Young Writers Society

Preface:

I was a afraid that I would never see my family again. That i was going to die. I hear the zap of the laser tried to get behind a tree. Heard the bast, felt the shock wave. Then I fell into the abyss...

Chapter 1:The News

I sat by the door anxiously waiting for the mail to arrive. My father, who was serving in the war, always wrote to us on Wednesdays. When the mail came i took it to the kitchen table and called everybody to see father's letter, even before i found his letter.

When everybody was at the table I said in the smallest voice "I can't find father's letter." For a second there was silence. then my mother asked me to pass her the mail, with a sad face. She went through the mail and pulled out an official looking envelope. She opened it looked at it then burst into tears. Tyler Jr., my eldest brother took the letter from my mother and read it aloud. It was very short. It read:

Dear Mrs. Coles,
we are sorry to inform you that your husband, Tyler Coles Sr. died Thursday February 15, 2157.

There was no name only some burn marks. as my brother went to put it back into the envelope he looked surprised and pulled out another letter. that read:

I found this in the burnt house of Major Anderson. I thought that it was something that must be delivered. I'm sorry about your father and that you got the news later than necessary.
-Jason Congdon

I was so shocked! I finally snapped out of it when my brother said "Jessica are you all right?" I opened my mouth to reply but no words came out. I looked around the table and everybody was looking at me. I shut my mouth and nodded.

Then my mind was in a whirl:
who was the Jason Congdon. What was he doing in a burnt house? Where did he live? why was he there? And Major Anderson how had his house burnt down, and who did it? So many questions! And no one with the answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time passed by without me realizing it. I was just getting out of bed then it was time for bed. The next week it look my mother 3 times of asking me to go to the store and buy some food before I heard her. I nodded and went back to my breakfast.

I knew that it would be easier to get it online, and have it delivered this afternoon, but I wanted to get out of the house. When i went back into the kitchen my mother was waiting to give me the shopping card. She wrote on the card what we needed, what kind, and how much and i was off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I got to the store I had to wait for in line for one of the food-a-gons. They were standing there on the wall spinning and spinning, around and around getting people's food for them. They are a really nice invention but it make the stores much for crowded because everybody is in three or four places. When I finally got to the food-a-gon I put the shopping card in and watched as it spun first to the bread and the robot hands got 2 things of white bread, then to the meat and got one. It took about 3 minutes to get all of the food. I picked up the bag, still thinking about my father. As I turned I ran into another person. When I looked it was a employee. I read the name said "Sorry Jason Cong-" I broke off. I had heard than name before.... Somewhere. Then it hit me he was the person who had found the letter the my father had died. I had thought that the person that found the letter would be another Major somebody that came to talk to Major Anderson, but no he was cute and was a gentleman.

But now he was looking at me weirdly. He said "Is there anything i can help you with miss?" All i could manage to say was "burnt house, father". Then he seemed to understand. "OH!!" he said "Yes i was sent to search the burnt house of Major Anderson to find information. Was that you father that was killed?" I nodded. "Well then let me walk you home I just finished my shift.

He went to the back while I payed for the food. When he came back out he had changed out of his work uniform and he now had on the latest fashion. He looked so wonderful! He took my bags and started up the street.[/quote][/u]

Poisoness wrote:Preface:

I was a afraid that I would never see my family again. That [s]i[/s]I was going to die. I hear the zap of the laser tried to get behind a tree. Heard the blast, felt the shock wave. Then blackness...

Chapter 1:The News

I sat by the door anxiously waiting for the mail to arrive. My father, who was serving in the war, always wrote to us on Wednesdays. When the mail came [s]i[/s]I took it to the kitchen table and called everybody to see father's letter, even before [s]i[/s]I found his letter.

Dont forget to put a line between your paragraphs when posting.

When everybody was at the table I said, in the smallest voice "I can't find father's letter." For a second there was silence. then my mother asked me to pass her the mail, with a sad face. She went through the mail and pulled out an official looking envelope. She opened it looked at it then burst into tears. Tyler Jr., my eldest brother took the letter from my mother and read it aloud. It was very short. It read:

Dear Mrs. Coles,
we are sorry to inform you that your husband, Tyler Sr. Coles died Thursday February 15, 2157. The Sr. goes after Coles

There was no name only some burn marks. as my brother went to put it back into the envelope he looked surprised and pulled out another letter. that read:

I found this in the burnt house of Major Anderson. I thought that it was something that must be delivered. I'm sorry about your father and that you got the news later than necessary.
-Jason Congdon

I was so shocked! I finally snapped out of it when my brother said "Jessica are you all right?" I opened my mouth to reply but no words came out. I looked around the table and everybody was looking at me. I shut my mouth and nodded.

Then my mind was in a whirl:
who was the Jason Congdon. What was he doing in a burnt house? Where did he live? why was he there? And Major Anderson how had his house burnt down, and who did it? So many [s]unanswered[/s] questions! And no one with the answers.

You dont need unanswered if you write no one had the answers. it's redundnet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time past by without me realizing it. I was just getting out of bed then it was time for bed. My mother had to ask me 3 times before I heard her to go to the store to buy some food. I nodded and went back to my breakfast.

I knew that it would be easier to get it on<-(backspace)line, and have it delivered this afternoon, but I wanted to get out of the house. When i went back into the kitchen my mother was waiting to give me the shopping card. She wrote on the card what we needed, what kind, and how much and i was off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When i got to the store i had to wait for in line for the food -a-gon. When i finally got to the food-a-gon I put the shopping card in and watched as it spun first to the bread and the robot hands get 2 things of white bread, then to the meat and got one hand. It took about 3 minutes to get all of the food. I picked [s]but[/s]up the bag, still thinking about my father. As I turned I ran into another person. When I looked it was a employee. I read the name said "Sorry Jason Cong-" I broke off. I had heard than name before.... Somewhere. Then it hit me he was the person who had found the letter the m[s]t[/s]y father had died. I had thought that the person that found the letter would be another Major somebody that came to talk to Major Anderson[s].[/s], [s]B[/s]but [s]k[/s]now he was cute and was a gentleman.

But now he was looking at me weirdly. He said "Is there anything i can help you with miss?" All i could manage to say was "burnt house, father". Then he seemed to understand. "OH!!" he said "Yes i was sent to search the burnt house of Major Anderson to find information. Was that you father that was killed?" I nodded. "Well then let me walk you home I just finished my shift.

He went to the back while I payed for the food. When he came back out he had changed out of his work uniform and he now had on the latest fashion. He looked so wonderful! He took my bags and started up the street.

You need more descriptions. I have no idea what anything or anyone looks like. You should make sure you have all your I's capitlized as well, it looks very underdone right now.

You might want to add a bit more to the section to help pull the reader in. What you have is a good start but not enough to make a reader keep going.

Your characters appeared to be thought out and multi dimensional(Not flat)

Good luck and keep writing.

thanks for the advise. my keyboard is only lets my capitalize when i press caps so a lot of the time i don't capitalize. i tried to in this story but i's are used so much the i missed a lot of them.

I liked it and yet at the same time it lost me. It could just be me, but once I reached the end I was a little confused. Everything's all jumbled together and such, it's a bit odd to me.

Hey, Howzit going?

Poisoness wrote:Preface:

I was a afraid that I would never see my family again. That i was going to die. I hear the zap of the laser tried to get behind a tree. Heard the bast, felt the shock wave. Then blackness...

Blackness? That sounds really awkward to me....something like oblivion, or a black, empty void, or an abyss might sound better.

Poisoness wrote:
Time past past means something that has already happened. I think the word you're looking for is 'passed'. Just something I had to add by without me realizing it. I was just getting out of bed then it was time for bed. My mother had to ask me 3 times before I heard her to go to the store to buy some food. I nodded and went back to my breakfast.
I knew that it would be easier to get it on line, and have it delivered this afternoon, but I wanted to get out of the house. When i went back into the kitchen my mother was waiting to give me the shopping card. She wrote on the card what we needed, what kind, and how much and i was off.

You said that you were just getting out of bed, then it was time for bed. And then you started to describe what happened that day. It doesn't make sense when you do that. However, I like that line. If you really wanted to keep it, then you could have the grocery scene the day after time went quickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When i got to the store i had to wait for in line for the food -a-gon. When i finally got to the food-a-gon I put the shopping card in and watched as it spun first to the bread and the robot hands get 2 things of white bread, then to the meat and got one hand. It took about 3 minutes to get all of the food. I picked but the bag, still thinking about my father. [/quote]

Could you please describe the food-a-gon? I know what it is, but no one else does. And also, I just thought of something; if there's only one food-a-gon, there's going to be a heck of a crowd. Why don't you have several in the store?

[quote="Poisoness:] As I turned I ran into another person. When I looked it was a employee. I read the name said "Sorry Jason Cong-" I broke off. I had heard than name before.... Somewhere. Then it hit me he was the person who had found the letter the mt father had died. [/quote]

How did Jason get here from the place of the battle? The father was far enough away to be sending letters.

Also, We need more information on the war; where and why is it going on? what side are you on? Perhaps you could feel bitter and resentful towards the other side.

I really liked the idea of this. Keep writing and pm me the moment you post more!

Hey! I noticed your comment about your problems with caps, so I appreciate that and I won't bother to point them out - I'm sure you know they're there!

OK, to points I noticed:

I was a afraid that I would never see my family again.

Right, I don't know what the extra 'a' is doing, so maybe take it out? Was it going to be like "I was a) afraid that I would never see my family again, and b)..."?

That i was going to die. I hear the zap of the laser tried to get behind a tree. Heard the bast, felt the shock wave. Then I fell into the abyss...

Your tenses seem a bit scrambled here. The first sentence is past, and then the second is present and a bit confusing. Might I suggest, "I heard the zap of the laser and tried to get behind a tree; heard the blast, and felt the shock wave." Otherwise, a gripping start!

When the mail came i took it to the kitchen table and called everybody to see father's letter, even before i found his letter.

This is a lovely little section! I really got the feeling of your character as a real person, with rituals and whatnot. You repeat the word "letter" though, so I think that maybe this phrasing would be a tad more effective: "When the mail came I always took it to the kitchen table and called everybody to see father's letter, even before I had found it; it was a given that it would come." Or something like that.

When everybody was at the table I said in the smallest voice "I can't find father's letter."

As a general comment, I would suggest using some more punctuation to break up your sentences and add some more pauses - it makes it easier to read. For example, maybe this sentence could be: "When everybody was at the table, I said in my smallest voice, "I can't find father's letter.""

as my brother went to put it back into the envelope he looked surprised and pulled out another letter. that read:

"As my brother went to put it back into the envelope, his expression turned to surprise and pulled out another letter that read:" Maybe?

And Major Anderson how had his house burnt down, and who did it?

I think this could do with a "-" in: "And Major Anderson - how had his house burnt down? And who had done it?"

I'll leave my pointers there. I hope I've helped a little! This was a really sweet opener, and hopefully I'll be able to get to your later pieces soon.
~*cottonrulz*~

I like the story you've got here, but you definitely need some more descriptions. Instead of telling us what happened as though you're writing for a periodical, show us the story by adding details. For instance, instead of just saying "When the mail came i took it to the kitchen table and called everybody to see father's letter, even before i found his letter.", you could describe what happened when the mail came in, the walk back to the kitchen table, tell the reader what the narrator said exactly to bring her family back, what sort of emotions she was experiencing, etc. This will add a new dimension to your writing and really bring it to life for your reader.

Another thing I noticed (and I think everyone has this problem to some extent) is that you tend to use certain words over and over throughout the excerpt, like "look," "letter," and "father." Some of that will dissipate as you revise your first draft, but just try to be aware of your word usage. I've struggled with this sort of thing before, and it's a tricky habit to be rid of.

Your style shows promise, and I think you've got a bit of talent there. Nevertheless, many of your sentences are choppy. This is another one of those problems that seems to solve itself as you revise your first draft. Try to combine shorter sentences into longer, better flowing ones.

I've enjoyed reading your story so far and look forward to reading more.

This seems to be a nicely written story. However I have noticed like many others the lacking of punctuation and grammar. This piece appears to be a rough draft, some of the sentences are choppy and emotionless. I also advise to use a lot more of the 'show not tell' technique. The characters could also use a bit more development. Good work, nevertheless.

I thought it was good. Overall though, I became a little lost. I think you need more descriptions on the characters, how they look, how they feel to the situation etc. After the news of the death I felt a bit distant from the main character whereas I should have becoming more involved and almost 'feeling' what they are. Maybe describe their emotions and consider each section as you would feel in each. Hope that helps - and sorry that it sounds all so emotional but I often find that it helps in my writing. Don't feel discouraged, you have the basis for a good story here and keep up the good work!