Young Writers Society

“What is the next planet to document?” Asked a man who worked for Interplanetary Relations.
“They call it Earth.” replied another.
“Form of government?” he asked.
“Unknown.”
“Dominant species?”
“Unknown.”
“Language?”
“Unknown.”
“Is there anything we do know about it? We’re almost there and I’d like to show up with more than, ‘Hello Earthlings, we come in peace.’”
“No, it’s never been visited before.”
“Why? Planets are supposed to be checked every hundred years!”
“It was observed for some time, and then declared dangerous; we are checking it because it is up for reconsideration.”
“Why? What’s wrong with it?” he asked nervously.
“You’ll see. It’s that one up ahead.”
They got closer and saw a blue and green planet.
“It’s safe to land on their moon, they haven’t inhabited it yet.”
They pulled their spacecraft gently to the dark side of the moon, so not to be seen.
“Grab your Time-Echo Reader and follow me.”
They exited their ship and set up the Time-Echo Reader, pointing it at Earth.
“What time should I set it to?” asked the man.
“Any. Just watch the Earth as a whole and you will see.”
He twisted the dial timer back half a turn and watched through the Reader to see the past.
“What was that?” He asked, jumping back clutching at his chest.
“They call it a bomb.”
“But, it exploded! On civilian homes! That must have killed hundreds, maybe more!”
“It is their form of war.” The other said calmly, still also disturbed by the lengths Earthlings took. “Now you see why it is declared dangerous.”
“Yes, and do they still use their bombs today?”
“Quite often. They have what they call guns as well.”
“And what do they do?” he asked, unsure if he wanted to know.
“They send small shards of metal ripping through another’s body.” He replied with a shiver.
The man flinched. He paused in thought for a moment before making his final decision. “We shall report back that they are a violent race to be avoided at all costs.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” the other man replied.
Both men packed up their gear and left the violence of Earth behind them, speeding off towards the harmony that exists in all other worlds.

Yo,
just read your story! It starts like a classic in the genre, which is super.
This bit at the end:
The man flinched. He paused in thought for a moment before making his final decision. “We shall report back that they are a violent race to be avoided at all costs.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” the other man replied.

Both men packed up their gear and left the violence of Earth behind them, speeding off towards the harmony that exists in all other worlds.
...should be replaced by about the same amount of sentences as those preceeding it. Otherwise the story just folds into itself abruptly. It has a buildup, which in the end is not justified.

Now other people reviewing this may write "but how do the aliens look?" or "but what is their race?" or "but is this the future, the past or the present?" etc. Me - I don't race. You, the author have chosen not to reveal this, and it suits me fine. I've read hundreds of shorts like this one, with as little discriptions outside the main topic of the plot or the conversations. But! You can't just cut it off like that.

I mean - the flew over amazing distances and the dude lands on the moon, in order to see for himself something and then make a dicision? Couldn't he have seen it on a monitor? Couldn't someone else have taken this dicision? Couldn't we learn more of his reaction? This story reads like at the end your interest suddeny ran out and you just stopped.
Get your act together, add another paragraph or two at the second half, and this will turn into a lovely sci-fi story of the good old traditional sort.

Hi Caytlin!

It started out really well, just super! But it sort of ended out a little too like "Er... That's it?"
Here are a few nitpicks:
1.Calling them men, seem a little weird. As for me, I'd prefer calling them just people/person. But then again, this is how I'd prefer it it.
2. I do like how you haven't given a lot of description to these people, but, I think you should describe their speech more.
3. This is another personal preference, but I'd prefer the use of satellite to moon.

I agree with Napalm, if you change the end and add a few more details, this could become one of those really good Sci-fics. You should make these people see earth for themselves, maybe explore it. It maybe a typical plot, but play with it. You could make a lot more out of this.

Cheers and keep writing,
~Lava

Hi,

I thought it had great build up, but a sudden ending that could be expanded more. You could give a technical description of a "bomb" for instance, tell us a bit about the culture these people come from, why destruction is so abhorrent to them. Maybe reference another planet or two.


One confusing point how come their are men, but not from earth?
How do they measure a year if they don't come from our solar system?

Nice read but could do with a bit of expansion.