats already happend seem to have no imagination. Try something original. Shorten sentances and add spelling and grammar. Capitalize and, i stress this largely, READ UP!

-Arekkusu

ok I will change some stuff, but come on guys I want to have some of my stuff in it too. Besides its my story. I want the charecters to have feelings as well. I dont want anything to dark in the story.

as i was reading the story i noticed that it is really creative but there where lots of

commas missing if you care about that or not----------also

“I am dieing sir.” He said in a whisper -(correction)- "i am dying sir" he whispered.

the story was awsome it's just the mistakes on there- click on the SPEEL CHECK thing to

get the spelling fixed---everything else is good-----

First of all, this belongs in fan-fiction.

There has been a whole lot of criticims directed at this piece for its originality. I would advise setting it a fair bit earlier than the year 40,000, and this would explain away almost all of the complaints (earlier generations of marines would have tear ducts, worse helmets, london might still exist, etc). There is a plethora of spelling mistakes, many of which qould not show up on spell-check (as you've misspelled them into another word, such as quiet-quite), so you'll need to go through this with a fine tooth comb to sort this out.

Well done on writing and posting the piece, action is always a hard genre to write.


This is directed at everyone else who's commented on the story

Arrekusu and well, everyone, needs to be aware that the warhammer lore is basically completely rewritten every few editions. Not many marines are clones, and most of the lower ranked ones (I remember from canon stories of blood angel marines and black templar initiates) have names. If you read the birth stories of the legions you'll see that almost all of the loyalist Primarch's homeworlds are still used to recruit marines; ie *not* clones.

- a marine would certainly sacrifice his life for a higher ranked marine, if you've played the game you may realise this is why the awesome characters are the last of their squad to die...
- Orks are indeed supposed to be mushrooms, but that is not to say that something similarly orky could not have resulted from a scientific experiment.
- are the orks really that *ancient*, I don't recall stories of the old ones and the eldar fighting the orks...?
-orks are hardly geniuses, but they are cunning

And finally, at Yws you are expected to treat fellow members and contribuors with a great deal more respect that many of you have shown here. Even if you perceive errors in a piece of fanfiction (and this is fanfiction, not original sci-fi), you comment *politely* and *humbly*, rather than pretentiously assuming you know everything there is to know about the warhammer universe.


On a side note, is there a warhammer usergroup? I noticed that there's more and more warhammer literature turning up in the local bookshops which will probably lead to more and more kids trying to emulate the stuff. If there isn't I'd be happy to help set up one.

I dont know how to change it to fan-fiction

"kneeled = knelled"

Incorrect. lordgluzman is right, it is spelled kneeled.

Ok, yes i'm new but i saw this and thought i might want to give you a little idea of the 'inner workings' of 40k... i myself write alot of 40k fiction so yeah...

Anyhow, first up, kudos for using Space Marines, they're hard to write for effectively to start, there's no real battle 'struggle' since they're uber-humans and feel no real emotion so there isnt really much to write about short of killing heretics/orks/daemons/traitors/eldar and then praying alot.
So good on that.

But your problem is you havent really looked at 40k background at ALL.

For a start, it's Terra, not Earth, earth basically disappeared around the year 3000 or so, and became a warring wasteland until the year 8000 when the Emperor himself was born in Central Anatolia...
The emperor created his space marines, and with them united Terra to create a galactic empire, later to be known as the Imperium.

Even in the year 8000, earth was in a literal state of ruin, but fast forward to even 30,000AD the planet has NO oceans, all of them having boiled down to an acidic sludge and solidified long long ago. Terra is covered, an i mean COVERED with buildings devoted to the Administratum, Minisortum, Inquisition, Imperial Guard, basically everything except the Mechanicus (who inhabit mars) and the Astartes (as only the Imperial Fists use Terra as a homeworld)

Pilgrims flock to Terra in thier billions, on giant ships devoted entirely to prayer to the emperor, to even set foot on terra is the highest blessing, and many will die waiting in line to file past the emperors palace gates, which IIRC, covers most of europe (incidentally, the emperor sits over what we now call Nottingham, the HQ of Games Workshop).

The imperium of man spans the galaxy, containing TRILLIONS of men on MILLIONS of worlds. There are worlds devoted to agriculture, worlds devoted to mining, to production of weapons, to training of guardsmen... ect ect.

The imperium is not a nice place to live, often planets will be decades behind others in time, guard regiments are deployed to quell a small rebellion often years after the distress call was recieved, when they arrive often the entire planet has succumed to the heretics.

Orks represent about 20-30% of the enemy populace of the Imperium, heretics/traitors/rebels make up about 60-70% and the other 10% are enemies like Tyranids, Tau, Eldar, ect.

Now, any 'holy' imperial world (terra being the MOST holy) is defended ruthlessly, often the entire system is defended to the brink, and the enemy must disable each other planet before even trying to set foot on a world. The only inhabitants of Terra are Humans, the Custodes, and a few hundred space marines of the Imperial Fists at a time, even a dead ork would not be allowed to defile the holy ground of Terra even for a research experiment.

Now, onto marines.
Marines are souless, albeit almost unintelligent killing MACHINES.
They're 8ft tall, even a standard marine, Terminators and 'bigger' marines may reach 10ft tall! Thier armour is impervious in almost every place, it'd take a good 50 guardsmen to fire at a marine and bring him down. Thier guns don't need to be aimed, as they're linked to thier helmets and can be poked around cover and fired. The rounds are .75 in calibre, meaning they're as wide as a standard 12g shotgun shell, except they fire a rocket propelled explosive round... and the boltgun is a 'small' space marine weapon.
Thier chainswords arent just like a chainsaw that's swung like a sword, no, they're more like an eviscerator, sawing through limb and body alike. Often an enemy hit by a marine chainsword is lucky not to be literally SHREDDED in half.

Marines feel no pain, they never retreat unless it's beneficial to them, they'll stand against annhilation if it means protecting the Imperium. Marines are chosen at birth or in thier early life. Often from the chapter homeworld (though not always). Most marines come from feral tribes (think cannibal tribes from Papua New Guinea, but more violent and feral than that)

Oho yeah, before i finish my ramble:

No god, there is the Emperor, and he's a Vegetable, but he's regarded as a god to all but the marines... the marines see him as a great, great man, he basically united a UNIVERSE full of humans, and lived for thousands of years.
The marines come from the emperor, they're clones of-sorts, think a baby that's Genetically modified as they grow to become 8ft tall, able to turn over a tank with his bare hands, shut down his body at will to preserve life, has three lungs, two hearts, two livers, four kindneys and can spit acid, breathe poison air, ect ect.
And is bulletproof, literally, thier skin is armour...

So yeah, nuff from me, read up on stuff at: forum.blpublishing.com and it'll give you an idea of what the 40k universe is like...